Keep Them At Bay

Mood swinging pretty badly right now sigh. But even though I'm alternating between wanting to cry, rage and kill myself, these two thoughts are clear in my mind.

Nakushita-kun.
When nobody gave a fuck about you, I was there.
When you felt so betrayed because of her, I was there.
I was the first person you'd run to, for help or a comforting word or a whack across the head when you needed it.
You promised me you'd be there for me.
You promised you wouldn't leave like everyone else.
You. Fucking. PROMISED.

When I needed you, where the hell were you?
When I was crying in my room, where were you?
Having fun with your new girlfriend.
Having the time of your life with your "dar".

I was the one who had to pull myself back up,
bit by agonising bit.
I fell.
I cried.
I suffered.
But I made it. And I promised myself I'd never need you again.
I promised myself I'd never need anyone except for my sisters.

It seems fate has a strange way of making me run into you.
In school.
At the bus stop.
In the neighbourhood.
With your girlfriend.

I just avert my eyes and walk on.
I pretend not to see you.
We make eye contact sometimes.
Why do you always look so shocked?
Did you think I was dead or something, I wonder?

We never talk. Ever.
It's sheer agony, having to see you so happy with your girlfriend.
Maybe she loves you much better than I ever could.
I only ever saw you as my only guy best friend, after all.
It was never important.

Rikugame-kun.
Love. Can you tell me what that is?
Because I don't know what it means anymore.
I've always told myself that I don't know what love is.
I'm too young, after all. I only know what a crush is.

I read in Twitter that a crush only lasts 4 months.
Anything longer than that is love.
It's been 4 years.
Is this love?
Somehow, I still hesitate to call it love.

Your profile picture's of you and your girlfriend.
It doesn't hurt as much to look at it now.
I hope you're genuinely happy.
And I hope you make her happy.
She deserves to be happy with you.

As for me?
I'll just be here.
Struggling, forever struggling, to know if I'm truly ready to move the fuck on.
I tell myself that I am,
but that doesn't explain why I've been dreaming about you

Every
Single
Night
lately.

Love?
You tell me what that is.

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