Morning Musings

It's not even 9 in the morning and I'm cabbing to Jurong Island, which is literally on the other side of Singapore since I live in the east. 

Moments like these sometimes make me wonder exactly what I'm doing with my life.

I glance at my calendar and notice how full it always is now - I've got event after event to cover. If I just look at today's plans I've got two stories to write out, one for today's event and one for last Tuesday's.

I need to focus, but I'm so tired. I'm not kidding, I'm really drained. I'm hoping to use the weekend to just sleep at home all day.

I've got work to worry about, and also I wonder about J. We've barely talked, and even when we did there was barely any conversation at all. 

I don't know where this is going. On another note I'm scared to even look at the taxi's meter - it's an hour-long journey and I don't even want to know how poor I'm going to be after this. Money gods up there, be nice to a poor intern please :( 

But back to point. I don't know what to think or do about J. We're on completely different frequencies, and I sometimes feel that all I am to him is weird, and when he says that I'm interesting it doesn't help to make me feel a little less like a zoo exhibit to him.

I feel like I'm "interesting" to him because I'm weird.

And I'm broken, I'm damaged goods. And I don't feel like I can tell him my issues, show him my darker side because something tells me he won't get it, and something tells me he might actually make it worse by cracking some joke about it or saying something that could trigger a reaction in me.

I think too deeply and brood too much; he thinks too simply and focuses on the things I consider insignificant at times. Unless I can find a way to bridge this gap, I'm still stuck not knowing what to do. And this doesn't help the fact that I'm on hiatus.


And when my mood swings, I need someone who'll know what to do. Because my moods are uncontrollable.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What's Your Patronus?

Image
What's a patronus? According to Professor Lupin, it "is a kind of Anti-Dementor - a guardian which acts as a shield between you and the Dementor". It basically conjures an incarnation of the caster's innermost positive feelings, such as joy or hope, and is a weapon rather than a predator of souls. Patronuses shield their conjurors from Dementors, and can even drive them away. They can also be used to send messages. Well. I've always wondered what my patronus would be. Once upon a long-ass time ago when I was in Primary School, I'd have said that my patronus was a dog, mostly because my favourite animal back then was a dog (of course, that was way before I realised exactly how awkward I am around animals). Then a few years after that when I was in Secondary School, I would have said that my patronus was a tortoise or a turtle, for reasons that I'd prefer not to say. And then after I graduated from NAS, I asked myself again what my patronus co...
Read more

Red.

Image
I always dye my hair red - I started dyeing it two years ago after I completed my internship because I felt that it was time, I was ready, and I haven't dyed it a different colour ever since. Of course, constant dye jobs do nothing for the hair, which is why I allowed mum to nag me into doing a henna job on my hair instead of the usual bright red I ask of the hairstylist. The result is that my hair now looks orangey instead of red, which is what I expected but nevertheless found myself incredibly disappointed with. (The irony is that I never have such complaints about my hair colour whenever my red fades to orange within the first two weeks of the fresh dye.) Tsuki-kun told me that he felt the orange suited me better since the red was too bright, but I can't quite bring myself to agree with him. See, the thing about red is that I chose the colour myself - it was the colour I was absolutely sure that I wanted for myself, and I never regretted the colour. Sur...
Read more

Break The Mirror. Please.

Image
I don't want to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I don't want to see my reflection, I don't want to see that ugly girl staring back at me. Those pleading eyes. She wants me to do something, anything, just so she doesn't look so ugly. She's fat and ugly. Hideous, both inside and outside. All she wants is to stop thinking. Because every time she does, the knife inches ever closer to her heart. She will never be as perfect as her . She just wants to stop looking. Shut up. Just shut up. Stop comparing. I know I'm ugly. Stop thinking. Leave me alone! She wants to stop seeing all the fat bits, all the wobbly jiggly bits that she aches to just cut off. Just grab a knife and slice them all off and she won't be so FAT . She won't be so UGLY . She just wants to kill herself. Please?
Read more