For we must all learn to howl.

The paper's over! I don't want to say much because I'm drained down to the bone, but I did my best and I feel proud of it. No regrets there! Went out with mum, who couldn't get it that just because I was tired didn't mean that I didn't want to hang with the fam, and that led to an argument that really could have been avoided if she'd just LISTENED to me. Yeesh. Don't want to say more, I'm going to be enjoying what I consider a well-earned D.Gray-man anime marathon. Time to go back to a world I can understand.

- Another dream. This time I almost woke up screaming. What is going on..? - Can't wait to finish this exam quick - there are places I have to be tomorrow after the paper! :) - Ayumi Hamasaki for studying playlist... Not so good. I'm switching back to trance. - Omid Ghajar's mixes are the sex ugh. Plus, I like the messages he puts in the introduction of his videos each time: Get the ENERGY, Feel the LOVE, Reach the POWER. And his mixes are usually very clean, and help to focus. - Still, no one compares to Nakashin4. Sigh I miss him/her - I think the channel was taken down on copyright claims (damn you, Youtube - that was an amazing channel). - COOOOOOOOOOOOKIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN - I need to get started on that story. After exams then - I've been paying less and less attention to it now with this exam and I feel quite ashamed for it. - (But it does sound like a Taiwanese love story in my opinion... Sigh I gotta stop with all this romance ...

- D.Gray-man cravings ughhhhhhh. I want to keep watching (but this is why the self-imposed limit is really useful, as long as I keep to it..!) -  Can't believe I thought the Whatsapp messages were from a dream... How embarrassing, but really my dreams have been more frequent and intense - I was jolted awake from a pretty bad nightmare around 3:30 this morning... Sigh. -  Second cup of coffee, and it's not even noon yet. Joy. -  I know I'm well and truly stressed/tired when I start listening to Korean songs while studying. I'd listen to trance mixes, but they usually get me so relaxed that I don't feel like studying anymore, and Japanese doesn't cut it sometimes because the language is so familiar/pleasing to my ear. So my study playlists usually become a mix of vocal/dream trance, Japanese and Korean songs. - I should probably put a really good mix together sometime during the holidays. I mean, I'm going to need it in university. - Damn it. Am I go...

I'm so happy for you -  You seem much happier now Problems still, but much smaller ones, it seems, compared to back then. I'm genuinely happy for you. Just... Don't forget me, okay? I'll always be here, so don't forget me.

- Ooh. Chess in concert is fucking good. Note to self: watch the whole thing once exams are over. - The concourse was silent about 15 MINUTES AGO before all the exam people started pouring out to discuss their answers and moan and cry and scream. Well I feel like screaming too: SHUT. UP. - Work progress: 5 lectures translated into proper notes, 7 more to go. Not bad considering the noise! - The noise is so loud I can't even increase my music volume any more without feeling my brain oozing out from my ears. SO MUCH CHATTER JUST SHUT UP UGH - You know what? Maybe the noise is a sign for me to take a quick break. COOKIE RUN TIME~! - GAAAAAH TP WIFI YOU SUCK. - I have officially found the perfect study music. Naruto OST, believe it or not. - REALLY CUTE GUY SITTING OPPOSITE ME OMG. That AND it's blessedly quiet now that everyone's gone - this is like motivation in its purest form. - Dammit, he left. Oooh with eye contact though *blushes* Darn it he was really cu...

AND SO IT BEGINS.

Had dinner with Xinyi and Isaac tonight - we're not that close that we don't have any awkward moments in our conversations, but we're close enough that the awkward moments aren't that bad at all. Xinyi showed us a short story that she'd been working on for her Creative Writing class, and quite truthfully I liked it - it was still very raw, and her writing style was so different from mine that it grated quite a bit - but I loved the idea and concept and really I can't wait for her to finalise it and let me read it when it's done. Reading her piece made me think of the piece I  was supposed to be writing. I can't say that I don't have any ideas, because I do - my favourite part of thinking about a story is only beginning. I'm thinking about how my characters could act, thinking of things they would say, food they would like, music that would suit them. I'm even doing homework for this. This is what I truly enjoy about writing a story - grabbi...

I can't breathe. I can't fucking breathe. I look calm as fuck and I'm sitting down looking through all the university shit that I'm supposed to prepare and I can't breathe. I have two days to put everything together. Mum's yelling that I always leave things to the last minute - that I don't deny. But she says that if I never checked my stuff today, I would have missed the application deadlines and wouldn't even know it. But she's wrong there - the reason I'm checking everything now  is because I do know that the earliest deadline closes in two days. But I can't say that of course. In fact, I can't even speak - my throat's constricted and I can't even squeak a word out. My hand's clawing at my throat, but the feeling doesn't go away. I. Can't. Breathe.

You know how sometimes you dream, but you don't remember what your dream was about until a later time? Well, that just happened to me - I just remembered that I dreamt I was on a date with Tom fucking Hiddleston. Again. Tom. Fucking. Hiddleston. I remember most of the dream, but no way am I sharing it here! It was amazing, for lack of any other word that could have come to mind. In my dream it wasn't about the fact that I was on a date with Tom Hiddleston , it was more of the fact that I knew I was on a date and yet I wasn't nervous (surprisingly enough). He made me feel relaxed and confident, sexy even. It felt like he genuinely wanted me to enjoy myself, and he wanted to know more about me (which was a very nice feeling). Oh, and he was very  friendly *winks* but definitely knew not to push anything. I'd say more about this, but quite frankly I already sound like someone who's just going on and on about a fangirling dream so I'm just goin...

SERIES: Deathnote My first manga/anime. Ah, the memories~  I remember fangirling over Light so hard and then switching to L because holy shit, who doesn't love a brilliant, weird master detective? His obsession with sweets was so cute too. Vampire Knight I wanted Zero from the start, ahaha. Unfortunately I gave up on the manga (the anime has ended) because it was dragging on far too much and I was getting bored... Also I remember wondering why their skin seemed to tear so easily in the manga/anime - I tried it out with a razorblade and trust me, skin is a LOT tougher than it appears in VK =.=" Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles SYAORAN-KUN~~ Yeap, he was all that I really cared about - him and the amazing OST composed by Yuki Kajiura. This was the anime that got me into OSTs because I was completely entranced by Kajiura-san's pieces. Still love them, in fact. Anime-wise, it was pretty meh because now that I look back on it, only the OST k...

This is why I'm always afraid when my dad cleans the house or cooks.  I keep quiet, but I'm afraid. Because every time he does something like that, he works himself up into a rage for no reason whatsoever. That's the bit I can't understand - who gets angry while cooking or cleaning? It always makes you calm after a while, and that really is the bit that I can't understand. And you know what they say - humans tend to fear what they can't understand. I don't fear that he'll lash out at me - that I'm used to -  but what I fear is that his anger is unpredictable, and there's no way of guessing what could happen. I guess it's true that certain things are hereditary. I'm like him - when I get angry, I tend to bottle it all up until I can't control it anymore. Maybe that's why I'm afraid, because what if I turn out like him? It's a vicious cycle: He cooks something, effectively working himself up int...

It's quiet now. Too quiet. And I can't decide which is worse, the poisoned words or the dead silence.

So Valentine's Day has come and gone - I didn't make a post about it yesterday because I was busy with other things, and ended up heading to bed really early. It was really quiet - we had planned to go to Common Man Coffee Roasters after class, but ended up cancelling that plan because we got lost. After wandering around quite a lot (in heels, I might add - ouch!) we bought ice cream and sat by the Singapore River, waving to tourists as they passed by in bumboats. It was an amazing feeling, waving to them and seeing them light up and wave back when they realised that someone was waving at them. It was fun, I suppose, but it felt like something was missing. A part of me was missing. Well, two parts actually, but that's a story for another day. What else can I possibly put in a post for Valentine's Day, really? Nothing happened, as much as I wished for it. I didn't meet anyone. I didn't meet him . Of course, I really should have known better than to hope f...

You don't exist. Because if you did, I would know.  And I wouldn't be sitting here in my room fighting tears for a reason that shouldn't even exist. Because you would be here. You don't exist - you must have been some kind of illusion dreamt up by me to help me feel less lonely.  Because tell me, if you exist then why do I feel as though I have no one at all? Why is it that I don't know who to turn to when I'm well and truly alone? I guess it's true - you exist only in my dreams., and I suppose I'll see you only then. And it hurts so much to say this, because I'm still hoping I'm wrong about this. I'm still hoping you'll prove me wrong.

I'm not some punching bag - you can't just throw whatever you want at me because I don't say how much it hurts. This whole situation both sickens and upsets me. Accusation within reason I can understand; Accusation without I can NOT . I've never needed Artemis as much as I needed him today. I dreamt of him with his arms wrapped around me protecting me, comforting me. Telling me that as fucked as the situation was, things would be alright. I needed him there not because he would solve the situation for me, but because he would tell me that he had confidence I could solve it myself. He'd be there to comfort and support me no matter what. I needed him to listen or at least just be there as I cried He'd be upset, angry even, on my behalf, but would understand to just let me cry. He might not know what to do - he's not perfect -  but he would have made me feel less alone. He would have known the truth from the start -  For me, there ...

Dream, dream, dream, dream Dream, dream, dream, dream When I want you in my arms When I want you and all your charms Whenever I want you All I have to do is dream Dream, dream, dream When I feel blue in the night And I need you to hold me tight Whenever I want you All I have to do is dream I can make you mine  Taste your lips of wine Anytime night or day Only trouble is  Gee whiz I'm dreamin' my life away I need you so, that I could die I love you so and that is why Whenever I want you All I have to do is dream Dream, dream, dream, dream I can make you mine Taste your lips of wine Anytime night or day Only trouble is Gee whiz I'm dreamin' my life away I need you so, that I could die I love you so and that is why Whenever I want you  All I have to do is dream Dream, dream, dream Dream, dream, dream, dream Dream, dream, dream, dream Dream I keep dreaming about you, and w...

I don't know why... But this year's Valentine's Day feels like it's going to be the toughest one yet for me.

pretty pretty girl are you porcelain or filigree you with your hair of spun gold or is it woven bronze instead oh I love you, pretty girl with your glass eyes and your painted cheeks but most of all I love your pretty little ruined mouth tainted by the lips of another as he whispered against them his sweet poisonous nothings pretty pretty girl how did you not notice? the sneer in his eyes the mocking laughter in his kisses he left you,  pretty girl with his withered flowers forgotten sighs yellowed letters where are you now, pretty girl I hear you crying do not run from me I am not like him him with his honeyed poison while I only have rough and honest flowers to give while common daisies cannot compare to roses their beauty has its own meaning can you find it within yourself to love a pauper, pretty girl? I cannot give you jewels and dresses but if you will take them, I can give you flowers as well as...

Sometimes (like right now) I feel like grabbing my mum's phone and hurling it hard  against something, anything, so it shatters and breaks and she can't use it to call the 2482838283 people she knows. FOR JUST FIVE MINUTES CAN YOU NOT BE CALLING OR TEXTING ANYONE AND JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME. Moments that happen are lost because she's always on the fucking phone, and her conversations with who-the-fuck-ever can take an hour, sometimes more. If I ever did that she'd flip at me for being on the phone for so long. It's annoying, and sometimes I get so frustrated because I'm literally THIS CLOSE to taking her stupid phone and throwing it away.

Everything's making me feel sad and lonely tonight. The music, no matter how I change it to something more upbeat. (The fact remains that I'm somehow feeling sad  listening to Madonna's Like A Prayer) The night, no matter how much I've always felt comforted by it. The comfort is still there, but tonight it feels inadequate. Tonight's one of those nights when I feel surrounded by silence and unbearably lonely.

Cramping like crazy and all I want to do is curl up in bed and die, but I've got a story to write and layout to do too. Let's do this motherfucker, ugh. Last story for PTP Layout for PTP Print PTP (tomorrow with group) Testimonial stuff (NEED ASAP) Final presentation Decide what to do with future Keep walking. You're not quite there yet. *hugs self as another wave of cramps hit* Ow. EDIT: I found out this morning that Valentine's Day this year is on the same day as the last day of Chinese New Year, which is also known as Chinese Valentine's Day. Oh.  Maybe with twice the amount of Valentine's energy running around on that day... I'm almost afraid to hope, to even let my thoughts go down that path. (Oh but they have gone down that path, and how they keep running up and down) I don't want to be foolish enough to give myself some false hope that something could happen and end up upset  disappointed because well, I'm the ...

We all worked hard on this. And even though I agree that he didn't give satisfactory work, something within me still stutters at the thought of having to do  that . Maybe it’s regret. Regret that maybe I didn't try hard enough to understand, to talk to him and help him. Regret that maybe I wasn't a good enough friend to someone who could have needed it. Maybe it’s guilt. Guilt that I, or we, could have been one of the bigger reasons why we don’t get along. Sure, we never liked him from the get-go, but maybe we if we tried to give him more chances he’d respond and we’d all end up getting along somewhat. The truth is that it’s really easier said than done isn't it. Maybe it’s fear. I'm a person with strong self-preservation instincts, and right now my instincts are telling me that if we do  it , we’ll definitely end up getting dragged in too. Whatever shit we reveal that he’s done will come back to bite in the asses ...

Just watched Carrie for the first time, I'd been dying to since I saw the poster for it. Reading the synopsis I was pretty sure I was in for what could be considered somewhat-classic horror, but honestly I didn't expect to cry so much. No major spoilers will be given, but I cried so hard through the whole freaking movie . Don't ask me why, I won't be able to give an answer. I cried when Carrie was bullied and how nervous she always was around people because I could relate. Sure, I've never been through the same thing, but I've felt it. And I can say for sure that I cried because I empathised with her, because I know how she felt. I sobbed through the whole prom scene (before everything went to shit) because the whole thing about getting excited a week before prom, getting your outfit, waiting for your prom date and then talking, having fun... It was the whole thing about her date actually being the sweetest date ever and going out of his way just to mak...

I met someone today who reminded me of you, just a bit. I miss you, you asshole. I fucking miss you, and I hate that I do.

Sometimes, you just really gotta love your friends.

So I finally did it. I finally got rid of that stupid Domo-kun doll I'd been hanging on to since Nakushita-kun gave it to me years ago. Put simply, I sold it to Russ, who said he'd give it to his sister. I needed the money, and well... It seemed quite logical that it should be the first thing to go. I should feel happy. I should feel light, like a burden's been lifted off my chest. I should be elated that I got rid of the damned thing, and even made some money out of it. I don't. I feel upset, like I just threw away something that meant a lot to me. I guess I did, ne? I mean, it was a birthday gift from so long ago after all, and I tend to get very attached to things I've owned for a while, and especially if there are memories and feelings associated with them. Obviously I got attached to it - it was given to me by someone I considered important back then, and even after he treated me like shit and eventually forgot all about me I still held on to it because...

After a month and a half. And for the stupidest reason of all, and now the itching won't stop. It's like do it once, do it again and again.