For we must all learn to howl.

When I'm craving celery for lunch but all I get is oily rice and soggy vegetables. I am not a happy camper. I want celery so bad it hurts... Need to get some tomorrow for lunch or something oh my god. I hardly spazz this much over food but dammit celery is important to me - I feel less fat after eating it.

"It's a me thing. I hurt people without realizing it. And sometimes when I do... I hurt them even more."

what is this was that ultraman was that godzilla hey cool it's the glasses guy from jurassic park wait no he's thinner and kind of nerdy but cool hey that looks like creepy thin man wasn't that the dragon-like creature from avatar it's like power rangers and transformers had sex and made this movie and while we're on the subject of cool pictures here's one of my favourite iron man poses but seriously  what is going on

Oh my goodness. I saw these on Tumblr and gasped . They're literally the most beautiful dresses I have ever seen - simple yet elegant. And they have that old-fashioned feel about them that I long for. I don't usually do dresses, but these are beautiful . Imagine - writing letters, somewhere in the country, a small town, cafe, books, possibly meeting someone. The romantic in me is sobbing.

Today: NetJourn blog  DONE ALL DONE HALLELUJAH SP stories AdvJ research MedLaw notes Chores (groan!) I really need to get motivated this sem, it's all I have left. Subjects taken this semester: Advanced Journalism (Whoohoo! But nervous all the same because WHAT IF I SUCK) Intellectual Property, Media Law and Ethics (This alternates between being incredibly interesting and boring as fuck) Internet Journalism (I started out half-hoping this was to be some social media thing nooooooooooooope ) Magazine Editing (This is where I start praying to whatever InDesign gods up there to be nice to me) So yep. Only 4 subjects this semester not including the usual APEL class, but even then it's promising to be a pretty packed semester. It's the last lap, and I'm determined to do my best. Let the semestral Games begin.

That moment when you realise that: You're a media student. And you're in your final year. And you're taking the advanced journalism module in your course. And you can't even come up with a stupid URL for the blog you need to set up for the NetJourn subject. Seriously half-considering naming it something like lollipop-says-hi or something because I am that  idea-blocked at the moment. Groooooooar.

Sometimes I feel like I could be Effy. I could be fucked up but beautiful and mysterious and clever. And perhaps people could be fascinated by me like how Effy's such an amazingly fascinating person. But then I look beside me and think. No. She's the Effy. And I'm just Pandora, aren't I? And this isn't some jealousy thing, nor is it some comparison between her and I, like I wish I could be her and all. I don't - I'm happy being little old broken me. I really am. I just feel people around look at her as the Effy and me as the Pandora. And I wonder why. I love her, but I see the comparison in people's eyes all the time. It kind of hurts sometimes, but I'm not complaining. She's mean and bitchy and sometimes I really feel like we can't stand each other... But I'm learning to realise that that's what family is like.

I wish I had a Windows laptop that had the battery lifespan of a Macbook.

This was a long-needed change... It's a colour that represents so much. Passion. Anger. Sensuality. Courage. Danger. And it means so much to me, especially since I combined it with my other favourite colour. Looking into the mirror is a daily reminder to be strong now. Knock me down - hate me - I will be strong.

Sudden thought: I know we say stuff like this all the time, and it's pretty true that it's an overstated fact. Cliché, even.  But 6 months really do change people. We've all changed, in more ways than one.

Today: Finish chores (groans) Look for soft copies of Dad's photos for MagEd Halloween event later with Isaac and (hopefully) Tish and Ruth.  Not faint/throw up/die The headache from last night is so much better now, though still bad. It's disgusting to think that after a whole month of successfully hiding the splitting headaches, all my work could be undone just because I have to deal with worry along with the headache. Panadol doesn't work anymore (I've taken so much that I can safely say they definitely don't work) and I can't find any strong painkillers that don't require a prescription here - I just had to live in a country with super-strict medicinal laws ugh. If I had a gun, I'd put it to my head without a second thought - blowing my brains out would be so much better than dealing with all this.

Things I hate about crying: Blotchy face  Smudged eyeliner Split headache The need to sneeze every 5 seconds Getting drowsy as fuck Things I like about crying: When the little boy who lives 3 floors down looks at me and doesn't register the fact that I've got a blotchy face and smudged makeup but tells me: "I really like your hair!" Bless you, child. Bless you so much.

Dear printer gods up there, All I want is a printer that prints. With ink. And toner(whatever that is, it seems important enough for printing). And doesn't have half a set of somebody else's lecture notes jammed up inside it. Because I can fix printer jams and somehow make printers listen to me and print like a good little printer. But I can't yank out half a set of lecture notes stuffed into a printer's rear tray thing because first of all I don't actually have the physical strength, and secondly I have nightmares about my hands getting caught in the printer and getting shredded  because some idiot decided to try using that printer to print notes while my hands are still in it . It's not possible I know, but I still get scared. And I've been walking up and down the business school computer labs trying to find a free lab that first of all isn't teeming with people and secondly actually has a free printer and thirdly actually has a f...

Yesterday, after about 6 months... I went back to drama practice. Well, not really drama practice , more rehearsal for their upcoming production. Jo and I went back to see our juniors (and grandjuniors hehe) and well, we were kind of asked to help out and give advice for the rehearsals. A few things struck me. One was a boy who was struggling with what seemed to be his first major role (or maybe it isn't, but who knows since I didn't manage to ask him). Watching him... I saw the me from 6 months ago. I saw in his eyes the same terror that I saw in the mirror when I had to be Mrs Phua for TWCT. Watching him, I understood how he felt, because I'd gone through the same thing during TWCT rehearsal, when I was struggling to understand and work with my character. I wanted to tell him somehow that things were going to be okay, that even though he was frustrated and seemed under pressure (though from the director or himself, again I couldn't tell), things would work ou...

I miss you. But I'm not going to text you, and you know why? It's because I'm a pathetic creature who doesn't know if she genuinely misses you or is merely feeling lonely. I miss you But something tells me that no matter who it is I will push them away - C.N.

Was supposed to be working on my post-SIP report but started slacking off and before I knew it I was watching Red Riding Hood. You know, that movie with Amanda Seyfried. Just a friendly point to note - It's always fascinating to watch human order descend into chaos, and Peter is incredibly hot (he's not just hot, there's that something  about him that makes my breath catch - maybe it's the whole dangerous-but-I-would-never-hurt-you-but-goddamn-it-you're-mine thing he's got in the movie), and I'd totally run away with him if he were real, especially if he were a werewolf. I know it sounds incredibly Twilight ugh, but these are genuine rip-your-throat-out werewolves, and they are beautiful compared to those furry rugs they show in the Twishit saga. Got curious after watching the movie and went to search his actor... Oh dear. Another friendly note that I'M NOT SHARING HIM WITH ANYONE. *swoons*

So Jo and I got bored and shot this video... Most of the time after that was actually spent editing the video because the video thumbnail decided to be a little bitch and pick out a screengrab of me making a really dumb face. (If the video and audio don't sync there really isn't anything I can do anymore - I'm terrible at video editing and FCP never liked me in the first place.) Now chilling out at my house and making full use of the wi-fi and power points here while working on our post-internship reports. And heading to Vivo later for FREE Ben & Jerry's ice cream since I managed to score free vouchers that expire TODAY. But before ice cream comes hard work and internship reports!

Friday was my last day at work. I'll be honest and say that yeah, I was hoping to go for lunch with the news team or something. You know, something to remember. But I wasn't going to get my hopes up for anything because I understood. The news team was busy and quite frankly, it's not possible for everyone to go for lunch together because we have to write the news and all. But I was genuinely surprised when they actually got pizza and we had a sort-of lunch in the office. Domino's Pizza and warm coke mmdap. It was funny because everyone was grabbing pizza and breadsticks and chicken nuggets (At least, I think they were chicken nuggets) and moving around because they still had to write the news and read the news and all. I couldn't help but laugh when I realised that to me, this was the best lunch I'd ever had in the entire time I was working there. Sure, I was slightly envious when I saw Jane's Instagram photos that her mentor and...

Dear God, I don't pray because I don't have a religion and nobody taught me how to pray. But thank you for sending me that unexpected text at a time when I didn't realise I really needed it.  I both hate and yet love you for it, but thank you. 

So frustrated I honestly don't know if I want to scream or cry. Yes, I know I'm stupid. Let's face it, I'm probably the underachiever of all the interns who have come to work here. A condescending look, a sigh of irritation, a roll of the eyes... Thank you for making me feel so much better about my stupidity.

Happened to be clearing my desk (I'm leaving this Friday) and saw this. Apparently I wrote this in June - that was when I was still struggling with generally being terrified of my colleagues and feeling very lonely because I didn't have anyone to talk to. All in all feeling kind of embarrassed I actually wrote this, but also kind of, well... Aw. "Saw ** today, which made me happy. It's funny because I don't even know the dude, and he sure as hell doesn't know me either. I mean, to me he’s a really nice guy who makes going to work everyday slightly less meh, because it feels like I’ve got a friend who’ll say hi to me without possibly feeling awkward or something. It helps that he’s a really nice guy, and he makes good enough conversation. Plus have I mentioned that he’s a really nice guy? Oh yeah, and I like his voice. It’s just something random. To him, I’m probably just an intern working at the station and well I’m possibly interesting to ...

(Disclaimer: Boys can choose to ignore this post especially if they aren't into makeup. I'm not the makeup kind of person, but this is a first kind of post for me.) Finally bought compact powder! This is a really big step for me - I'm the girl who can't even be arsed to apply moisturiser and sunblock in the morning, but now I'm trying to make a conscious effort with makeup. Eyeliner still frustrates me because I love it so much but it's so difficult ugh. It's like a lover I've got an on/off relationship with, seriously. I love  thick eyeliner, but it's such a pain to apply. So now I'm doing the whole bases shebang with primer and BB cream (that's like liquid foundation, I think...) and now I've finally gotten myself some compact powder. See, I can't stand the thought or look of a shiny face. I cannot abide it. So I've been looking around for loose powder, and there are so many options I'm torn between spinning...

Didn't we learn during BMR that all facts and statictics presented needed to be in a uniform style? Like, if one table was presented using percentages then they should all be in percentages or something. This report sucks balls, then. It jumps from percentages to scores to MULTIPLE SELECTION (that really pisses me off because it's not so accurate this way) and then total percentages and percentages of certain groups and more scores (like the 1 in 5 people yada yada yada thing). Geez. It's a really nice way to start a Monday morning, trying to puzzle out 5 pages of statistics that don't play nice. And did I ever mention that I was never good at math? Statistics are kind of the same thing, I need to write them out for them to make sense to me. Needless to say that even after typing all this out it's still not making sense.

People tell me I'm confident, but they don't know that it's just a facade. I only pretend to be confident when I'm outside, but on the inside... Trust me, I'm not confident at all. I'm a person whose insecurities and fears have devoured her. But sometimes... It's when I've got the radio on and I'm goofing off in front of my camera that I feel confident. It's when I'm alone that I can tell myself I look pretty, that I'm confident. That I look good. And I treasure these moments. Because it's when I step outside that I need to remind myself how confident I felt in front of the mirror.

I don't believe it. I have finally found THE best cafe ever. It's quiet enough, empty enough, isolated enough for my tastes. The coffee sold is reasonably priced, and tastes pretty okay. There's wifi (which is surprisingly strong but seems to hate Tumblr) and power sockets for laptops. Those who know me well will know that I dream of finding the perfect cafe to get away from the world. Like one of those if-you-can't-find-Nat-you-know-this-is-the-one-place-she'd-be cafes. And I finally think I've found it. This is the BEST CAFE EVER. And you know what? I can see myself coming here to study, to chill, to get away from the world for a bit.  This place is perfect. Kudos to Tish for introducing this place to me. (No, this isn't the cafe.)

The thought just hit me today that we are all broken people. More than that, actually. We are shards of glass. We are glass shards spinning in the darkness hoping to collide with other shards, to piece up with them and form something beautiful. We are glass shards of different colours and opacities - some are clear, some have scratches on them, some others may be completely opaque. This doesn't always happen - shards of glass don't just piece up perfectly. Sometimes we scratch one another, hurt one another in trying to find the shards of glass that match up with us. Sometimes pieces of us chip off, or we fragment into smaller pieces. Sometimes we shatter completely. And then we don't know what to do with what's left of us. The more idealistic ones will say that broken glass shards can become magnificent stained glass pieces. The more cynical will say that glass shards should remain glass shards, distant and cold and quick to cut anyone who tou...

Well. I've read your story. What can I say? I never was looking for anyone, and truth be told... You didn't ask. There was a reason why I said I needed to take things slow - I was aware that I wasn't looking for anyone, and yet was hoping that you could be the one I happened to chance upon when I wasn't actively looking. Like some fate thing, you know? Well, I can't blame myself for being an over-emotional idiot of a girl. Or maybe I can, but that's not the point. Love, huh? I don't believe in love. It's not a general thing, don't get me wrong. If you feel you love someone, by all means. Just... I personally don't believe in love - I don't understand why we write songs about it, wax lyrical about it, dedicate whole novels and lives to it. Even the fluttery feelings I get - they're all part of having a crush on someone. That's not love. And I don't believe anyone, most of all me, will ever actually understand what love  reall...

I choose to be happy. Well, at least as happy as I can be. I'm not a happy person by nature, but I'm choosing not to make myself miserable. And yes, this is my final decision.