For we must all learn to howl.

0904: My bag still smells of the perfume I accidentally spilled in it. Sigh and mmmmmmm! 1016: My aunt's complaining that she just had breakfast so how on earth is she supposed to go for lunch later? Don't ask me, I haven't had an appetite in days. 1020: Just remembered that I had a good dream last night - it was weird though, I was a mermaid (whee!). It felt so free , and there's no feeling like feeling as though you can actually swim . Sure beats the usual nightmares :) 1032: My aunt may be my boss, but she is the biggest cheapskate ever I swear to god. 1059: I mean honestly. She tells me to reuse old envelopes to send cheques to her clients. If she doesn't feel embarrassed at reusing envelopes (there were old addresses stuck on the envelopes so I had to rip them off and it's very obvious) I sure do. 1113: Okay wow even Kat's pissed off at my aunt, and she's the most laid-back person in here. 1227: Because I was tagged on Tumblr... What...

0907: Internet's down! That means that we (or I, since Kat doesn't have anything for me to do) are going to have to stare at the desktop for a while or just putter around until the Internet connection's restored. What's frustrating is that I don't know how to fix this ugh. 0911: In theory, this could be resolved if we switch the modem off and on again. Where's that modem then? 0912: While waiting (my aunt found the modem) all I can do is clean my desktop and maaaaaaybe defrag because that's kind of what I do here when I'm bored halfway to tears. 0914: Desktop's cleaned, unnecessary programmes tossed out the window... And the Internet's back up. 0916: Or not. 0917: I wanted to type this down on the way to work, but ended up snoozing in the train oops. It's pretty amazing how hardy plants are, don't you think? We've been having something akin to a drought for the past month, and then it rains for about 3 days and stops once ag...

Downloading Pingu for the brats while in the office - as long as I don't completely overload this com it should be fine, though the connection is so bad that the ETA is climbing higher and higher. 6 hours... 8 hours... 11 hours... Fuck this I'm gonna be here all year ugh. The lesson plan briefing for the Bandung trip in school was exhausting, to say the least. I honestly never thought that planning lessons for a bunch of kids could be so tough. It also opened my eyes to exactly how much we took English for granted - here in Singapore, we speak mostly English and think nothing of it since it's pretty much the first language we learn in schools, but when it comes to planning lessons and games for a bunch of Indonesian kids who might speak little to no English, everything becomes a problem: Do we assume they can even speak English? Do we have to start from scratch with the alphabet or just move on to songs? Will they even understand what we're trying to teach them? Thi...

0805: Starting the day right with a healthy dose of misery paired with alternations of The Click Five and what few songs I have from (before-they-disbanded) DBSK. 0845: And of course Yuki Kajiura. 0935: Writing cheques for everyone and GUESS WHO TEXTS AFTER THREE DAYS. I'm still mad though, so go away and how dare you send me a picture which I certainly won't open because I'm still mad? 0949: It's a picture of him and his stupid cute face in a stupid hat. Stupid stupid stupid. And I'm still mad. 0951: Kat seems busy, so I won't disturb her for now I guess... Back to folding boxes. 0955: Scrolling through his message... He likes jump-up DnB huh? Nice. Though I'm still not replying till much later. 1025: I can't believe he's still awake.. It's what, almost 3am there? Unless he fell asleep with his phone on ahaha. 1026: I'm still mad. I'm just going to reply later, like after work. 1028: Can't believe he likes DnB thou...

This is what I just can't understand about you, girl.  You always play the game so perfectly, so expertly... And yet you fall to pieces whenever your heart is on the line.  What happened to you? You used to be so cold. Your mask was a flawless canvas - you marked and erased as you wished. But now it fails to hide that which was so easily concealed years ago. You're getting soft. You know what you're getting into, don't you? He's just a boy . You know you shouldn't be getting so attached, and yet... You insist on dipping your fingers into acid, saying it doesn't hurt even as your skin burns  and black tears trail from your eyes. He's just a boy, and still you hoped and dreamed and wished upon stars and time. He's just a boy, and he won't hesitate to leave you for someone better. ...You don't believe me, do you? I can see it in your mind's eye, how it refuses to look at me. You don't ...

0930: It's going to be a GOOD day, what with me still feeling distinctly cheerful from the weekend. Tired, but cheerful. 0940: I'm bored. Is there really nothing to do? 1020: This is literally why you don't ask a media student to handle accounts and numbers. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING NOTHING MAKES SENSE AND THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME. 1025: H E L P. 1215: So this guy walks in and asks for a slip, and me being me I obviously don't know what or where it is, leading to snark from him: "Wah, your own table you also don't know huh?" CAN I DIE NOW PLEASE CAN THE EARTH JUST SWALLOW ME UP OR SOMETHING 1340: Told Kat that I felt really bad for not being able to understand accounts and shit (literally everything looks the same to me) and she just smiled and said it's okay, it's expected from a media student and anyway it's not like they have a lot of work to assign to me. SHE'S SUCH AN AUNTIE BUT SHE'S SO NICE *cries* 1418: This l...

It's been a really good weekend (even dad's usual assholery didn't upset me all that much), and I won't lie and say that Friday night didn't contribute to at least 50% of it (one word: Aoi-kun, though of course nothing happened and we're not awkward like I was so afraid about, hallelujah!). I won't explain more about it, because I'm sure you can at least guess and you can't possibly enjoy reading about me spazzing like some schoolgirl, though I can assure you that he knew nothing of the spazzing buahaha. Anyway, it feels good to be wrapping up this Sunday night, what with me watching The Matrix trilogy (so complicated but it feels so good to just sit and watch and marvel at the effects that were used) because I've never actually watched it before and it was a pick between this and 2012 (science-y apocalyptic world or actual supposed apocalypse?) and listening to music that makes me extremely nostalgic. Aoi-kun's busy what on the other end o...

0959: Using the free time I have to clean up the computer and defrag because its lack of speed is pissing me off. 1024: Just gave Tish directions to the henna place. Creepy-ish shopowner, but kind of nice regardless and willing to do really nice henna for you. 1030: Not sure if I've said this before, but the rooftop here is really nice (or at least the scenery is) - if it wasn't so dirty I'd prolly eat lunch there as often as possible. 1330: Had a bottle of Coke for lunch. I'm either going to hell or my ovaries are going to escort me there. 1359: Because I'm feeling majorly upset and need to distract myself... They barely help. BARELY. 1503: Doing some very interesting reading since no one's doing anything and I'm falling asleep, plus VERY glad that VigilantCitizen has a new post! Ugh they don't seem to post as often as they did anymore, I wonder if it's because they find they have less to talk about now? 153...

I can't think any more. I don't want  to think any more. Indeed it is. And right now all I can think of is I shouldn't have asked that question stupidstupidstupid I don't even know if I want to know the answer dammit I fucked everything up again. I did a stupid thing, didn't I? All I was thinking at the time I asked him was I need to get this not knowing thing over and done with  and now I'm faced with this. The problem is, this is always going to be me, isn't it? Asking questions and then regretting and wondering if it was the right decision to make. Well, all that's left to do now is wait, I guess. Wait and hope and hold my glass heart low to the ground so that when it falls, maybe it won't shatter as badly as it usually does. This doesn't change the fact that you're an idiot, Nat. You're the fucking queen . And right now, you stand to lose something nice because you had to know . Yay, right?

Just asked Aoi-kun if he liked me - simply put, if this whole thing could be something good or if it's just a beautiful farce. I think  he's in class now - he told me something along those lines a couple of hours ago - and I suppose that would mean that it's going to take a while before I get an answer. Tish and Xinyi both say that I shouldn't get too invested in this, and they're both right, but I can't stop shaking. I can't remember the last time I was this nervous, actually.  Of course, I don't even know what to do after I get a reply. Ugh, stupid Nat. Always rushing into things and not knowing what to do after that moment of impulse.  But I think I'm scared of losing him - as a chatting partner, as a somewhat-friend, as someone amazing. It's been beyond awesome talking to him, and I really don't know what to do after this - all the other chats seem pointless and hollow compared to his. 

0948: Hit my knee against the sharp edge of a folder, was more upset about my ripped stocking than the fact that my knee was pretty banged-up. 1135: Came to the conclusion that my lip's acting up because of the office conditions. For those who don't know, I have this thing where my lips are really sensitive and I have cold sores when I'm overly stressed or if I'm always in a really dirty, dusty environment. The thing is, even stress doesn't trigger the cold sore - it's always BPPV or really bad mood swings and whatnot but never the cold sores. Those used to be triggered by stress but now they're triggered only by really dusty conditions, which would explain why it's triggered again - the office I'm sitting in is really toxic, like really dusty and all. Sigh. I'm in a major trigger zone, what joy. The thing is, now I have to figure out how to survive the next 5 months in this dusty office without triggering any more cold sores - I haven't...

What do you do when you seem to have met someone amazing, but don't actually know them? This is what's been bugging me for a couple of days now. I talked to Tish about Aoi-kun, and she told me exactly what I'd been worrying about but trying not to think about: He could be fake. I'm going to be brutally honest here - on Meow chances are high enough that random people could message you asking for nudes or sexts. Quite a few of these people are in it just to find someone who's willing to roleplay for them or maybe even video sex, I dunno. The thing is that Aoi-kun could quite possibly just be looking for sex. The thing is, if he is then he's awfully patient - we've been chatting so much for about 3 days now and no one's mentioned sex at all, or asked for a picture or anything. So sex is out the window (thank god). Now comes the theory that he could quite possibly be a fake, which is what I'm slightly more worried about. He's so n...

0856: Just opened Google. Happy Saint Patrick's Day! 0857: I can't believe it was so easy to talk to Aoi-kun yesterday - I met him on Meow, which is like Omegle on an app. Would have stayed up chatting but ugh I had to sleep. We talked about everything and nothing, from tea and crumpets to stereotypes and social media to conspiracy theories and the global economy, for some reason. It was frighteningly easy how the conversation flowed, and he basically said that I was an interesting person ahaha. Plus I really liked how he talked, and (dare I say it?!) he seemed kind of interested in me as well . Well I've only known this guy for a few hours, let's see how things go I guess. Of course, the kicker to this is that he's an amazing person, we have loads in common (you like conspiracy theories? HOLY SHIT so do I!), and... He lives in the UK. Fantastic, right? 0907: Of course, I'm also worried he might be a Hans... Watch Frozen if you don't get what I'm say...

Pain. It's all she knows today. Every time she thinks she's escaped from it somehow, it returns with full force  reminding her that hey, it's still there. It never wants to leave - it enjoys the paranoia that's starting to eat at her nerves. Every second without the pain is one that she fears the most because it's a when she thinks she's safe that she's most vulnerable. And then the pain returns. All she wants to do now is sleep. If she sleeps, she enters a place where not even the pain can follow. She'll be in a place where he'll hold her tight and chase the pain away.

1002: So I somehow managed to finish my breakfast in five minutes , and then helped Kat to write the checks and yada yada. Currently sitting with nothing to do, and steadily falling asleep. It's supposed to be TGIF, but it doesn't even feel like a Friday to me sigh. Plus I can't go for this event briefing thing later cos it's at Tampines at 6:30pm, and I knock off at 6 and it'll take me an hour to get down to Tampines from Chinatown. 1105: So. Bored. 1011: Reading what people write is both interesting and guilt-tripping because it really reminds me of that which I should be writing too... Tried to get started but I'm already blocked, how pathetic. 1033: It shouldn't have to be this difficult trying to understand when the 4 seasons start, dammit. 1034: Fuck this, maybe I won't use the 4 seasons then. 1209: Computer usage's only at 65% and it's dying. Someone please save me from this bullshit. 1213: So I can insert the SD Card and it sh...

We all want the same thing.

I've been noticing a trend on YouTube, and I have to say I'm not too happy about it. See, when I go up to YouTube, I love listening to trance mixes, EDM and all that. They help me chill out (have you ever tried listening to vocal or dream trance when you're stressed because that shit really helps) and make pretty rad study mixes.  The thing about these mixes is that they often show really sexy women in the videos. Not all of them do, most actually put stuff like words and DJs and other cool images, but some put really  sexy women as the video's image, and some tracks have their own music videos which feature really sexy women too. I get it, it's the style and all. It's fine, and you might even go far enough to say that I'm kind of used to it by now. What I don't get are the comments. There's this habit I have of scrolling through the video comments every time I listen to audio track on YouTube - they're usually funny and occasiona...

Half-day at the office today, because there's some meeting in school later about the upcoming Bandung trip. Slightly excited about the meeting simply because it means I'm getting out of the office 6 hours early (hell yeah) but my cramps hurt like a mother. I suppose working as an office girl doesn't suck quite THAT bad, it's just boring. But hey, it's what, day 3? I've got about 3 more days till Friday to find something good about this job :) Also went back to an old link because I was curious - all I can say is I'm glad things didn't work the way they were "expected" to, because I may be lonely as hell but I'm also a hell of a lot more free without the pressure you had no idea you were giving me. I may have been upset back then, but in hindsight I'm really glad I walked away. Dreamt of something weird last night. I don't remember much, but what I do remember is I finally got myself inked - it was the design I'd decided...

I have nothing more to say. You get your hopes up, you watch them fall and shatter on the ground. Well, at least they break prettily (unlike you). Focus on your friends, they're more important. Except that they have others to focus on too. Focus on you. Sure, as if you haven't done enough damage to begin with. You like how they look like stitches, don't you? Like a thread sewn over a doll's mouth. Yeah keep telling yourself that, why don't you? Pathetic. Now that's a love-hate relationship. It's such a damning word, but truly there isn't anything that fits better. How many wishes have you wasted on this, after all?

0830: Too early, and there's no way I'm setting foot into the office by myself (because that would mean I'd have to do opening). Might as well take a look around the area. 0840: After extensive walking around and looking out for potential coffee spots, I can conclude that there are no such coffee spots or potential lunch spots to provide a good escape for an hour every day. Still, it's nice and quiet. 0850: Ran into my aunt and went up to the office together. Did opening anyway. 0900: Aunt sent me to wash the water containers and heater. THERE IS MILDEW IN THE CONTAINERS. IN. NOT ON. IN. I'm no clean freak, but even I have my limits. Note to self - drink and eat from own containers in the future. Maybe I should take a leaf out of Mad-Eye Moody's book and start drinking from a personal hip-flask in the future. 0908: IMAGINE HOW LEVI-HEICHOU WOULD REACT IF HE HAD TO CLEAN THIS PLACE THOUGH. Forget payment, I'll clean this place for FREE as long as it m...

This is getting dangerous. I refuse to let there be another Nakushita-kun in my life - one was bad enough and made me act like a big enough fool. No more.  No more overthinking and letting my thoughts get away with me on this subject. 

Hello old friend how nice it is to see you and by nice of course I mean that I feel nothing everything is hollow inside (He plonks his head onto my lap -  I don't actually know when and how he managed to get in again after I chased him off maybe sometime last night or a few days ago? I'm not sure exactly) Old friend Come in, sit down won't you have a cup of tea? No? Perhaps water would suit you nicely for this hot day (And I don't know why people say he smells because he smells rather nice actually, like soap and coffee but maybe it is the distinct reek of something else {fear loneliness insecurity} that drives everyone away from him) How've you been, old friend Tell me where you've gone, what you've done or perhaps you'd rather stay silent I remember you best that way, after all (He follows me around everywhere and I can't get away He's so much louder than he ever was before And he wants t...