The Second Piece of Chocolate

There are times when I truly despise myself. This is one of them.

I saw 'Jacob' yesterday, when I was downstairs with my dad, and got a little worried for him when I saw he was sitting outside the clinic. I mean, when you're sitting outside the clinic, doesn't it usually mean that you're unwell, hence visiting the clinic? I guess I wanted to say hi to him.

But his face was averted from mine, and he didn't appear to see me, so my courage failed me. I don't know, maybe he really didn't see me. Or maybe he saw me, but turned away so he could avoid me by pretending not to see me. Either way, I just walked past him...

But what could I possibly have hoped to accomplish? If our eyes had met, he would most probably have mumbled a 'hi', and I would have smiled and said hello, feeling awkward all the while. How did things come to this? How did everything become so painful?

And why?? Why did he have to come into my life two years ago? Two years ago... I guess I am at fault, for being so trustingly naive. Shouldn't I have seen that it was too good to be true? That a guy comes up to me after suddenly transferring into my tuition class and just talks to me? Me, the nerdiest, most uncool girl to possibly exist? Why couldn't I have warned myself that no one could possibly get so close to someone else in such a short period of time? Why was I so stupidly foolish to trust him, to love him? Now it's like I don't exist anymore. It's like I was some tool just waiting to be used, and then discarded like a useless toy... Now all I can do is to pick up what's left of my heart and cry.

But my tears are wasted, aren't they?

Maybe you might think that I'm overreacting, or just being way melodramatic. All I'll say is that I'm a dramatic person by nature, made more sensitive by my Cancerian leanings, and right now I need to write everything out before it adds on to the hard ball of suppressed emotion that sits heavy in my chest. If you can't deal with this, then I'm sorry to have to say this, but screw you. I'm just too tired to fight anymore. In the meantime...

There ends the second piece of chocolate.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What's Your Patronus?

Image
What's a patronus? According to Professor Lupin, it "is a kind of Anti-Dementor - a guardian which acts as a shield between you and the Dementor". It basically conjures an incarnation of the caster's innermost positive feelings, such as joy or hope, and is a weapon rather than a predator of souls. Patronuses shield their conjurors from Dementors, and can even drive them away. They can also be used to send messages. Well. I've always wondered what my patronus would be. Once upon a long-ass time ago when I was in Primary School, I'd have said that my patronus was a dog, mostly because my favourite animal back then was a dog (of course, that was way before I realised exactly how awkward I am around animals). Then a few years after that when I was in Secondary School, I would have said that my patronus was a tortoise or a turtle, for reasons that I'd prefer not to say. And then after I graduated from NAS, I asked myself again what my patronus co...
Read more

Red.

Image
I always dye my hair red - I started dyeing it two years ago after I completed my internship because I felt that it was time, I was ready, and I haven't dyed it a different colour ever since. Of course, constant dye jobs do nothing for the hair, which is why I allowed mum to nag me into doing a henna job on my hair instead of the usual bright red I ask of the hairstylist. The result is that my hair now looks orangey instead of red, which is what I expected but nevertheless found myself incredibly disappointed with. (The irony is that I never have such complaints about my hair colour whenever my red fades to orange within the first two weeks of the fresh dye.) Tsuki-kun told me that he felt the orange suited me better since the red was too bright, but I can't quite bring myself to agree with him. See, the thing about red is that I chose the colour myself - it was the colour I was absolutely sure that I wanted for myself, and I never regretted the colour. Sur...
Read more

Break The Mirror. Please.

Image
I don't want to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I don't want to see my reflection, I don't want to see that ugly girl staring back at me. Those pleading eyes. She wants me to do something, anything, just so she doesn't look so ugly. She's fat and ugly. Hideous, both inside and outside. All she wants is to stop thinking. Because every time she does, the knife inches ever closer to her heart. She will never be as perfect as her . She just wants to stop looking. Shut up. Just shut up. Stop comparing. I know I'm ugly. Stop thinking. Leave me alone! She wants to stop seeing all the fat bits, all the wobbly jiggly bits that she aches to just cut off. Just grab a knife and slice them all off and she won't be so FAT . She won't be so UGLY . She just wants to kill herself. Please?
Read more