Drama Sesh - Personal
Went back to visit the drama club today after what, a month of not seeing them? It's all good, they're practising for a new production and it's always interesting to watch them practice because they're all precious little shits.
But no matter how much I love them, no matter how much I love being able to hug them and say hello because I never get to around school anyway because I'm too busy rushing around and not even looking at anyone in general anymore, a part of me will always somewhat wish I didn't go back because it hurts to see them at the same time.
It hurts because watching them also reminds me that I won't ever get to step onto the stage again, and that aches like a physical pain. It's not like I don't want my juniors to act - that will never be true because I know how amazing it feels to act and I never want anyone who loves it to be deprived of that feeling - it's just that it makes me remember how much I miss acting, how much I miss working on a character, staying up late to work on lines, warming up and then discussing and working out blockings.
I wonder if our seniors ever felt this way, watching us. Did they ever count the days till graduation with the same mix of excitement, relief and fear in their hearts? Did they ever look at us with both love and envy? I wonder.
When I look at the juniors, a line from one of their productions rings loud and clear in my mind.
I am not their mother anymore.
I suppose it's true, if you think of "mother" in a more "senior" sense of the word. I haven't been around for about a year (something I will never forgive myself for - I genuinely think I must be one of the worst seniors around) and even then I can't do much, if anything at all, when I do show up for practice. The worst feeling about finally showing up for practice is when you're not properly attired (like today - I was so ashamed), or when you don't know what to do after warmups and end up standing around like a waste of space.
I'm not a senior anymore. I'm useless. I'm sort of a friend, yeah, but really it feels like I'm a person of the past when I look at them. I feel obsolete, like I no longer know how to connect with them, how to talk to them.
Sigh.
And then they ask questions.
"Which university are you going to apply for?"
"What course will you be choosing? Something similar to masscomm right?"
So many questions, so much hope and expectation in their eyes. It always touches me when they say they believe in me, when they tell me they have faith in me because I don't have any in myself as it is. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and I certainly don't know where I intend to go. I don't even know what course I plan to take because frankly speaking I'm not even sure I might take something related to masscomm.
And it scares me not knowing shit about my life or what I want to do with my life. I feel like a major disappointment because all my life people have been going
"Nat, we can expect great things from you"
"Nat, you have a bright future ahead of you"
"Nat, you write well, you'll definitely do well in masscomm"
"Nat, you speak well, I think we can expect that you'll be on tv when you grow up"
All my life people have been telling me I'll do well in masscomm, and so that's where I went. I enjoyed it - it was a huge fuckfest but I enjoyed what I did - but what if I end up not making it in the media industry? What if I end up disappointing everyone? I'm terrified, truly, that "we can expect great things" will turn into "we had such high hopes".
But then I don't know how to share all these insecurities with them. I don't want them to worry about someone they rarely see, someone who can't even be there for them when they need someone. I feel like I don't deserve their worry or concern because well, I'm not there to begin with.
So I talk to them, laugh with them, sing with them... But I don't want to tell them any problems I may have because I feel like as someone who rarely turns up for practice and still has the audacity to call herself their senior, I should at least act as though I have my shit together - it's the least I can do.
I don't even know what I'm typing anymore - I'm worried for school because we just received a really big assignment due in about a month (and adding on to all the other assignments due too), and I'm tired because everything is piling up, and I'm worried because of assignments, and I'm extremely lonely, and I'm also sad because of the fact that I won't get to act anymore because of commitments and a lack of time (I'm not kidding, I'd do anything to be back on the stage again), and I'm also guilty because I don't treat my juniors right.
Sigh.
But no matter how much I love them, no matter how much I love being able to hug them and say hello because I never get to around school anyway because I'm too busy rushing around and not even looking at anyone in general anymore, a part of me will always somewhat wish I didn't go back because it hurts to see them at the same time.
It hurts because watching them also reminds me that I won't ever get to step onto the stage again, and that aches like a physical pain. It's not like I don't want my juniors to act - that will never be true because I know how amazing it feels to act and I never want anyone who loves it to be deprived of that feeling - it's just that it makes me remember how much I miss acting, how much I miss working on a character, staying up late to work on lines, warming up and then discussing and working out blockings.
I wonder if our seniors ever felt this way, watching us. Did they ever count the days till graduation with the same mix of excitement, relief and fear in their hearts? Did they ever look at us with both love and envy? I wonder.
When I look at the juniors, a line from one of their productions rings loud and clear in my mind.
I am not their mother anymore.
I suppose it's true, if you think of "mother" in a more "senior" sense of the word. I haven't been around for about a year (something I will never forgive myself for - I genuinely think I must be one of the worst seniors around) and even then I can't do much, if anything at all, when I do show up for practice. The worst feeling about finally showing up for practice is when you're not properly attired (like today - I was so ashamed), or when you don't know what to do after warmups and end up standing around like a waste of space.
I'm not a senior anymore. I'm useless. I'm sort of a friend, yeah, but really it feels like I'm a person of the past when I look at them. I feel obsolete, like I no longer know how to connect with them, how to talk to them.
Sigh.
And then they ask questions.
"Which university are you going to apply for?"
"What course will you be choosing? Something similar to masscomm right?"
So many questions, so much hope and expectation in their eyes. It always touches me when they say they believe in me, when they tell me they have faith in me because I don't have any in myself as it is. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and I certainly don't know where I intend to go. I don't even know what course I plan to take because frankly speaking I'm not even sure I might take something related to masscomm.
And it scares me not knowing shit about my life or what I want to do with my life. I feel like a major disappointment because all my life people have been going
"Nat, we can expect great things from you"
"Nat, you have a bright future ahead of you"
"Nat, you write well, you'll definitely do well in masscomm"
"Nat, you speak well, I think we can expect that you'll be on tv when you grow up"
All my life people have been telling me I'll do well in masscomm, and so that's where I went. I enjoyed it - it was a huge fuckfest but I enjoyed what I did - but what if I end up not making it in the media industry? What if I end up disappointing everyone? I'm terrified, truly, that "we can expect great things" will turn into "we had such high hopes".
But then I don't know how to share all these insecurities with them. I don't want them to worry about someone they rarely see, someone who can't even be there for them when they need someone. I feel like I don't deserve their worry or concern because well, I'm not there to begin with.
So I talk to them, laugh with them, sing with them... But I don't want to tell them any problems I may have because I feel like as someone who rarely turns up for practice and still has the audacity to call herself their senior, I should at least act as though I have my shit together - it's the least I can do.
I don't even know what I'm typing anymore - I'm worried for school because we just received a really big assignment due in about a month (and adding on to all the other assignments due too), and I'm tired because everything is piling up, and I'm worried because of assignments, and I'm extremely lonely, and I'm also sad because of the fact that I won't get to act anymore because of commitments and a lack of time (I'm not kidding, I'd do anything to be back on the stage again), and I'm also guilty because I don't treat my juniors right.
Sigh.
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