Confused Thoughts

I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to feel.
I don't even know who the fuck you are.
I haven't seen you ever since my first Chinese New Year, which according to mum was when I visited you as a 1-year-old child.

I think I hate you.
Some part of me always has.
I've always hated all of you.
You never bothered with my existence as a child.
Your own mother never even really treated me as her grandchild.

You've never even bothered till you noticed that I was starting to mature, to grow up.
All of a sudden you want me to come visit during CNY, because you've all "missed" me.
Or is it just to show me off as the well-behaved grandchild of yours?
I'm sorry but no.
I'm no one's grandchild but my maternal grandmother's.

And now you, uncle, you say you miss me.
I didn't know whether to scoff, laugh or react with disgust.
You haven't seen me since I was 1.
I'm sure you've missed me that much, seeing how none of you have ever bothered to even stay in contact.
Never even tried to talk to your niece.

But seeing you lying there, unable to move, unable to breathe...
Constantly in pain, with your eyes shut tight.
Probably to try blocking out the agony you must be in.
Cancer eating away at your body.
Stage 4.

Your son said you probably wouldn't make it past 3 months.
I saw the pain glimmering in his adult eyes.
I would have comforted him, but how do you comfort a complete stranger?
Someone you should know but don't?
We don't even know each other's names.

I think I feel sorry for you.
You said you missed my dad.
Who would believe you?
You severed ties with him, 16 years ago.
Why should he trust you?

Why should I trust you?

Mum showed me her wedding pictures. You were there.
A big strapping man, now wasted away and gaunt in that bed...
It's shocking.
Your hands all shrivelled up and shaking.
Heat packets stuffed into your pockets because you're always shivering.

But I somehow feel sorry for you.
No matter what you've done, what hate I have for you...
Seeing cancer take a life isn't fun.
And well, this isn't something I'd ever wish on anyone.
Mum says we'll be visiting more often.

I don't understand how she can be so generous towards the family that's hated her from the start.
But I guess I'll be seeing you...
Uncle.

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