For we must all learn to howl.

Can't believe I'm quoting a fic, let alone a Xiuhan fic, but hey, I've been taking quotes and phrases from fics since I was in secondary school anyway. You make sure you get up... And you make sure you run.

Because I need somewhere to put this GIF - it was a present of sorts from Peiyu because she seems to be under the impression that sexy eye-fucking Xiumin would make for a good birthday present. She doesn't need to know how right she is. I mean, just LOOK at him. Eating that chocolate and staring you right in the eye like he's all that. Because he totally isn't, and that totally isn't hot. It's not hot at all. #liesitellmyself I'm way more appreciative of this GIF than I should be, really...

Yesterday I awoke to the realisation that I wasn't nineteen anymore. Funny little things, birthdays - they creep up on you and you think you're prepared to face them, you get excited waiting for them and all but when it comes to the day itself you wake up and the only thought that crosses your mind is "Oh. I'm not nineteen anymore." So. I'm now twenty, and everything's just as it always is, which is a relief because it's just a birthday really, nothing special pleasedon'tmakeafussofthings  because then things will get awkward and I've always hated when people made a huge fuss of my birthday anyway, it always felt like yes it was a special day but it's really not that special, the world keeps turning and it's only a day anyway so please just carry on. Anyway! I hadn't planned anything for my birthday at all except to maybe head home after work to have dinner with my parents and then maybe watch a movie or something but then gu...

I'm trying to write a short scribble, but I'm procrastinating so much sigh...  I've got to at least come close to finishing this by the end of the week, no excuses. In case you were curious about its theme.

It's getting easier to breathe without you around. The fact of you getting bored of me still stings, but the hurt isn't as bloodily raw as it was. Baby steps, Nat. It's a long way away, but you'll get there. Baby steps and Japanese confidence. I will recover from you.

I wish he were here. Before everything, before we stopped being friends, he was the closest I had to a guy best friend, and now that I look back at things maybe even a little more than that. Before everything... He made me feel safe. He'd text just about every day, and we chat about everything and nothing, things that only stupid teenagers talked about.  He always knew when I was feeling upset, and he always texted to make sure I was okay - and if I wasn't okay and didn't want to tell him why, he sometimes tried to bully me into telling. If I didn't, it was okay too. He sometimes made me feel like I was the childish one, but he never sounded condescending about it.  He used to be the last one I texted goodnight, and the first text I'd see in the mornings. Like I said, we were stupid teenagers... And that was probably the closest I've ever gotten to experiencing something that could have been. I miss him. And it's at time like these that I really wish he were...

No one has anything to do in the office so I'm watching YouTube videos on my phone (this laptop can't play music or videos for shit). Felt like re-listening to old DBSK songs so I pulled up a fan playlist and... This video came up. I can never call myself a huge fan of DBSK, but they were and always will be the only kpop group I fully support.  They were the only ones I cared about enough to search for live videos, compare performances and talk to other fans, read up on and try to understand their history.  Perhaps I was so accepting of them and their music because they sang Japanese as well as Korean songs (the main reason why I'm not a supporter of Kpop groups is because I don't feel comfortable with Korean - I've never been as comfortable with it as I've always been with Japanese), and was a lot easier to accept that they weren't a Korean-songs-only group. Their music was a huge factor too - I loved the varying styles of their music and h...

Because at the end of the day, everyone returns to their friends and family, and everyone has somewhere they belong in this place. And me? I return to my room, my solace and solitude, my haven and prison, the one place where I feel both accepted and lonely. Those who surround me here know only to listen and offer mute comfort that I have long outgrown. It is company I crave, though I know not whose... And it is not long before the walls that have supported me - heard my rants and tears and laughter - start to feel suffocating. Simply put, I feel trapped. Trapped by my thoughts, by the overwhelming loneliness that continues to smother me, reminding me of that which I try so desperately to forget. And though I play my music as loud as I possibly can, though I make sure to laugh as much as I can during these precious few hours when I can do anything I want and forget the shadows lurking just behind me, they never go away. I try to push them away, to tell them as boldly as I ca...

So we did it - after going to cosplay convention after cosplay convention and feeling jealous of admiring all the cosplayers who were brave enough to show their appreciation for their favourite anime/manga/game characters in public, Kira and I finally decided to try cosplaying on our own. Why not, right? It was a lot more difficult than we expected, to be honest - she went as Erza from Fairy Tail and I as Misa from Death Note. Erza from Fairy Tail. Misa from Death Note. The costumes were easy enough, but it was more difficult than expected to put everything together - for Kira, she had to rush to prepare her costume details while I struggled with makeup and accessories. Both of us had trouble with our wigs - we'd never even tried wearing one before and as such, we had quite a bit of fun (amid much swearing) trying to wear and tame our wigs to make them look more natural. The end result - tadaa! The funny thing about cosplay is that it always looks so...

I can't believe I only saw this video like NOW. In case you want to check it out, it's a dance cover of Girls by Shoose, Moz and Otomen. I'm freaking out because I like Shoose's voice (he's an utaite, please go read up about him, he's really cool) and I've always been curious to see what he actually looks like. I mean, this is the guy whom everyone says sounds like Levi-heichou when singing, so... Hey, I wasn't disappointed at all. I think I follow Shoose on Nico Nico Douga, but then again I rarely go up onto that website because it's quite a hassle to have to navigate something similar to the Japanese version of YouTube. And so I don't know what Shoose is like, or how he talks let alone how he looks - all I have are his song covers and that's it. But he's a good dancer, and hell he's pretty good-looking! I'm happy ^^ Now if you don't mind, I have to watch this video another 86 times before I can count myself ...

I'm so sorry, I know I haven't been updating this blog at all . Thing is, I've been pretty busy ever since we came back and now there's work and everything so I can't just sit down and hack out a piece like I so want to. And the office computer's so slow that even this post (which I'm typing in the office) is taking just about forever to load. Upcoming events: I'm going to this cosfest with Kira this weekend - got everything planned out, putting everything together now before our costest on Saturday (the event is on Sunday, do you see how rushed everything is?). I'm going as Misa from Death Note (whee!) and she's going as Erza from Fairy Tail - hope everything works out. I'll be posting pictures and blogging about it (well maybe more pictures than text actually) so for now that super-long post about the month-long Japan trip is going to have to wait. Besides, I have approximately 2000 photos from the trip to sort and edit, and I'm mor...

We've returned the cars, and now we're heading to the airport to check in and rest before our flight to Haneda Airport at 9pm. From there we'll take another flight back to Singapore. It's official - we're going home. And I feel like crying, everything in me just wants to stay here in this beautiful place where I actually feel like I belong .

Well, it's the last day we have here in Hokkaido. How best can I explain the fact that I quite simply don't want to leave?  I'm going back for my mum and my friends,  but if not for them I'd be more than happy to just stay here,  maybe permanently.  I don't have too much to say here because my emotions are all over the place today and I'm literally this close to just breaking down,  so I'll leave the long post for when I get home. For now my thoughts are simple: I don't want to go.

We're all nothing but dust drifting in the wind, and when it really comes down to it aren't we all just alone together? 

I've realised I like how I am in Hokkaido now. I'm content, or as close to content as I can get. The demons scream a lot louder here and it's a lot tougher to tell them to fuck off, because my mind isn't so cluttered by the fuss of everyday life like it is at home, but I like how I am here - I'm more open to just talking to anyone , and I'm running all over the place taking photos and recovering lost memories.  I'm still pretty far from happy , but I think this semi-contentment is close enough to anything for now.