Epiphany - Jack
I'm sitting here and trying my best to think, and really now I wouldn't normally be typing on the blog any more after Tumblr, but the truth is that I get way too distracted by all the cool shit that I see on Tumblr - for example, I just wasted about half an hour on Tumblr.
Damn it all.
Well, I wanted to think. And thinking usually helps when I leave something alone so an answer usually presents itself to me in due time. But tonight I need to ask myself whatever I can about this, it's important that I know what I'm doing.
I needed to think about Jack. If you know who he is, if you know how the name came about... Good for you. If you don't... You can still ask me, if you like.
What do I like about Jack?
I like his eyes, his smile, the way he cracks stupid jokes, yet he's not exactly stupid, just lame sometimes.
I like how he's taller than me, and I like how he seems sort of shy.
I like how he seems to be more than what I see, I don't know how that makes sense.
It just feels like there's still so much I could learn about someone like him, what he likes and dislikes, what his thoughts and opinions are on certain topics.
I feel like he's a puzzle waiting to be solved, like a story waiting to be told.
I feel like there could be so much more.
What DON'T I like about Jack?
I don't like how his English doesn't seem to be all that good. I'm sorry to be mean, especially since I know my English isn't perfect either, but his grammar and sentences... They sometimes get on my nerves a bit. He's a nice guy, and I genuinely like texting him, but sorry when Grammar Nazi Nat pokes her head out for a quick breather and rant.
I don't like how he doesn't text all that often. I'm not saying that he needs to text ALL THE DAMN TIME, but sometimes he just doesn't text. And I don't know what to do because I'm the sort of person who gets annoyed if you're texting me ALL THE DAMN TIME and giving me no space to breathe, but I like it when people can drop me a random text for no particular reason except to just say hi.
I don't like how he seems to be playing games. I don't know where I stand, and that's something I very much dislike because it brings back bad memories of when I basically meant nothing to people I cared about, and that wasn't fun at all.
I don't like how he doesn't seem to know how to talk to me when I'm upset. It makes me wonder if he's someone I can only go to when I'm cheerful. What happens when I'm upset then? He heads for the hills and I run to someone else who knows how to talk to me? I'm not a cheerful person by nature, and I know it. I think too much, brood way too much, and I know I'm not quite sane. So what's going to happen every time Fucked! Nat makes her appearance? Does Jack run or stay?
I don't like how I still don't know so much about him. I know he doesn't know a lot about me, too, but sometimes I wonder what he's really like. Is he the what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of guy, or how many layers does he have under the surface? I mean, is he fucked, like me? Or is he just an ordinary schoolboy? Is he mature or childish? Who knows? Most importantly, is he a Potterhead? (Yes, this is extremely important to me)
What am I hoping to get with this?
Honestly speaking? I want someone I can look forward to. I'm friends with him, or at least as close to friends as you can get by texting slightly-more-often-than-average and going out for aslightly kind of awkward dinner and morning coffee.
I won't lie, I like him.
But I'm content to be friends for now, I'm happy being friends because internship is already enough for me and I want to do well for this, it means so much to me.
On one hand, I feel as though I genuinely like him.
On the other hand, I worry that I might be getting into this only because I'm lonely and might try to force something that isn't going to work out. I'm scared that I might be doing this only because I'm desperate or something.
So...
Friends. Definitely staying friends. Maybe it'll work out to become something more, maybe it won't.
If things work out, yay, but I want to know more about him first. He intrigues me for some reason that I can't work out just yet. He's so bloody SINGAPOREAN that I can't stand it at times, but I'm sure glad that he's not trying to put on some stupid fake accent just because of how I talk. Thank kami!
If things don't work out, at least I still have a friend.
*******************************
And that concludes the quick reflection session that I needed to have after a talk with Tish. I know I sometimes feel scared that I'll never be in a relationship before I turn 20, but I need to remember why I never got into a relationship in the first place (well, I tried, but it never seemed to work out). It's because I'm still patiently waiting for the right guy. And the right guy will show up eventually, and he won't be perfect, but he'll be perfect enough for me. And he'll know all the bits of me - the cheerful bits, the fucked up bits, the depressed and suicidal and emotional bits, the scared bits, the goth bits, the bits that cry at night when no one's around, the childishly innocent bits, the mature bits and the trying-to-be-tough bits. And he won't run away. He'll stay for me, and I'll stay for him.
Who knows if Jack's the guy or not? All I'm saying is that it doesn't matter because maybe he is and maybe he isn't. I'm just happy to have a friend right now. And I won't force anything, because if I do then everything's lost.
Damn it all.
Well, I wanted to think. And thinking usually helps when I leave something alone so an answer usually presents itself to me in due time. But tonight I need to ask myself whatever I can about this, it's important that I know what I'm doing.
I needed to think about Jack. If you know who he is, if you know how the name came about... Good for you. If you don't... You can still ask me, if you like.
What do I like about Jack?
I like his eyes, his smile, the way he cracks stupid jokes, yet he's not exactly stupid, just lame sometimes.
I like how he's taller than me, and I like how he seems sort of shy.
I like how he seems to be more than what I see, I don't know how that makes sense.
It just feels like there's still so much I could learn about someone like him, what he likes and dislikes, what his thoughts and opinions are on certain topics.
I feel like he's a puzzle waiting to be solved, like a story waiting to be told.
I feel like there could be so much more.
What DON'T I like about Jack?
I don't like how his English doesn't seem to be all that good. I'm sorry to be mean, especially since I know my English isn't perfect either, but his grammar and sentences... They sometimes get on my nerves a bit. He's a nice guy, and I genuinely like texting him, but sorry when Grammar Nazi Nat pokes her head out for a quick breather and rant.
I don't like how he doesn't text all that often. I'm not saying that he needs to text ALL THE DAMN TIME, but sometimes he just doesn't text. And I don't know what to do because I'm the sort of person who gets annoyed if you're texting me ALL THE DAMN TIME and giving me no space to breathe, but I like it when people can drop me a random text for no particular reason except to just say hi.
I don't like how he seems to be playing games. I don't know where I stand, and that's something I very much dislike because it brings back bad memories of when I basically meant nothing to people I cared about, and that wasn't fun at all.
I don't like how he doesn't seem to know how to talk to me when I'm upset. It makes me wonder if he's someone I can only go to when I'm cheerful. What happens when I'm upset then? He heads for the hills and I run to someone else who knows how to talk to me? I'm not a cheerful person by nature, and I know it. I think too much, brood way too much, and I know I'm not quite sane. So what's going to happen every time Fucked! Nat makes her appearance? Does Jack run or stay?
I don't like how I still don't know so much about him. I know he doesn't know a lot about me, too, but sometimes I wonder what he's really like. Is he the what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of guy, or how many layers does he have under the surface? I mean, is he fucked, like me? Or is he just an ordinary schoolboy? Is he mature or childish? Who knows? Most importantly, is he a Potterhead? (Yes, this is extremely important to me)
What am I hoping to get with this?
Honestly speaking? I want someone I can look forward to. I'm friends with him, or at least as close to friends as you can get by texting slightly-more-often-than-average and going out for a
I won't lie, I like him.
But I'm content to be friends for now, I'm happy being friends because internship is already enough for me and I want to do well for this, it means so much to me.
On one hand, I feel as though I genuinely like him.
On the other hand, I worry that I might be getting into this only because I'm lonely and might try to force something that isn't going to work out. I'm scared that I might be doing this only because I'm desperate or something.
So...
Friends. Definitely staying friends. Maybe it'll work out to become something more, maybe it won't.
If things work out, yay, but I want to know more about him first. He intrigues me for some reason that I can't work out just yet. He's so bloody SINGAPOREAN that I can't stand it at times, but I'm sure glad that he's not trying to put on some stupid fake accent just because of how I talk. Thank kami!
If things don't work out, at least I still have a friend.
*******************************
And that concludes the quick reflection session that I needed to have after a talk with Tish. I know I sometimes feel scared that I'll never be in a relationship before I turn 20, but I need to remember why I never got into a relationship in the first place (well, I tried, but it never seemed to work out). It's because I'm still patiently waiting for the right guy. And the right guy will show up eventually, and he won't be perfect, but he'll be perfect enough for me. And he'll know all the bits of me - the cheerful bits, the fucked up bits, the depressed and suicidal and emotional bits, the scared bits, the goth bits, the bits that cry at night when no one's around, the childishly innocent bits, the mature bits and the trying-to-be-tough bits. And he won't run away. He'll stay for me, and I'll stay for him.
Who knows if Jack's the guy or not? All I'm saying is that it doesn't matter because maybe he is and maybe he isn't. I'm just happy to have a friend right now. And I won't force anything, because if I do then everything's lost.
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