Desperate

I'm 18 years old, and I've been single for all my life. I've always been cool with it too. I've always told myself that it's perfectly fine to wait for the right guy to come along and take his place in my heart, that it's fine to not be bothered with being a part of a relationship. That's I don't need to rush into anything because the right guy will come along at the right time.

"You don't have a boyfriend?!?!?!"
It's amazing how one little sentence can release all the self-doubt that's been locked away for 18 long years.

For some reason, this sentence bothered me so much during the whole of today. I couldn't figure out why, but I was so bothered by it, pondering over why I wasn't even in a relationship and why that bothered me so much all of a sudden.

I talked to my mum about this, and was quickly reminded of why I never told her anything too personal in the first place - she told me that I was so bothered about it because I just wanted to have a boyfriend because everyone around me was. I sounded so desperate according to her.

I asked a good friend of mine if I came off as desperate for a relationship to others, and he gave me a flat-out NO as an answer. According to him, the reason why I was so bothered about it was because everyone seemed to be happy while in relationships, and all I really wanted to was be happy.

I have friends who constantly tell me that I'm pretty, smart, fun to be around, yada yada. The thing is, I always find it extremely difficult to believe such compliments, because there'll always be this voice in my head that bursts out in sarcastic laughter and tells me that I should know better than to believe such lies. It then lists down all the reasons why such words are never true. That one little sentence typed out in italics up there just reminded me of all those reasons again. This time, they were all reasons why I could never, and would never, be in a relationship.

Too fat, too ugly and too short, to name a few of the reasons.

I'm gonna end this post right here now. It's supposed to be a LOT longer, because I had a lot to say about this (I was really that hurt about it that I was fighting back tears, oh god), but I've actually vented most of my anger and hurt confusion out via text, so I don't have anything to say about this right now. Maybe I'll rewrite this post and make it longer (and more detailed) some other day, but for now... I'm exhausted.

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