I Beg You. (Personal)

Would you believe me if I told you that being ignored is an actual form of torture for me?

Part of this is because I’d always been ignored as a child, as the kid who never knew what to talk about with kids her age (no one I knew liked to read when I was a kid!) and was never mature enough to join in on the “adult” conversations. Did I mention that the way I talked meant that I was often made fun of? For some reason, my inability to speak Singlish like the other kids meant that I was usually the subject of teasing and bullying until I learned how to bite before I got bitten, so to speak.

As I grew up into my secondary school years, I quickly found out that I was to be the kid who would never truly be a part of the majority. No one I knew liked what I liked, and the way I talked quickly distanced me from a few. I was so glad when I met the two groups of friends who accepted me into the group, even though I didn't quite fit in.  Even now, I sometimes still thank whoever’s up there for allowing me to meet such amazing friends. I don’t know what I might have done if I hadn't met either group.

 So I graduated from secondary school with two groups of good friends. And now in poly… Everyone has their cliques, and I still don’t know where I fit in. I've got a clique, but we hardly ever get to see one another because we’re in different classes, and we’re all involved in different activities and events and whatnot. There’s another clique I'm in, but I usually feel that I don’t quite belong. It’s not a good or bad thing, because I do like them very much (they’re awesome people, they really are), it’s just that they’re on Channel A, for example, and I'm on Channel B. We’re on two different frequencies, and it’s difficult to “tune in” to their channel sometimes.

I'm also a part of the Drama seniors’ clique, I suppose… Don’t get me wrong, I do love them, I have since day one, but… I simply don’t fit in. I don’t speak Malay, for one, and there are so many things that I don’t understand. I've kind of just given up on trying to understand what’s going on and ended up smiling even though I don’t know what everyone’s talking about. And whatsapp groups… I know that I don’t have much in common with them, even though we’re all friends, but honestly, the inside jokes, the gossip sessions, the non-English conversations, the groups of which I'm not a part of…

I understand. But it doesn't make the hurt any less.

I'm not an attention-seeking person, and I definitely don’t bask in any spotlight or glory or whatever. I don’t seek to be the centre of attention, because I'm shy and get uncomfortable with large amounts of people focusing their attention on me sometimes. (Of course, that’s unless I'm in the zone where I can entertain large crowds and all, but that’s another story. Different side of me.) The thing is, all I want is very simple – I just don’t want to be ignored.

Being ignored is like a form of torture to me. When I try to talk to someone and they just don’t hear me or walk past me or something, it’s the same as taking a knife and sliding it through my ribs. And twisting it. Something in me just collapses and I can’t fight off the waves of hurt that consume me. It's like you don't even exist to the person. I act like nothing’s happened, but on the inside, believe me, I'm suffocating because something inside, the self-doubt, the self-hate… They've got their hands wrapped around my neck and they’re strangling me. On the inside, I'm suffocating and dying and crying so hard. I'm a mess on the inside.

You might think that I'm exaggerating as usual, or I'm attention-seeking, or that I'm just plain pathetic, but please. I will actually get down on my knees and beg you.

Please don’t ignore me.

Because to me, being ignored is the same as a slow, painful death. 18 years of being ignored in general… I beg you, no more.

I beg you.

You don't know how it hurts me,

how it kills me,

every time someone ignores me.

So please. Don't do this to me.