How cruel you are
I have never been perfect.
I've always been fully aware of this statement, and yet have always felt comfortable enough to be me. But now I feel as though my inner strength and self-worth are being tested to the core. It's like for every time I tell myself that I am beautiful in my own right and deserve to be have the chance, my chance, to shine, there are at least 10 others who shoot me down and stomp all over me. If I were to describe myself as a doll right now, I'd be the dirty ragdoll that you would find thrown into the drain, waiting for the right person to see through all the layers of grime and filth and see, really see, the beauty inside that could be revealed if given the chance.
I wore a skirt to school today. Ever since April, which was when school started, I'd been wearing jeans and a graphic tee, along with my beat-up sneakers, so the need to show my slightly girlier side was pretty much eating away at me. Yes, I wore a skirt with a tee to school today, and felt a little awkward about it (can you imagine I hadn't been wearing a skirt ever since I graduated from NAS? God!) but all in all, I felt pretty darn good. It was like taking a breath of fresh air after wearing jeans for so long.
But I digress.
When I went to school, I went straight to my guy friend, who is in CMM as well but sadly in another class. (Let's just call him 'Timothy' for now.) When he saw what I was wearing, he didn't freak out, but said that I looked good. I didn't think he meant it, but oh well. My two friends complimented me on my dressing and said that the change was rather shocking in a good way. Naturally, I felt reassured that my choice of dressing was fine and that I could survive the day, hopefully without crying over the hell that I normally go through. Let me assure you, the hell I go through everyday in school is really bad. If it can reduce me to tears, it's bad.
Again, I digress.
I had no idea that a classmate had tweeted about what I was wearing, and that since the others hadn't seen me yet, were all eager to ogle at me like a zoo exhibit and then comment about me behind my back. I didn't notice anything (I was concentrating too much on not tripping over my feet), and so I remained blissfully ignorant till lessons ended and I went to the Mac lab with one of my friends to rush some work. There, she told me everything, and shared how she was agonising over whether to tell me of not since she didn't want to spoil my good mood (which was actually the first I'd had in a month or so).
It took everything I had not to let my walls crumble and just cry in front of her. I felt so upset - was I really that fun to pick on? Why did they have to do this to me? I was already feeling so awkward wearing a skirt to school that it felt even worse when I found out that everyone was commenting on what I was wearing and having fun tearing my self-image to pieces. The only thing that stopped me from bursting into tears right there and then was the thought that someone had actually complimented me on what I was wearing, and that things weren't as bad as they seemed to be.
Why? Why must everyone be so cruel? I understand if you say that God wants to test us and let us slowly realise how strong we can truly be, or even if this is to make up for how I treated a previous friend in the past. But even then, I was never half as cruel as this is. I never stooped so low. Never. But maybe I am to pay for my sins. Is that it? Is this punishment for what I've done? I have always made it a point to treat others as I would like to be treated, and have always held true to my beliefs. But right now, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to hold my head up and live with confidence.
I have considered withdrawing from the CMM course. It's madness, I know, but as far as I see it, it's a lifeline that I can take if I really do get that desperate. I would never forgive myself if I backed out of doing something I truly love, and rendered myself unable to reach my dream of being a news anchor for Channel NewsAsia, but it's Just. So. Hard.
But really, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I let myself get so weak as to let others dictate how I live my life. I've always been strong, and headstrong too, but I've even been slammed for not showing when I'm upset. How much more do they want? Do I have to come to school crying before they accept that I hide my sadness and anger for a reason? My friend backed me up once, saying that my masking of my unhappiness was a sign of strength, but they remain unconvinced.
Truly, the media scene is cruel, unimaginably so. It was only when I entered the scene that I realised just how cruel it could be, and that innocence and honesty is to be thrown out the window only to be replaced by spite and ruthlessness. But I refuse to give in. I refuse to change myself just to get them off my back, because I doubt they would stop even if I changed myself, and besides, giving in is giving up, isn't it?
Still, the thought of withdrawal is there, in the back of my head, ready to offer an opportuntity to escape should things get too much.........
One last thing. If anyone reading this post has issues in school, home, wherever, and for whatever reasons, tag me. Comment on this post, and ask for my email or something so we can talk. Call me if you know me and have my number. Just, let's get in contact, because anyone who's suffering like I am shouldn't have to suffer alone. Helping hands, listening ears, shoulders to cry on... We need to be surrounded by our good friends right now.
I leave you readers with this very short statement I came up with two nights ago, and now I carry it with me in my file like a personal mantra. Go ahead, use it if you want to, I don't mind sharing this around.
I've always been fully aware of this statement, and yet have always felt comfortable enough to be me. But now I feel as though my inner strength and self-worth are being tested to the core. It's like for every time I tell myself that I am beautiful in my own right and deserve to be have the chance, my chance, to shine, there are at least 10 others who shoot me down and stomp all over me. If I were to describe myself as a doll right now, I'd be the dirty ragdoll that you would find thrown into the drain, waiting for the right person to see through all the layers of grime and filth and see, really see, the beauty inside that could be revealed if given the chance.
I wore a skirt to school today. Ever since April, which was when school started, I'd been wearing jeans and a graphic tee, along with my beat-up sneakers, so the need to show my slightly girlier side was pretty much eating away at me. Yes, I wore a skirt with a tee to school today, and felt a little awkward about it (can you imagine I hadn't been wearing a skirt ever since I graduated from NAS? God!) but all in all, I felt pretty darn good. It was like taking a breath of fresh air after wearing jeans for so long.
But I digress.
When I went to school, I went straight to my guy friend, who is in CMM as well but sadly in another class. (Let's just call him 'Timothy' for now.) When he saw what I was wearing, he didn't freak out, but said that I looked good. I didn't think he meant it, but oh well. My two friends complimented me on my dressing and said that the change was rather shocking in a good way. Naturally, I felt reassured that my choice of dressing was fine and that I could survive the day, hopefully without crying over the hell that I normally go through. Let me assure you, the hell I go through everyday in school is really bad. If it can reduce me to tears, it's bad.
Again, I digress.
I had no idea that a classmate had tweeted about what I was wearing, and that since the others hadn't seen me yet, were all eager to ogle at me like a zoo exhibit and then comment about me behind my back. I didn't notice anything (I was concentrating too much on not tripping over my feet), and so I remained blissfully ignorant till lessons ended and I went to the Mac lab with one of my friends to rush some work. There, she told me everything, and shared how she was agonising over whether to tell me of not since she didn't want to spoil my good mood (which was actually the first I'd had in a month or so).
It took everything I had not to let my walls crumble and just cry in front of her. I felt so upset - was I really that fun to pick on? Why did they have to do this to me? I was already feeling so awkward wearing a skirt to school that it felt even worse when I found out that everyone was commenting on what I was wearing and having fun tearing my self-image to pieces. The only thing that stopped me from bursting into tears right there and then was the thought that someone had actually complimented me on what I was wearing, and that things weren't as bad as they seemed to be.
Why? Why must everyone be so cruel? I understand if you say that God wants to test us and let us slowly realise how strong we can truly be, or even if this is to make up for how I treated a previous friend in the past. But even then, I was never half as cruel as this is. I never stooped so low. Never. But maybe I am to pay for my sins. Is that it? Is this punishment for what I've done? I have always made it a point to treat others as I would like to be treated, and have always held true to my beliefs. But right now, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to hold my head up and live with confidence.
I have considered withdrawing from the CMM course. It's madness, I know, but as far as I see it, it's a lifeline that I can take if I really do get that desperate. I would never forgive myself if I backed out of doing something I truly love, and rendered myself unable to reach my dream of being a news anchor for Channel NewsAsia, but it's Just. So. Hard.
But really, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I let myself get so weak as to let others dictate how I live my life. I've always been strong, and headstrong too, but I've even been slammed for not showing when I'm upset. How much more do they want? Do I have to come to school crying before they accept that I hide my sadness and anger for a reason? My friend backed me up once, saying that my masking of my unhappiness was a sign of strength, but they remain unconvinced.
Truly, the media scene is cruel, unimaginably so. It was only when I entered the scene that I realised just how cruel it could be, and that innocence and honesty is to be thrown out the window only to be replaced by spite and ruthlessness. But I refuse to give in. I refuse to change myself just to get them off my back, because I doubt they would stop even if I changed myself, and besides, giving in is giving up, isn't it?
Still, the thought of withdrawal is there, in the back of my head, ready to offer an opportuntity to escape should things get too much.........
One last thing. If anyone reading this post has issues in school, home, wherever, and for whatever reasons, tag me. Comment on this post, and ask for my email or something so we can talk. Call me if you know me and have my number. Just, let's get in contact, because anyone who's suffering like I am shouldn't have to suffer alone. Helping hands, listening ears, shoulders to cry on... We need to be surrounded by our good friends right now.
I leave you readers with this very short statement I came up with two nights ago, and now I carry it with me in my file like a personal mantra. Go ahead, use it if you want to, I don't mind sharing this around.
Hold your head up high no matter what,
because if life takes away your confidence then you truly are left with nothing.
Comments
Post a Comment