For we must all learn to howl.

#100happydays: DAY 8 I did something that freaked me out today - I can't go into details because I don't want to jinx it, but I saw something calling for a sign-on and I did it! I'm absolutely terrified at this point, but I promised myself I'd do it if I saw a chance and I'm taking this for sure. I'll give more details once the thing's over, but before that here's hoping I'll break a leg! 101 Things I Think About: DAY 8 Today marks the second year since my grandmother's passing. It's funny how time flies, because it still feels like my grandmother hasn't been gone that long but I only have hazy memories from attending her wake. I remember thinking that my cousins and I were strongly against the idea of giving her a sea burial, but since it was what our aunts said we should do we kept quiet, and I told myself that it wouldn't be so bad since she now had my grandfather to keep her company and take care of her - he was a sailor, an...

#100happydays: DAY 7 I'm giddily happy because it looks like this outside my window now - I love it when there's a rainstorm, because it's so uncontained. It's the cascading of the rain, pouring itself over everything it can and cannot reach, it's the howling of the wind as it batters your windows and threatens to barrel down the door and let itself in. I used to think rain was God crying when I was younger, and every time it rained I'd wonder why God was crying again. Maybe he was upset because people were too selfish, maybe he was upset because we were killing our home. Whatever the reason, I didn't know. Now that I'm older, I still can't tell you the reason why God might cry - perhaps He thinks there's too much cruelty in this world, and perhaps He wonders where He went wrong in his creation of man. That's a topic for another day, though. My thoughts are always in a delicious jumble whenever there's a storm this heavy, because...

#100happydays: DAY 6 I really love plants - they require the same love and dedication that an animal does, but you don't really have to worry about them wandering out of the house and not knowing how to find their way home. On the flip side, a plant isn't able to tell you if something's wrong, like if it's not getting enough water or sunlight... But that's not quite the point of this post. I'm currently keeping a potful of lavender seeds, and it's amazingly therapeutic to take care of them and watch them grow - I was so proud to see the little seedlings peek through the soil, and I've been talking to them and trying to make sure that they get what they need. 101 Things I Think About: DAY 6 This quote comes from The Cat Returns (Neko no Ongaeshi), which is a Studio Ghibli movie and I remember watching it when I was younger. Uttered by the character Baron, the quote refers both  to himself and Toto, who are sculptures with the ability to com...

#100happydays: DAY 5 I've never been much of an arts-and-crafts person, which is why I'm extra proud that I actually did something like this: I've had these briefcases since forever (I bought them on a whim while shopping in China years ago muahaha) and honestly I didn't know what to do with them because they were pretty yeah but they didn't really suit my style - I just liked them for the shape and ended up regretting the purchase. (Don't tell my mother though, because I'll never hear the end of it - she predicted this very thing even before I bought the cases.) Long story short, I realised that I could use the briefcases if I just made them a more Nat-ural colour (hee!) and the bigger case could even be used as both a prop and actual bag for when I cosplayed as Amane Misa.  It's the holidays now, so doing this was nothing more complicated than getting a can of spray paint and some duct tape and getting to work. An afternoon of ...

If anyone follows this blog, you'll have noticed that I'm currently trying my hand at a daily challenge kind of thing called #100happydays and 101 Things I Think About. The sad thing is that I've been unable to continue with the challenge for the past couple of days because it's incredibly difficult for me to do daily challenges to begin with (I joked to Panda that the real challenge was for me to last longer than a week AND LOOK WHERE WE ARE NOW ), and I've also had quite a few personal projects that I'm working on because it's currently the school break for me and I'm trying to get as much done as possible before school starts and I end up too busy to finish what I'm working on. All this isn't helped by the fact that I'm heading on a short trip to Malacca tomorrow, so I won't be able to work on the posts either - which is why I'm announcing a short hiatus from these challenges. It's cheating, I know, but at the rate I'm ...

#100happydays: DAY 4 It's a well-known saying that if you need talents for shooting, you should expressly avoid working with children and animals. These two types of talents are interesting yes, cute yes, but also hell to work with because it's nigh impossible to give them instructions. I can 100% vouch for the accuracy of this saying. In the picture above is Marble, the cat that hangs around the block near mine. She's pretty affectionate, and very talkative - she gets super excited when she sees someone she recognises, and simply won't shut up when she wants to get your attention. I love this noisy little kitty, honestly, and I used to like talking to her about my problems because she would always sit and listen for all of two seconds before mraowling and rubbing herself against my leg (or my butt), and in a way it was as if she was being comforting in her own way, as if she was saying shut up shut up  I know your human problems are supposed to be bad but I...

#100happydays: DAY 3 This art sculpture stands outside Plaza Singapura, and I love it because it's so colourful and bright. One other reason why I love it is because the sculpture makes me think of gummy bears, and on hot days like today I like to imagine that maybe the sculpture's going to melt! 101 Things I Think About: DAY 3 Sometimes you get so used to heading out with company that you start to forget how to enjoy your own company - Panda went home for the term break sometime last week, which means that I've got the next three weeks without his company. It's funny how this sudden loneliness is something I have to get used to - all of a sudden I have too much time on my hands and too little to fill it up with. I've been heading out whenever, but it's incredibly boring to be out alone with naught but music for company, and it doesn't help that everyone else is busy with their own lives too. I've got some personal projects lined up t...

#100happydays: DAY 2 You know how you have those days when you just want to do something nice for yourself? This was my something nice - bought the dress on sort-of impulse and decided to wear it immediately after purchase because hey, why not? It was cute, and I took a picture and sent it to Panda. What I didn't expect was the huge boost of self-confidence that the picture (and Panda's reaction) gave me - needless to say that he was a fan of the dress. I think it's safe to say that I've found my next reliable LBD! 101 Things I Think About: DAY 2 There's a student-run magazine that I'm a part of, and we have to come up with articles for publication on the website  (it's under  maintenance  right now, though, so check back later!). The most recent article I did was an opinion piece on the worrying beauty trends/fads that were becoming viral. Of course, the thing about writing for anything that isn't personal is that you have to be a lot n...

I was talking to Panda last night, and in between talking and laughing and dozing off he suggested that I try the "101 Things I Think About" challenge and the #100happydays challenge. What're these challenges about, you ask? It's simple - the #100happydays challenge requires you to find something that makes you happy, and you have to keep this up for 100 days. Sure, it's easy enough in the first week or so, because you find so many things that make you happy - your friends, your cat, your family, so on and so forth (#blessed, amirite?). The real challenge begins after you run out of all the big things to be happy for, and you have to start looking for smaller things, simpler things. This challenge has actually been around for a while - I remember seeing some friends participating in this a year or so ago - but hey, better late than never. Most do the #100happydays challenge on social media like Instagram because it's a lot easier to take a picture of the t...

“12:38 AM _______________ is calling…” I grab my phone – swipe right. Green to answer; green to let you into my room. Green like the shirt I wear while curled on the bed, propped against the pillow. You look nothing like you. Pixels and light where flesh and warmth should be. You are you, but not the you I hold. You are so much more than a blurry image and a shaky internet connection. We talk, we laugh, we tease. Shadows leap from the jar of stars I keep on the shelf  and dance  on the wall of the cupboard behind me. The stars shine ever brighter when you are with me -  why should my room be any different? I touch you, tracing the stubble on your jaw, brushing the hair from your eyes. It doesn’t work. Damned phone screen – my finger slides uselessly off its smoothness, and I curse behind the smile I wear for you. My fingers curl into the blue of your jacket, lying faded and loved – so loved – beside me on the bed. ...

Got upset at Panda today for something he did - it was a stupid, petty,  childish  move, and even though I could understand why he did what he did it still stung. He just texted me asking how I was feeling, and before I could reply with my perfectly prepared answer of "still grumpy at you, and about ready to pay more attention to my essay than you for the rest of the night" he sent me this GIF image as well. My heart frickin melted I mean did you see this cat and his fluffiness and his TAIL and his tiny little jellybean paws wait no I was supposed to still be grumpy omg no ...... ............ What can I say, he knows my weaknesses. It's kind of difficult to stay grumpy when you have a cat smack in front of you. I kind of forgive you, but you still suck. I love you.

"You are a hard-drinking, short-fused mess of a woman, but you are not a piece of shit." Never thought the most inspirational thing I'd hear today would come from a Netflix series. Alrighty, it's back to work. (I wonder if I could be considered a hard drinker if all I drank was coffee?)

Was listening to this song while making brunch and my thoughts drifted to you. Although not all of it suits, at least some parts are accurate enough. It's true, like the song says - we don't talk anymore. Maybe it's because we no longer have a reason to, but for some reason that strikes me as remarkably sad. We didn't have much in common then, and now it's even more evident. I haven't heard from you in months. Well, I suppose that's a good thing, don't you think? It's funny how time flies to find yourself glancing at the calendar, only to realise that you've missed a date by five days. Happy belated birthday - I hope you had a good one. I'd wanted to text, but I was worried it might lead to mixed signals of some sort. Last I heard you were doing well. Seeing someone, maybe? Getting on in life and all? I hope it stays, this happiness. I genuinely do. I'm happy where I am now, and I hope yo...

I've heard it all my life. "You're too ________." "You're not ________ enough." Too... Sarcastic, Mean, Bad-tempered, Grumpy, Fake? Not... Cheerful, Patient, Kind, Clever, Gentle enough? We've all heard it before. We continue to hear these things, even as we grow past the stage where we were supposed to be too much and not enough. We continue to hear these things, even as we are supposed to be enough by now. When are we too much for too ________? When are we not ________ enough for enough? I'm sorry , we say. I'm sorry I'm too ________ I'm sorry I'm not ________ enough. I'll try harder , we say. To be less ________. To be more ________. When is it ever enough? When is it never too much? When will we be just right?

Work. Staring at an endless waterfall of meaningless text my mind is free to drift. Even then the constant niggling of my thoughts is a thorn in my side. Of what we owe, of how much time we have. Ignore. Texts, messages, thoughts. I shall have to deal with them in due time -  fulfil the interaction part of my contract with others - but right now is not the time. Drift. I miss him - his touch, his voice, his scent. The familiar blue of his jacket folded on my bed is now gone returned to its rightful owner. Would that I could have held on to it for a little while longer, wrap it around myself like I would his arms at night. But no, certain things must be returned. Such is the way of things. Certain words are difficult to say. Meanings can be easily misunderstood. Today I just want you here. But I also want to disappear. Cease existing, just for a little while at least. I'm so tired, love. Happy First of April.