Confessions

I did it.

After 4 years of waiting, 4 years of unwavering loyalty, 4 years of wasting away...

I did it. I confessed.

After 4 long years of crushing on the same guy, I finally confessed to him. 

Okay, so here's the story - As you all know (if you read the first few posts that I ever made on this blog back when it was still known as hauntedsoulatmidnight.blogspot.com), I have had a massive crush on this senior of mine ever since I was in secondary two. The thing was, this crush of mine continued even after he graduated when I was in secondary three (he's one year older than I am) and it stayed with me even after I entered TP.

Long story short - I've been crushing on the same guy for FOUR YEARS. There really isn't much else to say about that.

So for some reason, he asked me to have dinner with him today. Get this: we haven't talked in FOUR YEARS. And all of a sudden he asks if I'm free to grab dinner with him today. I said yes, and was a nervous wreck throughout the whole day (duh!).

Dinner was okay, if not uneventful. But it was talking to him that made me realise exactly how much 4 years had changed me, and how he hadn't changed one bit. And it also made me realise how little we had in common, how little we actually knew about each other.

So I decided that I'd had enough, that waiting 4 years hadn't changed anything. Whatever I saw in him in my secondary school days, I couldn't find in him any more. He was as friendly and charming as ever. He was still an old friend of mine. But I just didn't feel that attracted to him any more.

When we said goodbye, I hesitated so many times before boarding my bus. I felt that I had to say something, but couldn't bring myself to say it. At least, that was until I couldn't take it any more, got off at the next stop and called him.

I basically told him that I'd been crazy about him ever since secondary two, but that didn't matter any more because I no longer felt that way about him.

His reaction wasn't bad, but it wasn't what I'd expected (rejection) or even hoped for (perhaps something else...?). Either way, it didn't hurt me, and I was able to talk as normally as I could. What's done is done, and I feel so relieved now. The voices are still in my head, and the sadness will never go away, but I feel more relieved now, a bit lighter, like a burden has been lifted off my chest somewhat. I feel free.

It feels like a chapter of my book has been closed, and I'm now moving on to the next one. Ready to continue my story on a fresh page, a new chapter.

(And according to Xinyi, I'm now single and ready to mingle, ready to look out for cute guys without feeling guilty. Haha!)

I once said that I'd put his name up here one day. Perhaps that day is today.

Tan Sheng Han.

I've been absolutely crazy about you ever since I was in sec2. I don't think you ever noticed (or maybe you did but just dismissed it as me acting weird), and that's why I managed to keep crushing on you for 4 years, I guess. The problem was that I realised that what I was crushing on were memories, nothing more. And well, I think the moment I realised that, this crush didn't seem to matter any more. I wonder what you thought when I told you about my crush on you, and how I didn't feel that way any more.

Well... Stay happy, okay? Because I genuinely hope that you'll be happy, like you once told me to be. "Whenever you're feeling down, always remember to look at the sky." I think we'll continue being friends (if you want to, I don't mind), but I just wanted to say this. I used to think I loved you.

And now I still do, but only as a friend.

And me telling you this isn't because I want to date you or anything. It's actually because I just want you to know that after 4 years of you not knowing, I've finally moved on.

So, thank you. :)

For everything. Having a crush on you was actually one of the best experiences of my life, I kid you not. And hey, we can always go grab dinner again sometime. Yakusoku suru desu!