I won't be a burden.

I don't know what to do. I'm so stressed, and confused, and tired and sick and scared.

Stressed because of schoolwork and other things, not to mention personal stuff.
Confused because of other things and personal stuff.
Tired because of schoolwork, other things and personal stuff.
Sick because I think I caught a bug somewhere.
Scared because the mental flashes that I used to have every night have returned. And it's like I'm "seeing" things that I haven't been "seeing", shouldn't have been "seeing" ever since about a month ago, when they just went away.


Everything's just piling up, and the only source of relief I have is twitter and this blog. And my writing, but I'm so embarrassed because it's been that long since I last wrote anything like a poem or snippet of a story, and I feel ashamed to even think of myself as a somewhat-not-quite-there writer, because I've become so rusty.

And something's been bothering me lately, something that I can't identify. I don't know what it is, it's just that something's been weighing down on my mind a lot, and I don't know what it is. I just know that something's going to happen. I can feel it. Something is going to change.

And I want to talk to someone, anyone. I talk to Tish and Jo, but I know they've got their own problems to deal with too, and I don't want to be a burden to anyone else. I mean, these are my problems. I should deal with them on my own, no?

I know who I feel like talking to, right now. But things are still weird, and I don't want to do anything that could lead to something else that's weird again. Half the time, I don't even know what's going on, and I'm too tired and out of it to actually pay attention. It's so stupid of me to want to see that name on my phone's screen, and yet dread it too because I don't know what to do.

And I'm being increasingly pressurised to leave. I don't want to, because this means a lot to me. If I leave, I actually worry that I might kill myself because I'll feel so lost and helpless. But with all this that's going on.... I don't know. I just don't know. I don't want to, but I might have no choice but to leave and cry when I'm sure that no one's watching.

And I'm feeling so lost and emotional. Actually tearing up now. What the actual fuck? No, I don't know why I'm crying. And I'm just gonna bottle everything up again, like the only way I know how to cope with everything.


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