U-N-I (LONG POST)

I’m scared. I’m so scared. Everything’s crashing down on me – work, school, university, life in general. The Nat who always knew how to wing her way out of sticky situations – the Nat who always smiled no matter what because don’t worry and everything’s going to be okay is now shivering in the corner because Kamisama help her, she doesn’t know what to do anymore.

University: I don’t know what I want to do, what I want to study, if I want to study. If I’m brutally honest with myself the only place I can go to is somewhere language is needed, because quite frankly I’m useless at everything else.

I’m considering working after I graduate, but my parents are hearing none of it – they want me to study. I’d like to work because it’d be good to have some extra money in my account, plus who feels good about letting their parents pay for them every step of the way? I’m almost 20, for cryin’ out loud. Even if you don’t treat me like I’m going to be fully legal in two years time, I’d like to feel mature and responsible for my education. I may not be very mature or responsible, but god knows I’d like to try.

But I’ve already had this talk (read: argument and tears) with them multiple times, so let’s not go there.

What I want to study is Theatre – I won’t lie to myself about this. That’s all I want to study, and I’ve known it since I first stepped onto the stage. But I also have to listen to people who tell me that there’s no future in theatre because I don’t have a rich husband who can support me, and no one will listen anyway.

What I want to study is Communications and Media – I’ve known that since I was 14. But grades, first and foremost. My grades just don’t cut it, and even if I tried appealing and somehow managed to get in, could I possibly survive the competition? Only the strong survive, and I know it. Everyone tells me, you’ll be fine, you write well, speak well, plus you’re brave and outspoken.

The problem is I’m not outspoken enough. These people don’t see how I am in school, how I’ve been. There’s a Chinese saying that translates to this: “Each mountain will always find another mountain taller than it”. And so it is: I may write or speak well in their opinions, but it’s never enough. I don’t speak well enough, write well enough. And that leads to the overwhelmingly crippling fear that I’m just not going to be able to survive in there, providing that I even manage to get in.

I want to be in the media industry, I know that. I know what it’s like to chase a story, and I love it. I love the frustration of having to find an interviewee and then rushing to flesh out the story and meet deadlines. I’m still not that good, but I’m working on it. All people know and all they tell me is oh Nat you’re so good with English and you’ll be on tv some day, I know it and you already know how competitive the industry is so don’t worry, you can adapt well and what they don’t know is how scared I am every time they say that because as much as I’m happy to hear that they believe in me, I’m also terrified at the thought of having to let them down.

Because the gist of everything is this: I love the media industry, but the media industry may not necessarily love me back. I’m tired. I’m not even 20 and I’m exhausted, I know my friends and coursemates are exhausted. It’s written all over our faces when we see one another in school. We’re all exhausted, we’re all burning out, and we’re all scared for this reason. People will tell me “well then what about those who’ve been working in this industry for xx years” and my answer is always the same.

I know about those people who’ve been working in the industry for so long. I highly respect and admire them for it because goddamn, it takes a lot of patience to stay in such an unforgiving industry for so long. The best way I can describe media is that well, it’s a thankless job but hey, we’re all suckers for punishment. The problem is, what about us? Again, most of us aren’t even 20 and already we’re drained. How do we stay in such an industry when we’re tired before we even step in?

Not to mention the generations after us will be much better equipped than we are – it’s a vicious cycle and we all know it, yet we stay in the race because we want to do something we love, no matter how tiring it is. The thing is, we only have to look at the next generation and already we know that it’s going to be another tough fight – the syllabus has changed for them, and they’ll have a lot more experience than we will at this moment. Sure, we love a good challenge, but this is downright terrifying – the moment you graduate even before graduation you have to be ready for competition. And that’s the beauty of it: I don’t want to have to classify everyone around me as a threat. I don’t want to live my life as one big Hunger Games arena, but I certainly don’t want to be swept away. 

So what do I do? I get up and start running again. I don’t know where I’m headed or what I’m planning to do, but I run.

My friends and I have had many moments when, in a fit of frustration, we ask one another: What the fuck are we running for? What would happen if we took away the whole thing about having to run and run and run until the day we die?

We all had similar answers: We wanted to be salespeople or greengrocers, even farmers. I personally wanted to own a café or bookshop, idealistic as it sounded. And so that was the question: WHY NOT? We knew what we wanted to do if we didn’t have to run anymore, so what was stopping us?

We didn’t know. All we knew was that we had to keep running no matter what.

I don’t really know where this post is going – I started ranting while crying and now here I am. In a way, I guess I’m like this post. I don’t know where I want to go, and the urge to RUNRUNRUNRUNRUN is screaming in my head. Sure I’d like to do that, pack up and run and never look back. But I can’t.

If I ask myself what I look for in a future after graduation, it’d be this:

I want to study in a course where I’ll be learning things and skills that I am passionate about. I want to want to study without having to worry about the cost or education and how relevant it will be for me to get a job that I will keep for the next 35 years. I want to be able to get a job without having to worry if the salary that I receive will be enough to at least support a comfortable lifestyle, or if I might lose my job to someone younger than I am.

I want to be able to study something I want to learn about without being told that I won’t have a future in it.

I’m not saying that I definitely want to study Theatre – I can find another course that I may like (and may be friendlier towards my grades too) and I can easily take Theatre as an elective subject or even an extra-curricular activity. I just don’t want my whole life to be a rat race from cradle to grave.

Of course, I could keep dreaming or shoot myself in the head, couldn’t I?

Orelsan - "peur de l’échec" (fear of failure)

Sure you say that it's pathetic to be afraid of failure your whole life, but it's a very real fear indeed.