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I'm tired, so tired. When I woke up this morning I seriously considered faking illness and taking an MC and a day off - given how raspy my voice was (and still is, this is what happens when you're using nail polish remover and accidentally inhale quite a bit of the stuff because you make stupid decisions at night) I wouldn't have too much of a problem doing that, if I could tune out my aunt's incessant nagging about how I wasn't making any money by missing a day of work.

But here I am, having dragged my sorry ass and tired legs (ladies, if you want a good workout without having to break a sweat, wear heels or wedges for the whole day. Seriously, wear any pair of shoes with at least 3 inches of height for the whole day, they'll help tone your legs some) to work. Here I am, sitting in front of the computer fighting sleep and wanting nothing more than to sleep the world away.

Things between M and I are okay, I suppose – hope she’s doing okay on her first day, I know she was really nervous.

Aoi-kun... I don't know. I honestly don't know, and I'm scared to death even though I think I'm mostly scared because of the realisation that holy shit, I'm actually scared of this. Get what I mean? It's the feeling that I'm scared, and then realising that I'm scared, and then feeling even more scared because I keep telling myself I shouldn't be feeling this way, it's too soon, too weird, and I'm only setting myself up for disaster.

Grandmother – I’m still worried. She seemed so much better yesterday, but the thing I’ve learned about my grandmother’s health is that it’s completely unpredictable. She can seem like she’s recovering today and yet seem on the brink of death for all we know tomorrow.

The doctor says she’s a fighter, though. Damn right she is.

The funny thing about imminent death, however, is how it always brings together people whom you may or may not want to see. Case in point: I saw my second and third aunt, both of whom I haven’t seen in almost a decade.

I won't go into details, but all you need to know is that my mum is the youngest of four sisters, and a big family feud resulted in her and my oldest aunt cutting ties with my second and third aunt... Which also means that I haven't seen my third or second aunt, or my cousin who's my second aunt's daughter. Making sense so far?

So to sum things up: My mum and my oldest aunt are on one side, my second and third aunt are on the other. I don’t know if they actually kept contact with each other, though.

My mum says that my generation of the family (which would mean my cousins and I) shouldn’t be involved in this feud, but I personally think it’s too late to even think about spouting that kind of crap now. Whether my cousins or I should be involved in this is irrelevant when your second and third aunt walk past you as though you don’t exist anymore.

What hurts is that they both used to be my favourite aunts, my third aunt especially – she knew I loved books, and would always get me either a book of my choice or a book voucher every year for my birthday and Christmas. It was a horrible mixture of hate and anger and nostalgia when I saw her again, made even worse when she tried to talk to me to fill the tense silence.

I really don’t want to say any more about the family’s problems because it’s too difficult, too personal, and it’s tough enough to try telling my friends about this because I honestly don’t know how to describe how confusing it felt to know at 10 years old that we weren’t going to visit my second or  third aunts anymore for reasons unknown, or how quiet each Chinese New Year became, or how reunion dinners never really felt like reunions anymore because it was always the same crowd that I saw almost every weekend. My family felt small enough to begin with (I never knew my relatives on my father’s side, again because of tensions), and then it became even smaller and quieter.

Nah, it’s easier to just focus on worrying about my grandmother – I don’t know how to speak Cantonese, and she doesn’t speak in Mandarin to me like she used to when I was a child, but she’s still my grandmother.

We (that would mean my parents, aunt, cousin and I) visited her yesterday, and when my cousin and I were left alone in the ward with her, she gestured to our hands. Apparently she wanted to hold our hands, and when she held my hands I felt this sudden rush of emotion. She used to hold my hands when I was a child, she used to carry me... and now she was holding the hands of an older me. I wondered then what she was thinking about.

It wasn’t until I watched my grandmother holding my cousin’s hands that I wondered if she’d asked to hold our hands because she knew it could possibly be the last time. Maybe it was her way of saying thank you, thank you for growing up, thank you for still being here, thank you and goodbye.

My cousin and I didn’t talk about that incident – it was private for the both of us for reasons we didn’t want to share.

I’m still scared, but at least I know what it was like to hold my grandmother’s hand again.