Mature x Immature
Just got off the phone with my boss - I had to tell her that I wouldn't be able to go to the office tomorrow because I had too much work to do. It's not a lie - if I count the journal that's due this Sunday, I have four journal entries due, three of which are overdue.
My boss is a genuinely nice person, and she understood completely, telling me that my studies were definitely more important than working, and told me to let her know when I would be able to come in so she would give me work to do. It makes it that much tougher not to feel like an awful person for procrastinating.
Admitting that I'm a very good (or is it bad?) procrastinator is an understatement, to be honest.
I won't make any excuses for it - I don't manage my time well, and I prefer to let myself get distracted too easily instead of resisting the urge to stay on Tumblr, watch an episode of a series I'm chasing, listen to music, blog... I always tell myself how important it is to stay on top of my work, and yet I'm the one allowing all this to pile up too.
I wonder if it's supposed to be clever that I only ever allow myself to be this out of it for assignments that won't hurt so much should I lose marks for tardiness? Even now the irony of my blogging about procrastination (which only ends up with me procrastinating on starting those journal entries because I'm blogging) is not lost on me.
What's so stupid about everything is that I'll use the whole of tomorrow to work on those journal entries, and I will finish them. That's the stupidest thing about it all - the fact that I really can finish whatever I put my mind to as long as I want it enough.
It hurts, though. It hurts to do this, not because of the marks I lose due to handing in my assignments late, but because of the fact that I have to keep telling my boss I can't come in to help her.
It's stupid, isn't it? I set myself up so that I at least give people the impression that I'm a dependable person, mature even, and then I go and do things like these. The whole time I worry about not being mature enough and then I continuously prove to myself why I'm really not mature at all.
Mum showed me some old photos she kept - among them were a set of photographs that my dad took of her when they first started dating. One of the things that struck me was how beautiful she was:
The other thing that struck me was when she remarked that she was more mature than I was at the same age. She was referring to looks, actually - it's the truth, she looks a lot more like a 21-year-old than you'd expect me to be able to look in 3 months. Of course, maturity isn't confined to looks alone.
It's the truth - my mother was very mature for her age, and I look up to her so much. Perhaps that's why I wish to be as mature as she would have been at the same age? I know it's a different time and all, but I can't help comparing how I'm acting now to how she would have acted.
The mature bit of me says that it's my own bloody fault for letting all this pile up, and that I should go for work tomorrow and deal with the journals at night like a properly mature university student should be doing, but the childish part of me whines that I've now managed to get a whole day to work on the journals, and I definitely shouldn't waste it.
This is why you know you're not a mature person, Nat. For all your words and imaginary poise, illusionary calm manner and dry humour... You're really not as mature as you want to believe you are, as you want others to believe you are.
It's the same thing you've heard as a child, and you know it.
You're 13, 16, 18, 19...
You're 20 going on 21 now, why can't you be more mature? You're expected to be an adult, and yet you act this way.
You're just a child playing dress-up, aren't you?
My boss is a genuinely nice person, and she understood completely, telling me that my studies were definitely more important than working, and told me to let her know when I would be able to come in so she would give me work to do. It makes it that much tougher not to feel like an awful person for procrastinating.
Admitting that I'm a very good (or is it bad?) procrastinator is an understatement, to be honest.
I won't make any excuses for it - I don't manage my time well, and I prefer to let myself get distracted too easily instead of resisting the urge to stay on Tumblr, watch an episode of a series I'm chasing, listen to music, blog... I always tell myself how important it is to stay on top of my work, and yet I'm the one allowing all this to pile up too.
I wonder if it's supposed to be clever that I only ever allow myself to be this out of it for assignments that won't hurt so much should I lose marks for tardiness? Even now the irony of my blogging about procrastination (which only ends up with me procrastinating on starting those journal entries because I'm blogging) is not lost on me.
What's so stupid about everything is that I'll use the whole of tomorrow to work on those journal entries, and I will finish them. That's the stupidest thing about it all - the fact that I really can finish whatever I put my mind to as long as I want it enough.
It hurts, though. It hurts to do this, not because of the marks I lose due to handing in my assignments late, but because of the fact that I have to keep telling my boss I can't come in to help her.
It's stupid, isn't it? I set myself up so that I at least give people the impression that I'm a dependable person, mature even, and then I go and do things like these. The whole time I worry about not being mature enough and then I continuously prove to myself why I'm really not mature at all.
Mum showed me some old photos she kept - among them were a set of photographs that my dad took of her when they first started dating. One of the things that struck me was how beautiful she was:
This was my mother at 21.
Was it any wonder my dad asked her to be his model, honestly?
She's absolutely beautiful, and there's no way I can look this amazing.
This is what they call natural beauty.
The other thing that struck me was when she remarked that she was more mature than I was at the same age. She was referring to looks, actually - it's the truth, she looks a lot more like a 21-year-old than you'd expect me to be able to look in 3 months. Of course, maturity isn't confined to looks alone.
It's the truth - my mother was very mature for her age, and I look up to her so much. Perhaps that's why I wish to be as mature as she would have been at the same age? I know it's a different time and all, but I can't help comparing how I'm acting now to how she would have acted.
The mature bit of me says that it's my own bloody fault for letting all this pile up, and that I should go for work tomorrow and deal with the journals at night like a properly mature university student should be doing, but the childish part of me whines that I've now managed to get a whole day to work on the journals, and I definitely shouldn't waste it.
This is why you know you're not a mature person, Nat. For all your words and imaginary poise, illusionary calm manner and dry humour... You're really not as mature as you want to believe you are, as you want others to believe you are.
It's the same thing you've heard as a child, and you know it.
You're 13, 16, 18, 19...
You're 20 going on 21 now, why can't you be more mature? You're expected to be an adult, and yet you act this way.
You're just a child playing dress-up, aren't you?
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