For we must all learn to howl.

I swear I'm not lying, I swear I'm not doing this to get your attention - there are other, better ways to do so than tell you how I almost blacked out while sitting at my desk. The dizziness is real. I don't know why they occur only at certain times, I don't know what triggers them, I don't know why they're so bad I feel like crying blood when they hit but feel nothing when they're gone, like I must have been dreaming them up because I don't hurt at all. Please, please believe me. At least know enough of me to be confident that I wouldn't use something as stupid as frequent headaches and dizziness to get your attention. I wouldn't pull something as childish as that, you have to believe me.

I want to make clear that this post has no political opinion at all and it's really just personal opinion all the way.  No words needed - Mr Lee passed away at 3:18AM and now the nation's in mourning for a week. There's no one in Singapore who doesn't know who Lee Kuan Yew is - as a child I heard his name, as a student I learned about what he did for the country and why we so often referred to him as the father of our nation. We all know how he was the one who took our little red dot and turned it into what it is today - most of the world knows who we are because of him, and it really says something that prominent leaders have all paid tribute to him. I used to hear quite a few people grumble about him and his policies, but no one really spoke up against any of it because well, who could deny all that he'd done for us? Love him or hate him, you couldn't deny that the country was all the better because of someone like him. Speaking of loving and ha...

Current state of my PR proposal plan. I'm about five minutes from slamming my head against the desk now.

I don't get it. These things you need these supposedly natural things... I don't speak this language. It feels like everyone around me speaks in a foreign tongue. I know what they say, but not what they mean . I know what they do, but I don't understand why . There is no handbook, no guide to show me why this is so important. I read and read, but it still makes no sense. Why does something like this show affection? All you're doing is holding my hand. It's very nice, but then why does your hand move? When I ask you to explain it to me... You hesitate. It's understandable. After all, it's something so natural that, well, how do you teach someone how to breathe? I never thought that this could be so difficult. I don't quite understand you. And neither you I. We're both learning how best to speak to each other. Do you have the patience? Can you wait? I need to understand your language. Frustration battles Confusion -  yo...

So I might have the teensiest obsession with 8Tracks...

Just got off the phone with my boss - I had to tell her that I wouldn't be able to go to the office tomorrow because I had too much work to do. It's not a lie - if I count the journal that's due this Sunday, I have four journal entries due, three of which are overdue. My boss is a genuinely nice person, and she understood completely, telling me that my studies were definitely more important than working, and told me to let her know when I would be able to come in so she would give me work to do. It makes it that much tougher not to feel like an awful person for procrastinating. Admitting that I'm a very good (or is it bad?) procrastinator is an understatement, to be honest. I won't make any excuses for it - I don't manage my time well, and I prefer to let myself get distracted too easily instead of resisting the urge to stay on Tumblr, watch an episode of a series I'm chasing, listen to music, blog... I always tell myself how important it is to stay on...

It's been rainy all day and I'm so happy I could cry, but it also sort of means I'm procrastinating a LOT on my work. Whoops.

Went for dinner with Tsuki-kun, and I have to admit I was incredibly nervous - I'd sort of planned something out and all but other than that it really wasn't much. So glad he liked dinner and the book I got for him - I was genuinely worried he might not like it, or think a book was silly or something. I don't know why I'm always so scared of coming off as too childish for him, honestly - I need to be more confident. Baby steps, Nat. Remember it's okay to be weird. Remember you don't have to apologise or feel awkward about being you. Remember your Japanese confidence, and forget about continually asking yourself if it's going to work out. If it's going to, it will. You don't always have to talk - remember that silence can be comforting too. Breathe. ~ We did have a bit of a talk about physical proximity though - I felt  kind of  really bad because it's never been something I've given that much thought about. I love hugging him and ...

Sometimes I wonder. I wonder if everything that’s happened so far is actually real, or in fact one big lie that I’m being told. What did I do to deserve this? I’ve told him so much – everything about the demons I used to (and still do) dance with. Why is he so accepting of it? I wonder why he sticks around when he knows that I am nothing more than shards of broken glass glued together in the pretense of trying to look like a mural. Sometimes I worry. I worry he’ll meet someone infinitely better than I am – smarter, prettier, skinnier – and realize that he could do so much better. I worry that he’ll grow bored of me. I gave a friend an analogy of sorts – imagine a teddy bear that’s been torn apart and stitched back together, not perfectly but still mostly in one piece, albeit in a very ragtag manner. Then imagine another teddy that’s also somewhat stitched together but in a much better fashion than the first teddy and so looks much better put-together. How on earth...

I had a post sitting lonely in the drafts corner about how Chinese New Year was here again and how everything was red and loud all over again. I never finished that post (in fact, I just threw it out a couple seconds ago) but the gist of all that meandering around was simply to try leading in to the fact that I really miss my grandmother. It felt weird, not going to that awful nursing home to visit her this year - my grandmother passed away last year. I've always hated that nursing home because it reeks of sadness and hopelessness - you watch some old folks argue with the staff about how they want to go home and why won't their children come by to pick them up, they promised , and it breaks your heart. What only makes it worse is when you see the other old folks who simply sit in silence, having given up on "home", whatever it may be for them now. In a way, you could say that my grandmother was one of the luckier ones - she had to stay in the nursing home because n...