Cold

Have you ever felt so much

all at one go

that something inside you snaps

and you stop feeling?

It feels like a literal snap

like something stretched too far and broke

And the pain is so sharp 

you find yourself blinking back tears

And then the tears stop.

And each breath you take

Is just another way your body forces you to live

even though your mind screams

NO

All you want is to stop breathing

or at least

Remember something

Anything

That resembles the slightest bit of emotion

And sometimes you have flashes of 

Sparks

that feel suspiciously like

GriefHappinessLonelinessHopeSadnessAngerConfusion

But like sparks... They disappear.

And slowly you start pretending to feel

just so there aren't questions

Don't know how to explain the thoughts that

race through your mind and tangle themselves up

How:

Your favourite music doesn't touch you anymore, no matter how you listen.

You don't feel anything watching your favourite shows.

You feel detached from the books you read.

You don't know how to react to people anymore.

And so another mask

so simple, so real

Just like all the others

place it over your face 

But a mask can only hide so much

when your eyes are dead

No one will believe you

No matter how well the mask is made

No matter how the scene is played out.

Is this what they call "emotionally tired"?

They never described how the fatigue starts to seep through the mask

Never mentioned how each breath becomes a chore

How the smallest movements like lifting your head becomes so hard

They never mentioned the shadow that follows

Day

Night

Everywhere

And nowhere.

They never mentioned the dreams.

They never told you how each smile you crack

each laugh you force to bubble up from your throat

Never told you how hard it'd be to do it.

No one said it'd be this hard to just talk

No one said how easy it'd be to make false conversation

No one said how you wouldn't know what to say if anyone asked you if you were alright

No one told you how you'd genuinely talk, genuinely smile and laugh and then panic thinking that you'd slip back into the mask after your while of genuine somewhat-feeling.

No one told you what to do

when you were getting okay

But you're getting bad again

and there's nothing you can do to stop it

No one told you how you'd wish and wish

For someone to just hug you and not let go

And you could just cry and sob and scream

Anything to force some feeling back into yourself

Because it's cold

So cold

And no one said anything about the cold no

Only the darkness but that was fine just the cold so much cold everywhere

And you seem okay

But the cold is everywhere

And you can't fight it anymore

Because it's not physical it's everywhere else