Apology

What a mess one stupid moment of anger and impulse can cause - a picture, a text, an awkward phone call.

You're right - being angry at you, demonising you - it all makes for better posts. But I won't do that because I can't, because I'm angry at you, sure, but I'm also angry at myself and I most certainly don't hate you.

So don't be a dumbass. It's both our faults, and it's also simply because we weren't right for each other.

A friend told me that I'd become used to, dependent even, on your presence. And he's right - I've become used to the fact that you were in my life, dependent on the knowledge that I'd be able to see you at least once a week no matter how busy.

I miss you - I miss your voice, how you hold me against you, how you look at me just before you try to kiss me. I miss how you're always playing those weird games you love so much, and I miss how you always promise to teach me how to play them someday, as if we're not both aware that I haven't a snowball's chance in hell of actually understanding the game. I miss how you get excited over the weirdest things, and then attempt to walk it off because you're slightly embarrassed.

I miss you. Period. And I can't stand how you're all I can think about, can't stand this itching - there are kinder ways to lose my mind. And I want so badly to crack, to ask you if we can start over and give this another shot, but I think we both know better than that. If I asked and you said yes, would we still find ourselves in the exact same situation a month from now?

I truly am sorry for that post on social media - I saw something that made me incredibly angry, and lashed out without giving it proper thought. I meant it to sting, and I guess that post did its job. Of course, it means nothing to you to know that I regret posting that now, does it..? I was angry and confused, and I did something awful out of impulse and a need to share my bitterness, and I'm truly sorry it hurt you like this. It doesn't excuse what I did, though.

Then again, sorry really means nothing. It's just a word, but then why can't I stop saying it?

Sorry for not being enough. Sorry for wasting your time, sorry to make you go through all this. Sorry for being naive enough to believe I could change for you, sorry for being so insecure all the time, sorry sorry sorry.

I'm sorry for calling you last night - I was staring at your message and didn't know what to say and ended up picking up the phone - and making things so awkward. I don't regret calling you, but I'm sorry for putting you in such a spot.

But I don't regret us. I never have. If I did have one regret, well, I think we both know what that is. That, and the fact that I didn't take more pictures of us when I had the chance.

This is me saying I'm going to move on. Slowly, eventually, I'll move on - as will you. What's that they say, about people entering and leaving lives? Our chapter's over, and it's time to start a new one. That being said, the time we had was amazing, and I loved every moment of it.

Thank you for being as patient as you could have been. I truly appreciate that.

I'd like to think that if we happen to bump into each other whenever in the future, we'll be able to at least smile and say hello, with no hard feelings whatsoever. I'd like to think that in spite of this we can be friends sometime.

And just to put it out there, I'm watching Jurassic Park World when it comes out - I've never been a big fan of dinosaurs, but there's Chris Pratt and I maintain my stand that he's a perfectly legitimate reason to watch the movie.