For we must all learn to howl.

Every song makes me think of him and I can't stop thinking - why did it have to happen this way, why did he just forget me just like that , why why why. There's an answer, of course, though it hurts even more to consider exactly how possible the answer is.  I'm in hell, and I put myself here, and I have no idea how to get out. I want answers and I want closure, but at the same time I just want to keep floating in this personal purgatory of mine.  Because purgatory is what it is - I'm nowhere, suspended between wanting to cry it all out and just feel , and wanting to cut my heart out so everything can stop bleeding. It feels like there's a raw, gaping wound in my chest and I can barely function. It's a good thing of sorts that I'm not at home right now, because I'm kept busy taking pictures and being forced to socialize with the rest of the group. If I were at home right now... Well, the demons make their home there too, and they're most c...

Well, this post has been long overdue now hasn't it? I've been in Hokkaido for about five days now, and I'm more than slightly ashamed for being so doggone tired (and maybe lazy too) to gather some energy and hack out a satisfactory post about this place that I love so much.  Which is why I'm hacking away at my phone now. Full blessings from my dad, too - he doesn't need me to watch the GPS like I usually do to let him know where to turn, where to go because it's a mountainous road right now, and these roads are pretty straightforward. Just keep driving straight and try not to drop off the side of the mountain.  Digressions aside, I'm finally in Hokkaido. It's funny really, I thought I'd be in tears when I arrived at Narita airport almost a month ago, simply because of the fact that I was finally in Japan, the country I loved so much besides my own.  No tears. Not even a sniffle.  The whole time I was in mainland Japan, I thought there was something ...

Been meaning to blog about Hokkaido ever since we stepped into Hakodate yesterday (I have a lot of feelings and emotional attachment to Hokkaido, if you haven't already guessed), but I've literally been so bloody tired, and I'm incredibly pissed off at my dad because I'd been planning to churn out a good blogpost tonight, only for him to come and ask me to write a caption for a picture of a mountain that he took, and I don't usually like doing these when I'm this tired because the amount of research I put in to one caption usually leaves me unwilling to type any more, much less a satisfactory blogpost.  Long story short, he somehow managed to confuse a cape with a mountain, and I'm pissed off as hell because who the fuck even mixes these bloody things up  and now I've wasted both time and effort on something that I'm going to have to do again.  So chances are I'm going to have to push this blogpost further down the pipes for another night (hopefu...

Sitting here in the hotel room, quietly blogging and sorting my thoughts out as best as I can. As usual, my thoughts turn to you - it's not fair really, you were just supposed to be an online friend and nothing else... So tell me why I keep thinking about you. Stupid you. Stupid you and your stupid bad English and spelling and your stupid taste in music and stupid conspiracy theories. Stupid you with your sweet words and stupid me for actually believing them, for believing you when you said that you never talked this way to anyone else, that this could be "something good". I'm in Japan now, and I keep thinking about how it could have been if you'd have gone to Japan too. Your accent would have been atrocious as always but pretty funny really. I wanted to think about how amazing it could be to be with someone "good" in a country I loved. I wanted to share everything I loved about the country and culture with you because I thought maybe you loved the cultu...

I feel like I'm going insane. Cooped up with the asshole for another what, 18 days? I've been bottling so much up that I don't know if I can go on with it. The worst part of things is that I can't go off on my own (to take a walk, breathe, cry, anything  to get some tension out) because he obviously doesn't trust me to take care of myself even in a country that I know better than him.  He's making me hate Japan. I really didn't want to say this, but it's like he's spreading some kind of taint all over this country that I love - the way he looks at everything I hold dear to me about this country and its culture with such indifference. I'm tired of having to leave my emotional switch on at "Cheerful" all the time just so he doesn't say that I have an attitude problem, I'm tired of having to cater to his decisions (like when he said he wanted to eat at a fried pork restaurant when I said VERY CLEARLY that I hated fried food) and I...

I hate politics. Have I ever mentioned that? It's an intriguing game, but it's still one I detest. Every move you make has to be calculated with the utmost precision for fear you give the other party some kind of an advantage over yourself. From the words you say to the tone of your voice, everything and anything has to be treated as a potential opportunity for either you or your opponent to seize should you need to. It's just like a huge game of chess, and the stakes may vary but the motive is always the same. To win. Isn't that what everyone wants? To emerge victorious from whatever battle they think they're in? ~ ...I digress, but I haven't shared how much I love talking to strangers. It's an irony against the age-old rule: Don't talk to strangers . But it's so easy to talk to someone you don't even know, for the simple reason that they don't know who you are, don't have some preconceived notion of how you're going to t...

Apparently I don't know how to smile anymore.  I only realised it this morning when I took a selfie with the group's guide (he was leaving for Tokyo to lead another group while we were to follow his senior, so we tried to give him a good farewell of sorts and took some group pictures) because I may or may not think he's kind of cute, ahaha. Grabbing the shot, I felt pretty satisfied with it until I looked at it a little more closely.  Every flaw in the picture was obvious to me - my eyes were misshapen, my smile too wide, my hair too messy... What the hell?!  I usually make sure I look at least halfway decent in photos (and especially selfies) but this was so off for some reason I couldn't identify. The previous few photos that dad had taken with me in them looked really bad, too, and I'd just chalked it up to me being naturally ugly. However, this looked so different - it was like I'd forgotten how to smile altogether.  What the hell..?