One of Those Nights








Because tonight is one of those nights, one where all I want to do is curl up in a ball and let the cold emptiness take over me. It's one of those nights when I don't feel anything at all, and if I try to force myself to feel something, anything... I have to bite the tears back. I'm sad, so sad, and I don't know why.

I talked to a friend today. We weren't exactly close, which I suppose made things easier, in the sense of sharing personal stories. I guess we're closer now, but we weren't before the bus ride home. I won't share what we talked about, especially since some of it's personal to me and the rest is personal to him, but at the end of the bus journey he shocked me by thanking me and saying that he learned a lot from me. He even said he owed me something, simply because I had apparently taught him something.

I wanted to laugh it off, to smile and talk lightly. I guess I did, somewhat. But honestly, I felt like crying when he said that. I don't have anything worthwhile to teach, to show anyone.

The truth is that nobody owes me anything. Nobody ever owes a nothing anything. I'm always the one who needs people around when she's upset but is never there for anyone when they need me. I'm the selfish one, the one who shouldn't be treated like an equal. I shouldn't even have friends - I'm never there for them when they need it. Whenever they need me, I'm not there.

So take whatever you want, whatever you need from me. Take it all, and never thank me for it.
Because every time you do, my heart breaks from the undeserved gratitude.

Can I tear mine off?
I'm no angel, but there are many parts of me that I can tear off all the same.

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