Retrospective

It's interesting how you can be in a place for close to three years and never really notice something.

For instance, there's an old guy who sells ice cream at the school's main bus stop. It's interesting because we've never actually stopped to buy an ice cream from him before, but Juliana and I decided to get some while walking from school (we stayed late to discuss and practice for an upcoming event - slightly nervous!) and chat.

Peppermint Choc Chip ice cream nom nom nom.

I won't say what we talked about, because it's quite personal to the both of us.

But I found my mind drifting afterwards while in the bus home, and it somehow ended up thinking quite a bit about what happened slightly more than a month ago.

I'm pretty over it, I have to say. I mean, it's already over, and whatever that happened has already happened. But it got me thinking.

I cried that night over a month ago, for multiple reasons. I'm not proud when I cry, because I consider it weakness on my part (it sounds so bloody clichéd, but my dad focused quite a lot on me being "strong" when I was younger. Suffice to say the "being strong" thing has kind of stuck even till today), but the tearfest was something I needed at that moment.

I cried because some part of me finally accepted that I had to grow up. I could no longer hold on to my childish, naive beliefs when it came to matters of the heart, simply because whatever I thought could be... Couldn't.

You know what I mean?

Whatever silly little fantasies I had formed from reading too much had to go down the drain. All my foolish hopes, stupid little scenarios... They all had to go. There was no such thing as a perfect first date. All that "what you imagine your ideal date to be"... Well, they were just silly little fantasies, and thinking about them usually resulted in a strange combination of sadness and longing in your heart.

And it was that night that I realised how much easier it was to stay on indefinite hiatus. It was so much easier to close my eyes and tell myself that I would always be alone, that no one would notice me, that I could ignore those who looked at me like I was a time bomb because I was 19 and still single.

It's interesting because when I talked to my (now ex) colleagues while on internship, they told me that I was so young. I was only 19. It was interesting because when you're in poly, everyone around you is telling you that you're already 19 and should be worried.

I know I don't want to listen to them, and I know that I definitely want to be focusing on my studies and friends and trying to be happy (or at least close as I can be), but it's difficult sometimes.

I still know what I envision my "perfect" date to be.

It's a simple little thing, so simple I feel embarrassed to share it out here. 

It'll always be at the back of my mind, for me to look at whenever I feel like I want that curious concoction of longing and sadness in my system.

And I'm back on hiatus. Again.

It sucks to say it, but really.

It's easier.

Lonely as hell, but easier.

Perhaps I should stick to looking at those I know are unattainable.

People like Tom Cruise back when he was in Top Gun (yes I just watched it, he was so young but damn he sure seemed old enough for me).

He was 23 back then - that's pretty young!

(I like older guys, I won't deny it hrmmhrmmhrmm)

I think I'll just focus on his looks here though.

That and his confidence/cockiness in the movie.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

And I'm totally in love with this clip from Grease at the moment - it's so cute how they react to each other!