Text

I miss you.

I miss being able to text you, knowing for sure that you'd receive my message and reply in your own time. I miss being able to wish you good morning, good night, good whatever in between. I miss being able to ask how your day was, how you're feeling.

I just miss hearing from you, okay? I miss having you in my life because I'd gone and carved out a huge part of my life to put you in and all of a sudden you're gone and there's this huge empty space sitting there and staring at me and I don't know what to do.

And I've been alternating between crying and acting as if everything's normal the way it is and generally feeling very hollow because everything's grey again and I can't even muster the energy to give a damn about anything else besides this all-consuming grey, this feeling of emptiness.

I want to text you, to ask you how you're doing. I can't, and I won't - we promised we'd stay away from each other for a while, and I intend to be as mature as I can and keep to this because you're probably doing the same.

Definitely should be the more fitting word, I think - my silent phone is a clear indication of that.

If there's anything about this that kills me the most, I think it's the sudden silence - I don't hear anything from you, and all of a sudden I have to go about my day as if this is the norm, as if I've never fallen into the habit of texting you whenever I miss you a little too much, as if I've never seen something cute or funny or weird and just sent it to you hoping to get a reaction.

I almost caved in this morning, almost, when you called me while I was still on the way to class. It was an accident, I'm sure of it. It had to be, and that was what I told myself while scribbling notes in class to keep my hands from wandering too near to my phone.

The day goes on as usual - I attend classes and hang out with friends and laugh and take picture after picture to distract myself from glancing at my phone too often, to keep myself too busy to think of something to send to you.

You have no idea how badly I want to be stupid and impulsive and just drop you a text and end up regretting it later, but I'm not going to do it. It's so noisy in my head right now, as if my headache isn't bad enough. Everything's a constant shouting match between

I want to

I won't

I want to

I shouldn't

I want to

I can't

and I can't fucking breathe, okay?

Is (feat. POP ETC)

Where is my Twelve, to tell me he's going to destroy the entire world?

But let's pretend I texted you. I really wouldn't actually know what to say, so I imagine it'd be something these lines:

Um, hey. I know we agreed not to text or anything for a while, but I really just wanted to know if you're doing okay. I don't expect or want an answer, really - this is me being selfish. I just wanna get it out there that I miss you, that despite everything I hope you're doing okay. 

We'll be okay eventually. You know that, I'm sure you do. We'll be okay, and when that time comes we'll be able to text and joke and talk like friends do, and maybe just maybe be able to hang like friends do too. I think that would be nice, being able to hang with you again.

Till then, I guess.