Scrap

So I showed my mum the MagEd stuff I rushed today in the lab (she was curious about what I had to do in school besides grumble about deadlines) and she told my dad that the pictures I took were good.

My dad's a photographer, so I know it's no use even trying to compare my so-called skills against his, but it hurts all the same when he tells me straight to my face that I don't take good pictures. It hurt even more when he said that once about my Instagram account, which I'm rather proud of because I tell myself that it's okay to be crap with a DSLR when my iPhone pictures aren't so bad.

Well, back to the current story. My dad didn't even look at my laptop, just grunted. It was pretty clear that it was his way of agreeing with what my mum said without having to lie since he wasn't looking at the pictures I took. It was his way of saying that he still didn't think I could take photos worth a damn but didn't want to say it out loud.

It hurt, like always.

But I forced myself to smile and told my mum that it was okay, I knew my photos weren't good and besides, I knew I was (somewhat) stronger with words than with a DSLR.

Did it still hurt?
Of course it did.


But did it disguise the hurt?
Of course.
***********************************************************

Sometimes,  It often feels like nothing I do will ever please my dad - nothing I do will ever prove me worthy in his eyes. I sometimes like to tell myself that maybe all he wanted was a son, not a daughter. I've been telling myself that more often than not lately, it's a rather twisted way of comforting myself.

Maybe it's because it feels better to tell myself that the reason why it feels like he doesn't want me around 

Maybe it's because it feels better to tell myself that it might not be my fault why it always feels like he doesn't want me around, instead of listening to the shadow inside that lovingly whispers that yes, it is entirely my fault that he doesn't want me, because I'm useless.

..............................................................
I'm sorry, I don't know how I digressed like that.
It was supposed to be about the stupid assignment that I allowed myself to feel proud about, because I finally managed to do a little something on a Macbook.
Using Adobe Software.
A combination which has always intimidated me.

Please, feel free to ignore this piece of scrap here.
I'm just tired.

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