Conflict
Double post for tonight, I know. It's just... I hardly get the time to write in my diary anymore, and Twitter isn't quite the place to let everything out, so... This is all I have, I guess.
I've been thinking. A lot. I've talked to Xinyi about Rikugame-kun calling my mum, and asking her why something like that happened when I was clearly supposed to be doing my best to survive without Rikugame-kun in my life. I mean, as though my ban from calling and texting him didn't make that clear enough.
I asked her why God would do something like that, and she told me that it felt like He was testing me. Why test me? And test me on what exactly? To see which choice I make? To see which path I take towards self-destruction maybe? I'm a freethinker, but I do wonder what God's purpose in doing certain things is.
Like right now, I wonder what He's trying to accomplish by setting me this "test". I've said before, why test me? And how am I to know which choice to make? I know, I've been loyally holding on to Rikugame-kun all these years, so who knows? Maybe I'm supposed to continue holding on. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to do.
But what if I'm supposed to be letting go? What if He's trying to say, hey girl, three years is more than enough. It's time to let go now. It's time to forget him.
It's not fair, you know... I think, and I cry, and I think some more, and I cry some more. A smile becomes harder and harder to maintain each day, and it somewhat feels like I'm slipping all my masks back on, even though I'd sworn to myself that I'd work on taking them off, bit by bit.
It seems that old habits are really hard to get rid of. And it seems that masks don't come off as easily as I thought.
I've been thinking. A lot. I've talked to Xinyi about Rikugame-kun calling my mum, and asking her why something like that happened when I was clearly supposed to be doing my best to survive without Rikugame-kun in my life. I mean, as though my ban from calling and texting him didn't make that clear enough.
I asked her why God would do something like that, and she told me that it felt like He was testing me. Why test me? And test me on what exactly? To see which choice I make? To see which path I take towards self-destruction maybe? I'm a freethinker, but I do wonder what God's purpose in doing certain things is.
Like right now, I wonder what He's trying to accomplish by setting me this "test". I've said before, why test me? And how am I to know which choice to make? I know, I've been loyally holding on to Rikugame-kun all these years, so who knows? Maybe I'm supposed to continue holding on. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to do.
But what if I'm supposed to be letting go? What if He's trying to say, hey girl, three years is more than enough. It's time to let go now. It's time to forget him.
It's not fair, you know... I think, and I cry, and I think some more, and I cry some more. A smile becomes harder and harder to maintain each day, and it somewhat feels like I'm slipping all my masks back on, even though I'd sworn to myself that I'd work on taking them off, bit by bit.
It seems that old habits are really hard to get rid of. And it seems that masks don't come off as easily as I thought.
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