No More

Rikugame-kun is no more.

This is one sentence that looks so simple, yet took me a grand total of 10 minutes to type out because I couldn't bring myself to do it.

For those of you who might be confused, I'd better explain.

I just found out yesterday that Rikugame-kun has a girlfriend, and that they've been together since this year. Can you hear my heart shatter? Can you feel it crack and slowly break into pieces as you read this? I hardly think that I'm being overdramatic, because this is literally how I feel. I feel like an icy-cold knife has been plunged into my heart and then twisted. I can barely breathe.

I saw his pictures on Facebook yesterday, and that was when my heart stopped. That was when I asked Xinyi to help me check, because she knows who Rikugame-kun is and also knows Facebook better than I do. So she confirmed what I saw. Whoever said that ignorance was bliss really had it right. I wish I'd never seen those photos, I wish I'd never asked Xinyi to help me check, I wish I'd never fallen for Rikugame-kun in the first fucking place.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say or how to react to this. I want to cry so badly, but for some reason my eyes are dry. For some reason, I'm so calm and numb, and it scares me because I know that there will be a point when I completely lose it and break down. And I don't want to see how far I fall when that happens. I don't know when or where I'm going to just break down and cry everything out, but it will happen.

I must admit, I saw this coming. I expected something like this to happen. Almost everyone I know warned me about this, saying that I would only hurt myself by holding on to him. But you know what? I was stubborn. I was stupid, and naive. I told myself that holding on for a little longer, just a little longer, wouldn't possibly hurt. I was expecting this to happen, but didn't expect that it actually would happen. And after talking to Laetitia last Thursday, I'd actually half-contemplated confessing to him. To get it over and done with, and hopefully move on.

And now this happens. Well, thanks for the sign, God. Thanks a whole fucking lot.

Xinyi comforted me over the phone, talking to me and just letting me rant in whatever broken sentences my mind threw out. I wasn't making any sense - All I was saying was that oh God, I was such a fool, and why didn't I listen to anyone, and everyone warned me but I didn't listen, and I wasted four years of my life on this, and I must look so stupid to him, and he must be laughing at me now.

After I hung up, I felt slightly better, and decided that it was time to do something stupid again.

I went back to Facebook to see the photos.

I thought that because I was feeling so empty, and because I was so calm and numb, maybe looking at the photos wouldn't hurt. And then I looked at their pictures - him with his arm around her shoulders, him hugging her, the two of them laughing, having fun, acting like two young people very much in love... I couldn't take it. I just sat down and cried. Not a lot, but I cried.

And then I looked at myself in the mirror.

Puffy eyes from crying...

Small, slitty eyes...

Ugly yellow skin tone...

Glasses...

Short stature...

Dressing like a tomboy...

Not smart enough, never smart enough...

Compared to her...

Dressing so feminine, the way a proper girl would dress...

No glasses...

Bright smile...

Pale white skin tone, the kind that most guys would love...

Probably really smart...

I almost shattered the mirror.