Masks

I have had it with having to wear different masks for every single fucking minute of my life. I have had enough. If you've ever watched a Chinese mask act, you might know what I'm talking about. The actor steps onstage and during his act, displays his prowess at changing masks within the blink of an eye. He does it so deftly that the audience can't see how he does it so easily. In one set, he can go through, what, 6 or 8 masks, maybe even 10. I've never kept count. What I'm trying to say is that I've been feeling this way - that I always have to wear a different mask for every situation I'm in. It's like a huge mask act of my own, and I'm the actor, having to put on a good show for the audience, a neverending facade to be presented to an audience hungrily waiting for me to slip up somewhere just so they can pounce and tear me to pieces.

I remember how I used to be in NAS. I was the girl who always had a song with her, ready to burst into song anywhere, anyplace. I'd sing in the school hall, in the classrooms, corridors, anywhere. I used to write a lot, too. I'd scribble a poem or maybe some random lines that sounded right to me. As long as I had pen and paper, I was good to go. I was unbelievably thick-skinned, not giving a fuck about what others might say if I just burst into song anywhere, or if I went crazy with my friends. I didn't care.

So why should I care NOW? I'm not saying that I'm gonna rip all my masks off and set them aflame. I'm saying that maybe I could start to show a bit more of the crazy, absolutely retarded, mood-swingy girl that is Natalie Chew Si Min.

I love dark/emo/gothic/punk/rock/scene stuff. So what? Even if I can't show it in my dressing style, it's still a big part of who I am. I love black, silver, blue, dark red, dark green and grey. I hate pink. I love LP, Evanescence, BlutEngel, Trapt, Breaking Benjamin and TDG. I also love Hilary Duff, David Archuleta and Simple Plan. So what?

I absolutely love Japan. I love Japanese artistes like YUI, ViViD and Kalafina, and I think that Yuki Kajiura is fucking brill. I love the anime series that I watch. If I want to fangirl over Prince of Tennis, Deathnote and Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles, what's it to anyone else? I don't listen too much to popular English songs, because it's exhausting to have to chase after all of them and I'd rather listen to anime OST, really. It's just as awesome. I can't stand K-pop because it annoys me, although I think that SuJu is pretty cool. I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan, I love dragons, wolves and most supernatural creatures (I love non-sparkly vampires), I have a strange fascination with death and I'm pretty sure that if TP had a subject about death I'd ace it. Also, I plan to get a tattoo sometime in the future.

I goof around, I love to sing and pretend to dance when I'm in my room, and I'm going to get myself to be less self-conscious, especially around my friends. If we're taking a photo or video an I look like crap, then fine, I look like crap. I can live with it. 

I'm tired of having to live MY life according to the rules of others, because I don't answer to ANYONE. Never have, never fucking will. I'm not going to be like, "Oh, this person sucks!" or "Eww, I hate that person!" because I have learnt from my mistakes, and I know how it hurts to be badmouthed or gossiped about. I promise that I will never intentionally hurt anyone unless it's really in self-defense. 

I'm just going to be ME. The Natalie who loves having fun, and talking about weird things like death and torture methods and other subjects that most people would rather not know about, who is fucking passionate about what she loves and believes in, the Nat who loves all things Japanese and genuinely loves listening to Japanese songs even though she can't always understand them, the Nat who loves to sing and write and act, and secretly dreams of getting spotted someday. The Nat that I am.

And if anyone has an issue with that, well, to hell with you.

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