For we must all learn to howl.

Although I said we’d never part, that you would always be in my heart, We come to realize Fate gets her way and so to you now I must say: “Adios, mi amor; Goodbye, my love.” And as you turn to look at me, your eyes fill up with tears. “How could we part?” you ask of me. “I’ve loved you from the start.” “Adios, mi amor; Goodbye, my love.” is all that I can say. “My time on this earth is short; I’ll soon be on my way.” Ten years I’ve lain on this deathbed, and still you’ve loved me so. My candle flickers; it’s time to go. “Adios, mi amor.”

Yeah, I guess this is true. I seem to be posting on my blog more often than I actually take the time to write in my diary. I can't really help it - it's just way too convenient to blog instead of write... Sigh but now I have way too many empty notebooks in my room. XD Oh, for CW this week I need to bring a picture that's significant to me. And I have absolutely nothing. The first picture that popped into my mind when the tutor said we needed such a picture was that I had a picture I took with Rikugame-kun back in secondary school, but I quickly pushed that thought away. I didn't quite need for myself to have a complete breakdown in class, thanks very much. I have a nice photo of my dad and I when we went to Hokkaido for the first time, but what could I possibly say? "This was me when I was in P5, yes, still no change from how I look now, and that's my dad. We look really close, because we were, but then we're not close anymore." Yeah, fun much. ...

I tend the mobile now like an injured bird. We text, text, text our significant words. I re-read your first, your second, your third. look for your small xx, feeling absurd. The codes we send arrive with a broken chord. I try to picture your hands, their image is blurred. Nothing my thumbs press will ever be heard. We read this poem during last week's CW tutorial, and honestly as I read the poem I found my head inching closer and closer to the desk in an effort to conceal the tears that were threatening to spill from my eyes. When our tutor asked the class for an opinion, asking what we felt about the poem, I busied myself by taking notes, by writing my thoughts on the poem and what Carol Ann Duffy could possibly have meant with what she wrote. Here are my thoughts: " I tend the mobile now like an injured bird. " She's constantly checking her phone, "tending" to it, and probably likens it to an injured bird because she's treati...

Rikugame-kun is no more. This is one sentence that looks so simple, yet took me a grand total of 10 minutes to type out because I couldn't bring myself to do it. For those of you who might be confused, I'd better explain. I just found out yesterday that Rikugame-kun has a girlfriend, and that they've been together since this year. Can you hear my heart shatter? Can you feel it crack and slowly break into pieces as you read this? I hardly think that I'm being overdramatic, because this is literally how I feel. I feel like an icy-cold knife has been plunged into my heart and then twisted. I can barely breathe. I saw his pictures on Facebook yesterday, and that was when my heart stopped. That was when I asked Xinyi to help me check, because she knows who Rikugame-kun is and also knows Facebook better than I do. So she confirmed what I saw. Whoever said that ignorance was bliss really had it right. I wish I'd never seen those photos, I wish I'd never ...

Ask and you shall receive. Is that not what is said? I’d asked my question, and I’d waited for my answer. I guess, now… I have no choice. I was expecting this day to come, and yet… And yet, I am unprepared. I was unprepared for the knife that stabbed through my heart, For the dagger that twisted so and shattered me inside. I thought I would be fine, until I glanced at the photos of you. No one could have controlled the tears that fell unbidden from my eyes, as I drank in the sight of you and her so happy, so content. So in love. The wolf whispered that I didn’t deserve him, but those words filled my heart with pain. How can I erase someone who has been all that I thought of for four years now?

It's over. I'm done. Four years of my life, wasted. But you know what's the worst thing? I can't cry. No matter how much I want to, I can't cry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BcitFA8kcA I love this song, and Kimeru is such an amazing person. He's so flawless it's almost painful watching him. I can't help but fangirl over this video, again and again and again! He's so sexy, sigh~~~ And the meaning in this song touches me so much that I'm crying again. I seem to be doing that a lot now, huh. [Japanese] Dakishimeta omoi ga ai ni naru yo ni Ochiteyuku hoshi no hayasa ni ude wo nobashite Isso setsunaku kimi dakedo kizutsukinagara Miageta hoshizora wa furisosoide Butsukariau kokoro made isogashii machi Soba ni itemo hanareru kata Deatta koto ga konna ni sabishii nara Ima bokura wa hakanai netsu Karametemo kogoeteru yubisaki ga Eien wo tsukamezu tachisukusu Dakishimeta omoi ga ai ni naru yo ni Ochiteyuku hoshi no hayasa ni ude wo nobashite Isso setsunaku kimi dakedo kizutsukinagara Miageta hoshizora wa furisosoide Kaketa kimochi wa soko kara miroku natte Suna ...

I'm so tired. I have 3 major assignments to hand in by next week, and I'm not even 50% complete with them. At most, I have my idea for what to do. I'm still seeing things. I'm still hearing things. I keep seeing things, thoughts, images flash through my mind. I think I'm going insane. Really and truly insane. I'm depressed. Right now I just want to talk to Rikugame-kun, and finally, finally tell him how I feel. Because I don't know who I'm supposed to belong to anymore. Everyone belongs to someone, and for the longest time, I have always quietly believed that a large part of me belonged to Rikugame-kun. But now I'm so confused that almost every night I sit and cry. I'm so confused, and so torn, and it hurts so much. I'm wishing so badly for a darkness I can fall into and never leave. I'm conflicted because I'm pushing and pulling, pushing and pulling... I know that "we" are not possible. It can only end in pain. We...

You know how this goes by now. I own neither song nor lyrics (though I wish I did, this is truly beautiful). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTzZ3KAxV1E&feature=related Too late - this is not the answer I need to pack in I can't pull your heart together With just my voice alone One thousand shards of glass I came to meet you in You cut the peace out of me And as you ripped it all apart, That's when I turned to watch you And as the light in you in the dark I saw you turn to shadow If you would salvage some part of you that once new love But I'm losing this And I'm losing you Oh I've gotta turn and run From faces that you never see Oh I've gotta save my blood From all that you broken Pack up these pieces of me It's too late now to stop the process This was your choice - you let it in This double life you lead is eating you up from within One thousand shards of glass you pushed beneath my skin And left me lying there to bleed And as you showed me your s...

Once again, I don't own the song or the lyrics. Just in the kind of mood when a song will tell you more than my words ever can, so enjoy. :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5O90uzvUA4 I'm not strong enough to stay away Can't run from you I just run back to you Like a moth I'm drawn into your flame You say my name but it's not the same You look in my eyes I'm stripped of my pride And my soul surrenders And you bring my heart to its knees And it's killing me when you're away And I wanna leave And I wanna stay And I'm so confused So hard to choose between the pleasure and the pain And I know it's wrong And I know it's right And even if I tried to win the fight My heart would overrule my mind And I'm not strong enough to stay away I'm not strong enough to stay away What can I do I would die without you In your presence my heart knows no shame I'm not to blame 'Cause you bring my heart to its knees And it's killing me ...

Double post for tonight, I know. It's just... I hardly get the time to write in my diary anymore, and Twitter isn't quite the place to let everything out, so... This is all I have, I guess. I've been thinking. A lot. I've talked to Xinyi about Rikugame-kun calling my mum, and asking her why something like that happened when I was clearly supposed to be doing my best to survive without Rikugame-kun in my life. I mean, as though my ban from calling and texting him didn't make that clear enough. I asked her why God would do something like that, and she told me that it felt like He was testing me. Why test me? And test me on what exactly? To see which choice I make? To see which path I take towards self-destruction maybe? I'm a freethinker, but I do wonder what God's purpose in doing certain things is. Like right now, I wonder what He's trying to accomplish by setting me this "test". I've said before, why test me? And how am I to know whi...

Three years. A thousand and ninety-five days. Twenty-six thousand, two hundred and eighty hours. A million, five hundred seventy-six thousand, eight hundred minutes. This is how long I have Held onto you Cried over you Thought about you Missed you Loved you. Even after so long, I am still unsure. Do you think about me? Maybe, just maybe, do you miss me? ………Screw that. Do you even remember me? I have waited for you. I have wanted you to turn around and realize that No matter where you go, there is someone here. Someone who, unwaveringly, waits, loves and wonders. But even time cannot stop, will not cease its running. And what am I to do When another appears? Am I to refuse? To turn my head from possible happiness? Am I to accept, to throw my memories of you away like they mean naught to me? I cannot keep running from the truth. I feel for you what I fear to feel for another. I have been so selfish, so merciless in...

For Creative Writing class last week, we read this piece of writing by Haruki Murukami: On seeing the 100% perfect girl one beautiful April morning. The piece of writing basically described how he happened to walk past this girl who was to him his 100% perfect girl. She wasn't exceptionally beautiful, nor was she particularly remarkable. It just happened to be that she was perfect for him. He could feel it. But the problem was, they were complete strangers. Plus, what if she was the 100% perfect girl for him, but he wasn't the 100% perfect boy for her? How terribly disappointing it would be for him, don't you think? Anyway, go read the piece. It's awfully short, but it's a pretty interesting read all the same. So we were tasked this: to either write a letter to our 100% perfect person, or write a scene in which we run into our 100% perfect person for the first time. I chose the letter. It would be easier for me to write, seeing how I'd be able to make it as pe...