For we must all learn to howl.

I've always thought that those who are deemed "exotic" are extraordinarily pretty, or maybe drop-dead gorgeous, or heart-stoppingly handsome. In my eyes, "exotic" usually meant "way out of my league" and usually meant that I'd only be able to stare at such people from a distance and feel slightly jealous. So when Tish actually said today that I was exotic-looking.... Really? *blushes* Really....?

Having an expresso at 8:45PM was a bad idea, even if I didn't know that it was an expresso  at the time. Coffee at dinner is a bad idea. On the bright side, I feel completely awake, for the first time in days/weeks/months/years/ever.

When do the masks come off?

The original: The accoustic version: The metrognome remix: This is so good, I swear.

Tell me what I should see when I look into the mirror everyday.

Ask a question and take no answers what, then, is the use of the girl raising her hand? The question she has dies on her lips as you brush her off with a wave of your hand. Again she tries and again she fails until finally, she sits with her head hung low, quietly scribbling notes. Sorry, then, that she isn't smart enough. Turns up for lectures takes notes diligently but still not clever enough? Fine! She looks down, tears in eyes. fighting the humiliation  of constantly asking but being ignored. A whisper in a cloud of babble. This was an old scribble that I found two days ago - I decided to throw it here haha!

Because no words describe exactly how horrible I feel right now.

Before I decide to crash for the night.... I just thought I'd say this. First of all, I apologise for the previous post. It's not a habit of mine to whine (I can't stand it, in all honesty) and well, posting stuff like that.... I'm sorry I did it, because now I feel like I'm forcing people to comment, which is the last thing I wanna do. I was just feeling frustrated, and well... I guess I took it out on my blog. I won't take the post down, but from now on I'm not gonna whine about something so petty again. I gotta work on being less petty, really. :/ Sorry, guys.

I totally remember watching this again and again as a kid, and always thinking that MJ looked so handsome in this video sigh.

Nobody here ever comments on anything. It's bloody depressing. I love how I blog and blog and blog, and fill this place up with my thoughts and feelings, and yes  people tell me that my blog is extremely depressing (I still don't quite see why, though...) and yet they still say that they genuinely enjoy reading whatever nonsense I blog, and yet  nobody ever comments. I genuinely love blogging. I enjoy it a lot, but it's extremely depressing to know that nothing I post seems to get people (if any even read my damn blog) to think about what I write, and write something to state their opinion on something. I mean, even a "your blog sucks" would be somewhat welcome. At least it would mean that someone actually reacted to my blog. Or if anyone would even click on the little checkboxes at the end of each post. Seriously. I don't mean to sound bitchy, but is it really that difficult? Because it's truly frustrating how I feel like I'm talking to a wall alm...

To be completely random, I just happened to stumble across this, and I think I'm in love with this picture. Well, maybe not love. It's not possible to be in love with a picture, right...? Lust it is, then.

I have good news. News that has, for now, helped to push some of the stress aside because I'm really, really happy about this. Some students from TP Design School came to drama practice today to watch us act because they said they were scouting for talents to use for their filming (At least, I think it's filming). AND THEY WANT ME TO HELP THEM. Me. I don't believe it. To others it may not be a very big thing, but to me it's really awesome because hey, someone actually thinks my acting is good! Day made. Day actually made. Whoo! :D

This is what Dy, Tish, Jo and I came up with during lecture today. You know when you have an awkward conversation with someone and all of a sudden, you realise that the ceiling is painted a wonderfully interesting shade of green? Yeah, we came up with some colours that we could use. Introducing our newest nail polish range: O For The Love of Awkward Conversations. Awkward Yellow  Judging Blue Minding-my-own-Business Black  Snot Green  Kill-me-now Red Wish-I-wasn't-here White Nice-weather-today Pink So if you catch any of us going round saying "That's a lovely shade of awkward yellow!" or "I absolutely love how my laptop is kill-me-now red", well, now you know the reason for this lunacy. During drama practice today, Dy and I were having loads of fun using those names and watching the epic faces of the juniors who were privy to our conversations. XD If you've got any other colour suggestions, do comment and let me know, yeah? We...

There's been something weighing on my mind for a while now, like something in the back of my mind that's just screaming at me, wanting me to take notice of it, to acknowledge it. And I would, but the problem is that I don't what the fuck it is. I don't know what it is that's bothering me so much. All I know is that there's something that's going to happen, and I'm just waiting for whatever it is to happen. Tish says I've lost some spark in my eyes, like when she looks into my eyes she can see that something's missing. Sure, when we talk about something that really interests me some light returns, but besides that my eyes are just ever-so-slightly dead, I guess. There's some spark that's missing. Spark, wherest art thou? And with this light that burns before thee, I give you my spark, my soul, to do with what you wish.

I don't know what to do. I'm so stressed, and confused, and tired and sick and scared. Stressed because of schoolwork and other things, not to mention personal stuff. Confused because of other things and personal stuff. Tired because of schoolwork, other things and personal stuff. Sick because I think I caught a bug somewhere. Scared because the mental flashes that I used to have every night have returned. And it's like I'm "seeing" things that I haven't been "seeing", shouldn't  have been "seeing" ever since about a month ago, when they just went away. Everything's just piling up, and the only source of relief I have is twitter and this blog. And my writing, but I'm so embarrassed because it's been that long since I last wrote anything like a poem or snippet of a story, and I feel ashamed to even think of myself as a somewhat-not-quite-there writer, because I've become so rusty. And something's been bo...

Beyond the quiet meadows of grasses green, beyond the oceans where strange creatures roam, behind the forest where the crooked trees lean, there is a castle made of stone. Brush the vines away, reveal the door; Turn the key, step into the dark. Never notice the runic symbols tattooed in the floor. now watch! As they begin to glow and spark. How the light surrounds you, finds you, binds you, to its ever-tightening embrace. Vainly you struggle, trying to get loose, how do you fight something that isn't there? Your heart falters; your breath stills, as you feel your eyes start to close. Slowly, your essence starts to leave your body, whoever said that the light was good? For those like us were meant to live forever in the darkness, safe from the light.

What do you do when the one place that used to be your sanctuary has now become another place that you can't trust? When the one place where you felt safe and accepted has now become another place where you have to keep your guard up no matter what? When you fear to trust those around you, in case their smiles should conceal knives of some kind? Are we jumping at shadows, or are our instincts that are screaming at us to be trusted? I don't want to have to leave... Not the one place where I was happy, not my one sanctuary...

If you think I'm rude, demanding and have an attitude problem, feel free to take a number and PISS OFF. Have a great day! :)

Cold November woods -  falling snow blankets and mutes. Silence resonates. I have never found the person who wrote this haiku, but this is my favourite one of all that I've read so far, for the simple reason that it speaks to me, so easily, so simply and on so many levels.

I love this song, which was the theme song from Fatal Frame 2: Crimson Butterfly. If you don't know what it is, go read Wikipedia or watch the game walkthrough by pyschadelicsnake - I'm lazy, and he's awesome. :)

I love this song, I happened to chance upon it before class today and what can I say? It makes for easy listening ^^ Plus he's extremely cute, though I gotta say I prefer him with glasses than without... What say you? :) And this video never fails to cheer me up. Chester Bennington, why are you so amazing? :')

In the end, who is it I truly let down? My friends, myself, you? Why do I constantly feel like I'm running? Running from these shadows that never leave my side? Natalie Chew, you are one fucked-up mess. It's bad enough that you're this way, but there's no need to drag others in. So selfish. You're so selfish.

I feel like laughing and crying all at the same time, and I'm slightly hysterical over this stupid, good-for-nothing assignment. I swung from neutral to annoyed to pissed off to laughing in a span of 3 minutes. For kami-sama's sake.... And now I'm just sitting here laughing and sobbing at the same time. "Life is my creation, is my best friend Imagination is my defense and I'll keep walking when skies are grey whatever happens was meant that way" Kerli - The Creationist

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qp_-sgX0M0I http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frcCss2JfxI http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joh263SS3oA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lOBc3QZD9w http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLvK5nKbo6w http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OaxejZBe0M http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gfwavTDMqs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tVTEyuCKn4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pPUmv3U2XY http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX4teoYf65Q http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVovQfq7U0w http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbuzskVs6rc&feature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZ1Rb9hC4JY And with the spammage of Disney song videos, I leave to sell my soul to BMR. Ja!

I don't understand. What did I do? The moment you came home, you asked me why I fed the fish. Apparently, you'd told me not to feed them, but that was yesterday , and kami-sama knows how what you say yesterday is not applicable for today because I can never get what you want because I very obviously am not a mind-reader, as much as I would like to be one. You asked me why  I fed the fish (because they were hungry, duh) and when I fed them (half an hour ago). Unfortunately, you were mumbling, so I couldn't catch what you said and had to ask you to repeat what you said, which made you angry. You then asked me why I turned the pump of the fish-tank off (which was what you'd told me to do when feeding the fish so that the pump wouldn't get clogged up) and then got increasingly agitated when I apparently couldn't give you the answer you wanted, whatever the hell that was, which made me increasingly agitated, which made me speak louder, which made you yell  I D...

For as long as I've been me, I've loved wearing dark colours. It's not a secret - Natalie Chew just loves wearing dark, sombre colours. It's always been who I am, and I'm usually quite comfortable with it. Why, then, have I been feeling increasingly self-conscious about what I wear lately? I mean, I always go to school in jeans (black skinnies now that I've finally made my purchase), a shirt (usually black) and sneakers (also black). Oh, and my black oversized bag and wristband. It's what I wear. It's my own unique (well, maybe not quite...) taste. I like it. But everyone around me loves colours. They embrace wearing bright colours that really make them stand out. Jo wears clothes that make her look more mature most of the time, in colours that flatter her (or at least from what I seem to see), Dayna loves her textures and patterns and it truly reflects in what she wears. Hui Min wears whatever she wants, whenever she wants, and pulls it off so frust...

The first time I saw you, you wouldn't leave me alone. You climbed into my hand and pretty much just sat there, staring at me. I pushed you away, thinking that maybe you were just curious, but no, you climbed back in and stayed there. And stared at me. Again I pushed, and again you came back, until I gave up and chose you. The moment you entered your new home, everything changed. You refused to answer to my calls, and you pretty much acted like the little diva you are. You nipped me, and even though it didn't hurt, it sure seemed to me that you enjoyed tasting my fingers. You didn't have a name, because you refused to answer to any name that I attempted to give you. But hey, it was alright. Sure, you thought my fingers were chow. And you acted like a right little princess. But hey, we worked something out, and we stuck to it, and it worked. I saw you grow up, and I saw you grow old, and it broke my heart to see you struggle to do things you wouldn't have had any p...

When I say I'll do almost anything for a friend, I mean it. And I never back down on my word, not ever. So when Tish needed help 2 days ago, all of us immediately leapt to our feet and started discussing how best to help. I daresay we even got a little overexcited, ha. The crisis? The ex was in the school, on our  turf. (Yes, this is me sounding territorial hehe.) The solution? Jo helped plan things out - Dayna would stay with Tish in the labs, Hui Min would be near the library to keep a watch on the mushroom, Jo herself would be at Macs to wait for me, and I had enthusiastically volunteered to meet the bitch at the mush, to collect whatever it was that she had to pass on to Tish. So off I went to the mush, trying to keep my growing anger to myself because I'm beyond sure that TP wouldn't really be interested in students fighting on campus (though I must say that I would love  to cover such a story for StopPress). As much as I would have loved to claw her face off, I ...

Down, down, throw everything down the drain. Weep, weep, cry till you have nothing left. Look up, look up, stand up and brush yourself off. And face a new day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZlJgGd7Pf0&feature=plcp

People die... Beauty fades... Love changes... And you will always be alone. ~ The Night World series

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBJTthbqMRo&feature=autoplay&list=PLA268B7F62813868A&playnext=3&shuffle=386828

The lightning flashes, and just for a moment, she can see everything outside the window, illuminated by white light. It doesn’t take long before the low, insistent growl of the accompanying thunder reaches her ears. Keller closes her eyes, and surrenders her senses to the rain that pounds against the windows in her house. She’s loved the rain for as long as she can remember. The howl of the wind and its cold caress against her cheeks, the familiar smell of wet earth, the indescribable sensation of cool water droplets hitting her… It doesn’t matter if she’s walking in the rain, feeling the water soak into her clothes and boots, or if she’s just quietly watching it – the rain calms her down. As another bolt of lightning streaks across the sky, her thoughts drift. Today is the day when she lost her innocence, the day when she was forced to grow up. It was on this exact day, eight years ago, that her father was found murdered on the outskirts of town. The murderer was never found....

So Tish told me that she actually enjoyed reading my blog, which resulted in me feeling damn good about my blog. And then she told me that it was because my blog was so depressing that it actually cheered her up reading it, knowing that she didn't have it that bad. And that made me feel... I don't know, pretty damn confused. I know for a fact that my blog is depressing, especially since in Secondary Three I had a friend actually ask me to make my blog a little more cheerful because she got depressed after reading it. Oops....? >.<" But the thing is, I can't help it. I actually enjoy  writing like this (perverse pleasure, mwahaha) and writing sad, depressing poems (however short they may be) and little snippets of potential stories that I'll probably never get around to writing. But hell. Someone's actually told me that she enjoys reading my blog, and that she's grown to like my writing style, along with the dark humour that seems to exist in m...

Because when you haven't seen someone for that long, you forget how to feel. I saw you yesterday. For half a moment, my heart actually stuttered and stopped. Even after four years, you haven’t changed at all. I’ll be honest – I hadn’t actually noticed you until you called out my name and that was when I froze. You’d sounded slightly surprised, maybe even shocked to see me. Why is that? Could it be because the 14-year-old you remembered is older now? Finally a girl of eighteen? Perhaps you didn’t think it was me. I didn’t expect to see you. Maybe I was actually hoping that I wouldn’t see you. After all, what were you doing in the area? You don’t live here. Even seeing you, exchanging a few words… You asked for my number, because you had lost it (your phone had gone insane again). I’ve never lost your number. In all truth, I don’t know what I feel about you anymore. I think I was too shocked to actually see you, ...

In spite of all that I thought, in spite of all that I said, Mother was right. In spite of how I scoffed at her words, and thought that hey, I'm definitely mature enough to handle this, Mother was right. Because she was always right about this, no matter what I thought. And I've got to learn from my screw-ups. not keep running away - it's a bad habit I have. Too young. Not mature enough. Shouldn't even be thinking about this. Mother was right.

Nothing has changed. I'd like to keep it that way as long as possible.