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Went for dinner with Tsuki-kun, and I have to admit I was incredibly nervous - I'd sort of planned something out and all but other than that it really wasn't much.

So glad he liked dinner and the book I got for him - I was genuinely worried he might not like it, or think a book was silly or something. I don't know why I'm always so scared of coming off as too childish for him, honestly - I need to be more confident.

Baby steps, Nat. Remember it's okay to be weird. Remember you don't have to apologise or feel awkward about being you.

Remember your Japanese confidence, and forget about continually asking yourself if it's going to work out. If it's going to, it will. You don't always have to talk - remember that silence can be comforting too.

Breathe.

 ~

We did have a bit of a talk about physical proximity though - I felt kind of really bad because it's never been something I've given that much thought about. I love hugging him and holding hands and whatnot (and even now I sort of cringe a little because typing out, seeing it out in text sounds so childish) and I really, really want to sort of - I dunno - glomp him and all, but I get the sense he wants a little more. And that's something I'm not sure I can do.

He's been really understanding and sweet about it, though - I'm glad for that. It's just frustrating because I want to show physical affection, I crave it even. Hell, I love it when he puts his hands on my shoulders or around my waist, I love it when he pulls me close to him. The thing is I don't know how to show that all this - or a hug or holding his hand - means as much to me as a kiss or something else would mean to most others. There's always this unspoken thing - is it okay for me to just leave it like this? Or is this supposed to lead somewhere a little further? 

A hug has so many different levels of intimacy and meaning, and holding hands is as significant as kissing in my opinion... It sounds so odd, doesn't it? So inadequate.

Would it be too strange, too selfish even, if I were to say that this is all I want?

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