Japan Day 11 - Long Post

I hate politics. Have I ever mentioned that? It's an intriguing game, but it's still one I detest. Every move you make has to be calculated with the utmost precision for fear you give the other party some kind of an advantage over yourself. From the words you say to the tone of your voice, everything and anything has to be treated as a potential opportunity for either you or your opponent to seize should you need to. It's just like a huge game of chess, and the stakes may vary but the motive is always the same.

To win. Isn't that what everyone wants? To emerge victorious from whatever battle they think they're in?

~

...I digress, but I haven't shared how much I love talking to strangers. It's an irony against the age-old rule: Don't talk to strangers. But it's so easy to talk to someone you don't even know, for the simple reason that they don't know who you are, don't have some preconceived notion of how you're going to talk or act and that leaves you with the realization that you can be absolutely anyone you want to be. It's a heady feeling: you can be cheerful and not have to worry if the other party thinks you're being fake, you can be as depressing as you are and the other party can't or won't call you out for being emo. You can talk about any topic under the sun and you can be called weird, but there's no bite because the other person simply doesn't know if you're like this on a normal basis or not. Get my meaning? 

I love how talking to someone you don't know becomes so easy after a while - I can literally talk to anyone because I don't have any obligation to act in any way towards them. Plus, every person is their own story, and I absolutely love that, I love how I can get a story every time I talk to someone. 

I know, I know... I'm rambling again. But I don't really know what to say - I want to document my month in Japan as closely as possible but I'm so fucking tired, and truthfully who really gives a damn about the posts here?

~

Someone whom I'm not close to (we've never even met) actually had the audacity to ask me to buy food back for him, and even went as far as to tell me to keep him informed of the places I'd be visiting and when I'd be back so he could do his research and tell me what to buy back for him because he'd pay me, apparently. 

I'll buy him a cactus. 

This kind of thing shouldn't faze me because I literally am one of the chillest people you'll meet, but it does because firstly I don't even know you, and secondly who the fuck said I'd buy anything back for you? I'm not on this trip just to buy stuff for others (fuck all of that!) and even if I do it'll be because I want to, and because they'll be people close to me (see point 1). I'm not angry, but I am indeed annoyed. 

~

Milk's busy with work, Aoi-kun's forgotten about me and is probably chasing some girl in the UK, and I'm feeling more alone than ever. I know I always talk about loneliness this and loneliness that, but it's literally how I feel all the time. Lonely. Being an only child means that yes, I know how to fend for myself and I know how to take care of myself should anything happen, but it also leaves you with a gaping hole that can never be completely filled. Even if you were to surround yourself with your closest friends, the feeling never quite goes away - it just lessens a little bit. You can talk to others, write your feelings down, scream them out... Nothing works, they just lessen the feelings a little. 

There's just that feeling of nothing to look forward to: Mum's at home and I'm not close to my dad, my friends are miles away and it really isn't the same as being able to see them and hug them, and the one person who seemed to make this trip worthwhile (yes I'm talking about that kinda-cute tour leader who left for Tokyo) is gone.

...I'm going to stop talking about all these redundant feelings, they don't lead to anything. 

~

About Aoi-kun... It was all bullshit. All that "maybe this could be something good", all that "I'm really hopeful this could work out, I'm just a guy who happens to like you too", all that "you're a lot more kawaii than I thought, I could listen to you speak Japanese all day". All that was bullshit, and I fell for it all. What kind of "something good" leaves you ignoring the other party for a month? I've said it before and I'll say it many times over - you can always be tied up with something or other or caught up in a bad situation, but nothing will stop you from sending at least a text to someone even just to say "hi, I won't be around for the next couple of days, I'll be really busy, I'm sorry" if you're as interested in that person as you pretend to be. There's chat, there's Facebook, hell there's Skype if you want to take things far enough. 

All bullshit. All lies, and all me being the fool. 

~

So ends this entry for day 11. I don't really want to blog about the places I visit and the things I do because you can see most of it on Instagram and Facebook, so these are my thoughts, the ghosts swirling around in my head while I'm in a car for about 4 hours a day.

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