I Will NOT Apologise.



According to Tish, I'm too nice. I apologise too much.

I don't know about the whole "too nice" thing, because I really don't think I'm all that nice. It's just convenient for me that people seem to think I'm a nice person, for reasons I don't understand. I try telling people that I'm really not that nice, but they keep insisting that no, I'm a perfectly nice person. I'm so nice to everyone.

Well, if you say so.

I'll agree with the "apologising too much" thing though. I do apologise too much. I apologise for things that are my fault, and for things that aren't. And even though I know that it isn't my fault and I have no reason or need to apologise, I still do. I guess it's like a safety blanket - if I apologise, I'm saying sorry in advance for anything I might be blamed for.

I apologised when someone made a mistake. I apologised when people mistreated me, when they treated me like dirt. I had a friend once, and when he ditched me for his girlfriend, I apologised for being a bad friend. When people even look at me, I apologise like I'm doing them a disfavour for allowing them to even cast their eyes upon my face.

I should really stop apologising. It's so weak. I refuse to be a weak person, because weak people are treated worse than trash. I'm not trash.

So I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry for things that aren't my fault, and I'm not sorry if people look at me. I'm not sorry if I'm bold and outspoken at times, and I'm not sorry if I'm shy and nervous at other times. I'm not sorry that I'm an awkward person.

I'm not sorry that one of the people I considered close left me for another girl, because he sure as hell didn't know what he was missing out on. I'm not sorry because I was an amazing friend and I had his back when he really needed me, and I took on his problems and helped him when he dumped everything on me. I'm not sorry that he was a shit friend because I learned the hard way that I can't trust everyone, and I learned how to take care of myself when I had absolutely no one.

I'm not sorry because I grew up a lot more, and I've changed so much from that girl I was three years ago. I'm not sorry because I learnt who to keep close to my heart and who to push away, and I learnt how to fight for myself and those I cared for.

I'm not sorry because in spite of all my flaws and insecurities and all my fucked-up bits and pieces of me, I'm doing all right.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What's Your Patronus?

Image
What's a patronus? According to Professor Lupin, it "is a kind of Anti-Dementor - a guardian which acts as a shield between you and the Dementor". It basically conjures an incarnation of the caster's innermost positive feelings, such as joy or hope, and is a weapon rather than a predator of souls. Patronuses shield their conjurors from Dementors, and can even drive them away. They can also be used to send messages. Well. I've always wondered what my patronus would be. Once upon a long-ass time ago when I was in Primary School, I'd have said that my patronus was a dog, mostly because my favourite animal back then was a dog (of course, that was way before I realised exactly how awkward I am around animals). Then a few years after that when I was in Secondary School, I would have said that my patronus was a tortoise or a turtle, for reasons that I'd prefer not to say. And then after I graduated from NAS, I asked myself again what my patronus co...
Read more

Red.

Image
I always dye my hair red - I started dyeing it two years ago after I completed my internship because I felt that it was time, I was ready, and I haven't dyed it a different colour ever since. Of course, constant dye jobs do nothing for the hair, which is why I allowed mum to nag me into doing a henna job on my hair instead of the usual bright red I ask of the hairstylist. The result is that my hair now looks orangey instead of red, which is what I expected but nevertheless found myself incredibly disappointed with. (The irony is that I never have such complaints about my hair colour whenever my red fades to orange within the first two weeks of the fresh dye.) Tsuki-kun told me that he felt the orange suited me better since the red was too bright, but I can't quite bring myself to agree with him. See, the thing about red is that I chose the colour myself - it was the colour I was absolutely sure that I wanted for myself, and I never regretted the colour. Sur...
Read more

Break The Mirror. Please.

Image
I don't want to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I don't want to see my reflection, I don't want to see that ugly girl staring back at me. Those pleading eyes. She wants me to do something, anything, just so she doesn't look so ugly. She's fat and ugly. Hideous, both inside and outside. All she wants is to stop thinking. Because every time she does, the knife inches ever closer to her heart. She will never be as perfect as her . She just wants to stop looking. Shut up. Just shut up. Stop comparing. I know I'm ugly. Stop thinking. Leave me alone! She wants to stop seeing all the fat bits, all the wobbly jiggly bits that she aches to just cut off. Just grab a knife and slice them all off and she won't be so FAT . She won't be so UGLY . She just wants to kill herself. Please?
Read more