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So, I'm 21.

I can't tell you how it feels, because truth be told I'm still fighting the rising wave of terror I've felt come and go since June 1st - today has felt like a time bomb all through the month, with me looking forward to and yet dreading it with every fibre of my being.

I have my reason for this fear, but I'm not sure I want to share it up here. Right now I'm just trying to remind myself over and over again that it's already my birthday, the midnight hour has passed and I'm already 21 and nothing is going to change that except for my turning 22 next year.

It's a lot harder to accept than I thought - this stray tendril of thought keeps repeating itself in my head like a mantra: I was not supposed to reach this point. I am not supposed to be here.

 I'm not going to elaborate on that here - I have enough of dealing with it in my head than to try wrestling with it on a laptop screen.

Everyone's been asking me what I want for my birthday, and I don't know what to tell them because I don't have an answer. I don't know what I want for my birthday. I don't know what I'd like for you to get for me, to do for me. I don't know where I want to eat for my birthday because well, refer to the first few paragaphs - it's a little difficult to think of anything else when that's all you can think of at every moment of the day (and night).

I always tell them that anything goes, and that I really just want to spend time with those who are important to me - that's the truth. What's the more personal truth is that I do know what I want for my 21st birthday, but it's something that I won't tell anyone because it's so selfish even I can't stand to say it out.

So there's that - my birthday, and I'm just glad that I managed to complete the bulk of my assignments for now. Plus my friends have been really sweet with wishing me and all, and this is more than enough for me - those who're important to me care, and that's all that matters.

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