Fatigued

I'm so tired.

I have 3 major assignments to hand in by next week, and I'm not even 50% complete with them. At most, I have my idea for what to do.

I'm still seeing things. I'm still hearing things. I keep seeing things, thoughts, images flash through my mind. I think I'm going insane. Really and truly insane.

I'm depressed. Right now I just want to talk to Rikugame-kun, and finally, finally tell him how I feel. Because I don't know who I'm supposed to belong to anymore. Everyone belongs to someone, and for the longest time, I have always quietly believed that a large part of me belonged to Rikugame-kun. But now I'm so confused that almost every night I sit and cry. I'm so confused, and so torn, and it hurts so much. I'm wishing so badly for a darkness I can fall into and never leave.

I'm conflicted because I'm pushing and pulling, pushing and pulling... I know that "we" are not possible. It can only end in pain. We're not compatible. And I'm trying to stay away, both for his good and mine. But sometimes, I'm just so exhausted that I don't have very good control over myself, and I forget to distance myself. I know I'm frustrating. I just wish I could tell him: "STAY AWAY FROM ME. I'm not a good person, all I'll do is hurt you. For fuck's sake, just stay away from me. Surely there are girls who are more interesting out there, who'll be better for you."

I'm worried that I'm sinking into depression. But that can't happen, right? It's impossible, right?

I'm tired beyond belief. I've been staying up till about 1am to try to make some headway on my assignments, and waking up at 6am everyday to go to school early just so I can use the school computers, since I still don't have a laptop. And I'm exhausted. Everyday I wake up and wish that it wasn't a new day. Everyday I wish that I could sleep just a little longer, a little longer... Everyday I stay in the school labs till I get kicked out. Even coffee doesn't wake me up anymore. All I want to do is sleep.

I'm worried that I'm irritating my friends, those who mean a lot to me. It feels weird sometimes, like I'm an outsider who's sticking my nose into their business. And it sometimes feels like I'm being isolated. I wish I could show them how much they mean to me, how important they are in my life. I would feel so awkward without them. And I wish they knew how much it hurts when they turn away from me, like I'm some outcast.

These days, I've been so stressed out, physically, mentally and emotionally, that I've been wishing, actually wishing, for a gun. If I had a gun, I swear I'd shoot myself straight in the head. And I'd have no regrets doing it.

I keep telling myself, day after day after day, that Rikugame-kun is the one that I've been waiting for. I need to remember him. I need... I need....

I need that gun.

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