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Well.

I've read your story. What can I say? I never was looking for anyone, and truth be told... You didn't ask. There was a reason why I said I needed to take things slow - I was aware that I wasn't looking for anyone, and yet was hoping that you could be the one I happened to chance upon when I wasn't actively looking. Like some fate thing, you know?

Well, I can't blame myself for being an over-emotional idiot of a girl. Or maybe I can, but that's not the point.

Love, huh? I don't believe in love. It's not a general thing, don't get me wrong. If you feel you love someone, by all means. Just... I personally don't believe in love - I don't understand why we write songs about it, wax lyrical about it, dedicate whole novels and lives to it. Even the fluttery feelings I get - they're all part of having a crush on someone. That's not love. And I don't believe anyone, most of all me, will ever actually understand what love really is. We just have our own opinions or some kind of understanding about it, and we make do with it.

But I don't believe it. And if you tell me you "love" me, I'm more likely to smirk and keep quiet because I don't believe anyone can love me. It's not for attention or anything, it's the truth.

I don't think you're a jerk. I never have. And I don't blame you for what happened that night. But I feel you could have handled things a lot better - why ask for a hug if you knew it would have led to an awkward situation? You can't possibly tell me you never knew, it's like someone asking for a handshake when they knew they had sweaty palms.

I tried to warn you that I was cruel. I guess you're only just realising exactly how cruel I can be.

But I do want you to be happy. You might not believe me, but I do want you to be happy. I want you to realise that we could never have worked out - I only came to that realisation on that night. I want you to meet someone who's good for you, who can make you smile, who'll be as crazy for you as you will be for her. I want you to forget me in time, because that's what I think my fate is in your life.

I don't blame you for anything. If anything, it should be me, for putting you through this. I'm sorry for hurting you like this. I'm sorry if you think I led you on - I honestly wasn't trying to.

You want the truth?

Here it is.

Trembling hands

Racing heart

hard to believe we started out strangers

hard to believe we never knew each other

not a name nor a number

I must admit I was intrigued

When I first saw you sitting there

half of me wanted to approach

the other half held back

still stung raw by recent rejection

still bitter from past hurt

But perhaps the stars were in my sun that day

or something like that

that made me decide to sit next to you after a fashion

and just talk

laugh

smile

Who knew engaging in awkward conversation could be kind of fun?

I thought you'd be someone who wouldn't give a damn

walk away from the klutzy girl with no second glance

and I'd do the same

no hard feelings, right?

We didn't mean anything.

Guess I was wrong.

Unexpected texts at work to help me through the day

flattering to know that someone was thinking of me

but at the same time

frightening

because who would ever think that way about

Stupid

Nerdy

Dorky

Boring

Ugly

Broken

me.

Strong denials.

NO

You thought I was interesting

confident

pretty

a thousand things I couldn't see

I didn't understand, didn't believe.

You were too good to be true.

You really were.

And it became too much.

too fast

I had my doubts but thought

"hey, this could still work"

we could make our differences work

find something to bridge the gap

Even as the red wolf shook her head

eyes filled with cold sorrow

her lips twitched up.

"Stupid girl, you know you're only going to hurt him."

Fool I was to ignore it.

Fool I was to think I could go against the only thing I was good for.

Hurting people.

And on that night

Movie

Darts (that was something new)

And then the big moment.

You know, that moment every girl dreams of.

I never wished for perfection

only something that would feel right

But as you leaned close

something shattered

NO

this felt wrong

everything felt wrong

what were we doing

what was I doing

NONONONONONONO

A million lives flashed through my mind

Fear. Blind fear.

Indecision.

Grief.

Hurt.

Wait, what was all this?

What was I doing?!

STOP!

And now everything lies before me

ripped

shattered

broken

just like me.

You want to smile?

Stay away from me then.

I can't make you smile.

I can't make you happy.

Attraction - I couldn't deny it.

But know that we were not meant to be

My only regret in this is that I had to hurt you this way.

I'm sorry.

I truly am.

Friends? Sure

if you can stand to be friends with someone who just hurt you

by all means.