Journal #4 - Puppy Love/Moving On

Your heart starts pounding in your chest, so loud and hard that you think it can be heard by all those around you. The butterflies in your stomach flutter about in frenzied hysteria, making you feel slightly uneasy and lightheaded. You can’t think, either – the only thing running through your mind is an endless cycle of “Oh. My. God. Oh. My. God.”

The amazing thing is that all this can be caused by one single person. And this person isn’t some celebrity or prominent figure – to the world, he is insignificant, but to you, this person is the world.

Sound familiar? This is basically what happens when you have a crush on someone. It’s a truly bittersweet feeling, to have a crush on someone.

Why bittersweet? Well, when you have a crush on someone, your every thought is about him. You try to look your best, just in case you should happen to run into him. When your friends ask or tease you about him, you feel embarrassed, but for some reason you simply can’t wipe that silly, love-addled grin off your face. And when you actually see him and he says hello to you… There isn’t a better feeling in the world. That’s the sweet part of crushing on someone.

As for the bitter part, well, that’s pretty much how you feel when you find out that your crush has been dating someone for a while now. And then you feel so empty, so cold, as though a part of you has just died and withered away. You then start torturing yourself with all the memories of him laughing with you, talking to you, smiling at you, and hurt yourself even further by telling yourself that all those memories you hold so close to your heart mean absolutely nothing to him. It’s cliché, but this is why it’s called a “crush” – because it’s how you feel when you realize that you never actually stood a chance with him.

When I was in secondary school, my mother would scoff at me when I told her that I had a crush on a certain boy. “It’s just puppy love,” she’d say, before proceeding to give me several other pieces of advice.

“It’s not going to last long.”

“It’s not as if you actually love him.”

And my personal favourite: “You should be focusing on your studies more instead of this nonsense.”

Well, ouch. True, if I were to look at things from the viewpoint of a woman who had been married for 21 years and counting, I may not have actually “loved” him. It doesn’t change the fact that whatever feelings I had for him were genuine, though – so genuine that when I realized said boy was attached, it literally felt as though my world was falling to pieces before my very eyes. Sounds overdramatic, doesn’t it? The stuff of soap operas for sure.

And when I told my mother as casually as I could that my crush had a girlfriend, with my head slightly turned away so she wouldn’t see my eyes, red and puffy from crying, all she said was, “Well, everyone has to grow up. What’s the big deal about him having a girlfriend?”

Harsh reality isn’t it, but it’s the truth. After you’ve had your heart completely shattered, it’s time to pick up the pieces and slowly move on. It’s a slow, painful, arduous process, but one that needs to be done. There will be days when you feel like things are starting to look up, and that you could possibly move on given time, but there will also be days when all you want to do is curl up into a ball and weep.

I’d like to end this journal with a poem that I wrote, titled “Reflections”.

Ask and you shall receive.

Is that not what is said?

I’d asked my question,

and I’d waited for my answer.

I guess, now…

I have no choice.

I was expecting this day to come,

and yet…

And yet, I am unprepared.

I was unprepared for the knife

that stabbed through my heart,

For the dagger that twisted so

and shattered me inside.

I thought I would be fine,

until I glanced at the photos of you.

No one could have controlled

the tears that fell unbidden

from my eyes,

as I drank in the sight of you and her

so happy, so content.

So in love.

The wolf whispered that I didn’t deserve him,

but those words filled my heart with pain.

How can I erase someone who has

been all that I thought of for four years now?