Dear Rikugame-kun...
For Creative Writing class last week, we read this piece of writing by Haruki Murukami: On seeing the 100% perfect girl one beautiful April morning. The piece of writing basically described how he happened to walk past this girl who was to him his 100% perfect girl. She wasn't exceptionally beautiful, nor was she particularly remarkable. It just happened to be that she was perfect for him. He could feel it. But the problem was, they were complete strangers. Plus, what if she was the 100% perfect girl for him, but he wasn't the 100% perfect boy for her? How terribly disappointing it would be for him, don't you think? Anyway, go read the piece. It's awfully short, but it's a pretty interesting read all the same.
So we were tasked this: to either write a letter to our 100% perfect person, or write a scene in which we run into our 100% perfect person for the first time. I chose the letter. It would be easier for me to write, seeing how I'd be able to make it as personal as I wanted. This is what I wrote:
Dear Rikugame-kun,
You may not know it, but you are my 100% perfect person. It may be a bit of a shock to you - after all, I've only really known you for two years.
When I first saw you, I must admit that I didn't quite like you. You aren't what most others would consider particularly handsome (not to mention that when I first saw you two years ago, your skin problem was quite an issue. I was shallow. Whatever.), though I admired you for being smart. That was all it was, admiration and nothing else.
It seems ridiculous to call you my 100% perfect person then, doesn't it? Not really. During those two years, those two precious years, I worked with you, I got to see sides of you that you might not have shown to others, I have no idea, I got to know some of your secrets.
And basically, I fell for you. You became my 100% perfect person.
But you had to leave, didn't you? You had to go, to forge your own path, to create your own destiny in this harsh world. And I had my own path to walk, my personal dreams to follow.
I haven't seen you in three years. I haven't heard your laugh, joked with you, had my hair ruffled by you, in three years. And I miss you. You know that, don't you?
Even after these three years, you'll still be gone. I still won't see you for what, ten years? Who knows?
I don't know if I am your 100% perfect girl, but to me you are my 100% perfect boy. Even if I have to wait ten years, I will wait.
Ne, Rikugame-kun...
Aishiteru yo.
Yes, it's quite melodramatic. This is how I write, in case you haven't noticed. I've made a few minor changes from the original letter, but this is still extremely personal. Our tutor wanted to read the letters out (after all, I wasn't the only student in the class who opted to do the letter) and quite a few refused, but my friend Laetitia and I were quite fine with having our letters read out, as long as we weren't the ones reading them out loud. So we did a letter swap and read each other's pieces in the end.
It was somewhat ironic that our tutor said my letter had a very interesting story and that it could be further developed into a story. I just didn't have the heart to tell her that this was real. Anyway, if you still don't know or can't tell who Rikugame-kun is, shame on you. That's all I'll say, haha.
But moving on from the letter. If you've read my previous posts, you'll notice that I'm talking about two people now - Rikugame-kun and someone else, I'm not telling who. But I was supposed to sort my feelings out about Rikugame-kun and hopefully, prayerfully, get over him. I mean come on, I've even gotten banned from talking to him. I was only allowed to wish him happy birthday on Facebook. Other than that, I've not been allowed to text or call him, or write to him (although that makes no difference since he's never replied to any of my letters).
I thought I was doing okay. I'm a broken, miserable mess who doesn't know what the fuck she's doing, but I'm surviving. I'm not dead yet. And even though I still have a mountain of problems weighing down on me, I'm surviving. That's all I'm doing right now, surviving. Going through each day and barely making it out alive. Even my dreams have started to haunt me. I've been bolting upright in my bed these past nights, snapping awake multiple times in the night for no reason at all, and it's freaking me the fuck out.
But I digress. What I wanted to say was that Rikugame-kun called my mum tonight.
He. Called. My. Mum.
Why did he call her? Apparently, she'd called him twice by accident. You know, those phone-in-my-pocket-yet-it-just-happened-to-call-random-people kind of scenarios. Though how a freaking iPhone that's password-protected can do that, I have no idea. So yeah, he called her, wanting to know why she'd called him twice. Like, was there any emergency, did she want to talk to him, was anyone dead or dying maybe, that kind of thing. And yes, to answer any queries, he and my mum are cool. I swear she loves him.
I want to cry so much. I feel so lost. I want to ask god or whoever else might be listening up there, what's the whole point of shoving Rikugame-kun back into my life? Wasn't I supposed to be getting over him, slowly and painfully? Wasn't everyone telling me that liking him for three years straight was unhealthy? Why did he have to call my mum? Did she call him on purpose or was it really sheer dumb coincidence? Am I supposed to be some kind of joke to the universe, maybe?
I'm so confused. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sick of this. Do you have any idea how painful it is to try pulling someone from your heart, your memories, and then have him jump back into your life like nothing ever mattered? To hear my mum mention his name so casually... It's like all I did, all the tears I cried, all the times I felt so sad... It was all for nothing.
One I push away, one I try to forget. Why.....?
So we were tasked this: to either write a letter to our 100% perfect person, or write a scene in which we run into our 100% perfect person for the first time. I chose the letter. It would be easier for me to write, seeing how I'd be able to make it as personal as I wanted. This is what I wrote:
Dear Rikugame-kun,
You may not know it, but you are my 100% perfect person. It may be a bit of a shock to you - after all, I've only really known you for two years.
When I first saw you, I must admit that I didn't quite like you. You aren't what most others would consider particularly handsome (not to mention that when I first saw you two years ago, your skin problem was quite an issue. I was shallow. Whatever.), though I admired you for being smart. That was all it was, admiration and nothing else.
It seems ridiculous to call you my 100% perfect person then, doesn't it? Not really. During those two years, those two precious years, I worked with you, I got to see sides of you that you might not have shown to others, I have no idea, I got to know some of your secrets.
And basically, I fell for you. You became my 100% perfect person.
But you had to leave, didn't you? You had to go, to forge your own path, to create your own destiny in this harsh world. And I had my own path to walk, my personal dreams to follow.
I haven't seen you in three years. I haven't heard your laugh, joked with you, had my hair ruffled by you, in three years. And I miss you. You know that, don't you?
Even after these three years, you'll still be gone. I still won't see you for what, ten years? Who knows?
I don't know if I am your 100% perfect girl, but to me you are my 100% perfect boy. Even if I have to wait ten years, I will wait.
Ne, Rikugame-kun...
Aishiteru yo.
Yes, it's quite melodramatic. This is how I write, in case you haven't noticed. I've made a few minor changes from the original letter, but this is still extremely personal. Our tutor wanted to read the letters out (after all, I wasn't the only student in the class who opted to do the letter) and quite a few refused, but my friend Laetitia and I were quite fine with having our letters read out, as long as we weren't the ones reading them out loud. So we did a letter swap and read each other's pieces in the end.
It was somewhat ironic that our tutor said my letter had a very interesting story and that it could be further developed into a story. I just didn't have the heart to tell her that this was real. Anyway, if you still don't know or can't tell who Rikugame-kun is, shame on you. That's all I'll say, haha.
But moving on from the letter. If you've read my previous posts, you'll notice that I'm talking about two people now - Rikugame-kun and someone else, I'm not telling who. But I was supposed to sort my feelings out about Rikugame-kun and hopefully, prayerfully, get over him. I mean come on, I've even gotten banned from talking to him. I was only allowed to wish him happy birthday on Facebook. Other than that, I've not been allowed to text or call him, or write to him (although that makes no difference since he's never replied to any of my letters).
I thought I was doing okay. I'm a broken, miserable mess who doesn't know what the fuck she's doing, but I'm surviving. I'm not dead yet. And even though I still have a mountain of problems weighing down on me, I'm surviving. That's all I'm doing right now, surviving. Going through each day and barely making it out alive. Even my dreams have started to haunt me. I've been bolting upright in my bed these past nights, snapping awake multiple times in the night for no reason at all, and it's freaking me the fuck out.
But I digress. What I wanted to say was that Rikugame-kun called my mum tonight.
He. Called. My. Mum.
Why did he call her? Apparently, she'd called him twice by accident. You know, those phone-in-my-pocket-yet-it-just-happened-to-call-random-people kind of scenarios. Though how a freaking iPhone that's password-protected can do that, I have no idea. So yeah, he called her, wanting to know why she'd called him twice. Like, was there any emergency, did she want to talk to him, was anyone dead or dying maybe, that kind of thing. And yes, to answer any queries, he and my mum are cool. I swear she loves him.
I want to cry so much. I feel so lost. I want to ask god or whoever else might be listening up there, what's the whole point of shoving Rikugame-kun back into my life? Wasn't I supposed to be getting over him, slowly and painfully? Wasn't everyone telling me that liking him for three years straight was unhealthy? Why did he have to call my mum? Did she call him on purpose or was it really sheer dumb coincidence? Am I supposed to be some kind of joke to the universe, maybe?
I'm so confused. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sick of this. Do you have any idea how painful it is to try pulling someone from your heart, your memories, and then have him jump back into your life like nothing ever mattered? To hear my mum mention his name so casually... It's like all I did, all the tears I cried, all the times I felt so sad... It was all for nothing.
One I push away, one I try to forget. Why.....?
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