Reasons

I've never been able to find a good reason to keep on living.
I've always wanted to give up on life, to throw my life away.
To just give up, let go of everything.

But now...
I'm starting to find reasons for living.

Lebell.
Avelyn.
Mum.
My Twitter account (yes, funnily enough!) and my blog. This blog, to be specific.
My friends.
The fact that I'm still waiting to find him.

They're not big reasons. They're small, minuscule, unimportant to the world.
But to me they're becoming more and more important.
And that's what scares me.
The fact that these reasons may one day be the reasons why I can't commit someday.

I'm not afraid to die.
I never have been.
To be honest I've always wanted to die.
Shocker? Yes? No? I don't care.
I've never wanted to live on.
Each day is spent hanging on a thread, a thin line that could snap at any time.

But I'm afraid to live.
I'm afraid because I never used to be able to find a reason to live on, and now...

I still can't envision a future for myself.
As much as I talk about working in the media industry, as much as I say I want to work for CNA someday...
I don't see it, you know what I mean?
I can't see it in my mind.
I still can't.

But I'm slowly starting to forget the urge to want to die.
That's what scares me.
It's still on my mind 24/7, just... Kind of somewhere near the back of my mind now.

People say recovery is good.
It's not as easy as they think.
Because sometimes...
What if you don't want to recover?

It's not a selfish thought, and it sure as hell isn't attention-seeking either.
It's a fact.
Many I know face the same problem.

I'm scared.
I'm afraid of these thoughts.
I'm scared to live, because somehow...
I still want to die.
I still want to commit.
But...

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