Good Little Printer

Dear printer gods up there,

All I want is a printer that prints.
With ink.
And toner(whatever that is, it seems important enough for printing).
And doesn't have half a set of somebody else's lecture notes jammed up inside it.

Because I can fix printer jams and somehow make printers listen to me and print like a good little printer.
But I can't yank out half a set of lecture notes stuffed into a printer's rear tray thing because first of all I don't actually have the physical strength, and secondly I have nightmares about my hands getting caught in the printer and getting shredded because some idiot decided to try using that printer to print notes while my hands are still in it.

It's not possible I know, but I still get scared.
And I've been walking up and down the business school computer labs trying to find a free lab that first of all isn't teeming with people and secondly actually has a free printer and thirdly actually has a free printer that works.
And I'm getting real annoyed, especially since I haven't had a chance to eat anything besides a stick of seaweed chicken (unhealthy I know) or even have coffee since 7 this morning.

So printer gods, please.
All I want is a printer with which to print the stacks upon stacks of media law notes that I need for class.

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