A Funny Feeling
It's funny.
I don't know what to post about anymore. It seems like so long ago, when I'd have lengthy posts about my life, Rikugame-kun, school, pressure and friends. It seems like so long ago when I'd write poems and post them up for fun, for anyone to take a look at.
But now I have nothing. My life is nothing but grey. It's not even black and white - there's no difference in colour in my life now. The only colour I see is in the thoughts that swirl around in my mind, locked up so no one knows what they look like. All I think about... I don't want to type them out, for fear of... I just don't want to type them out.
I've been thinking of different ways to die. I can't help it, it's the first thing that crosses my mind whenever I see anything interesting now. Like on the overhead bridge - I wonder how fast it would be to die if I were to jump off into traffic. Or taking the train - What if I jumped onto the tracks? Would I be electrocuted first or slammed by the train? Even taking a shower - What if I slipped and fell, and suffered a concussion or slowly bled to death?
I thought about what it would be like to let her out today, while in the bus on the way to school. You know, her. The one inside me. For a moment I thought it would be okay, since she's been really quiet lately, but what happened next scared me.
My eyes started to glaze over, and as that happened, it was as though a veil of red descended over my mind. All of a sudden, I was facing her in my mind, and she was laughing her head off. I physically felt myself smiling, some kind of wide grin that I don't normally pull (I don't smile like that, I really don't) and actually felt hysterical laughter bubbling up in my throat, as well as a shifting, like she was taking over me. As I opened the door, she was standing there, ready to push it wide open and take full control of me. And I saw what she was thinking, what she wanted to do should I let her out.
Blood. Lots of blood. And her laughter in my ears, a low growl that slowly climbed in pitch and became more hysterical, more unbalanced.
I immediately slammed the door shut, but could still hear her laughing in my head, even with me playing my music on full blast. It was extremely unsettling to think that she seemed to have calmed down when all the while, she was waiting patiently for me to slip up and open the door wide enough for her to force her way out. I don't want to think about what she would have done if I hadn't slammed the door shut tight. She didn't even put up a fight as I'd expected her to as I closed the door, she just sat there and looked at me, with that wide grin that I hadn't realised was mirrored on my own lips. She just looked at me with that quiet burning promise that one day, she would get out. Either I'd let her out on my own, or she'd wait for her chance.
And then everyone would pay.
I don't know what to post about anymore. It seems like so long ago, when I'd have lengthy posts about my life, Rikugame-kun, school, pressure and friends. It seems like so long ago when I'd write poems and post them up for fun, for anyone to take a look at.
But now I have nothing. My life is nothing but grey. It's not even black and white - there's no difference in colour in my life now. The only colour I see is in the thoughts that swirl around in my mind, locked up so no one knows what they look like. All I think about... I don't want to type them out, for fear of... I just don't want to type them out.
I've been thinking of different ways to die. I can't help it, it's the first thing that crosses my mind whenever I see anything interesting now. Like on the overhead bridge - I wonder how fast it would be to die if I were to jump off into traffic. Or taking the train - What if I jumped onto the tracks? Would I be electrocuted first or slammed by the train? Even taking a shower - What if I slipped and fell, and suffered a concussion or slowly bled to death?
I thought about what it would be like to let her out today, while in the bus on the way to school. You know, her. The one inside me. For a moment I thought it would be okay, since she's been really quiet lately, but what happened next scared me.
My eyes started to glaze over, and as that happened, it was as though a veil of red descended over my mind. All of a sudden, I was facing her in my mind, and she was laughing her head off. I physically felt myself smiling, some kind of wide grin that I don't normally pull (I don't smile like that, I really don't) and actually felt hysterical laughter bubbling up in my throat, as well as a shifting, like she was taking over me. As I opened the door, she was standing there, ready to push it wide open and take full control of me. And I saw what she was thinking, what she wanted to do should I let her out.
Blood. Lots of blood. And her laughter in my ears, a low growl that slowly climbed in pitch and became more hysterical, more unbalanced.
I immediately slammed the door shut, but could still hear her laughing in my head, even with me playing my music on full blast. It was extremely unsettling to think that she seemed to have calmed down when all the while, she was waiting patiently for me to slip up and open the door wide enough for her to force her way out. I don't want to think about what she would have done if I hadn't slammed the door shut tight. She didn't even put up a fight as I'd expected her to as I closed the door, she just sat there and looked at me, with that wide grin that I hadn't realised was mirrored on my own lips. She just looked at me with that quiet burning promise that one day, she would get out. Either I'd let her out on my own, or she'd wait for her chance.
And then everyone would pay.
Sometimes, I really can't tell the difference between her and I.
The lines are blurring too much.
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