Old Friend

Hello old friend

how nice it is to see you

and by nice of course I mean that I feel nothing

everything is hollow inside

(He plonks his head onto my lap - 

I don't actually know when and how he managed to get in again after I chased him off

maybe sometime last night or a few days ago?

I'm not sure exactly)

Old friend

Come in, sit down

won't you have a cup of tea? No?

Perhaps water would suit you nicely for this hot day

(And I don't know why people say he smells because he smells rather nice actually,

like soap and coffee

but maybe it is the distinct reek of something else

{fear loneliness insecurity}

that drives everyone away from him)

How've you been, old friend

Tell me where you've gone, what you've done

or perhaps you'd rather stay silent

I remember you best that way, after all

(He follows me around everywhere and I can't get away

He's so much louder than he ever was before

And he wants to meet my family but it takes all I have to keep him away

he must not go near them)

Old friend

I thought you'd gone away forever

Did I miss you? Oh of course

I never really wanted you to leave

(I wish he'd leave and never come back

because every time he does he brings all my exes to the doorstep
with their shiny silvery smiles, begging to be let in again

and like the fool I am, I always open the door)

I remember your words, old friend

Oh yes it's funny isn't it?

how everything you say stays in my head

I guess that's just how powerful your advice can be

(He won't stop whispering in my ear

how nobody can be trusted

And he always brings up the conversations that he knows hurt the most

because he enjoys watching me cry)

I suppose you've been making the rounds then?
Visiting some of your other friends too

How are they? Good? 

I've always been envious how you know so many people

(And I try to tell myself how others feel his presence too

and I am not alone

but whenever he visits it feels that way and the only I know how to deal 

is to shut everything and everyone out until he decides to leave for a while)

(He rips my thoughts into shreds - the only things keeping me afloat

tells me that I'll always be alone

helps me plan a permanent vacation -

where to go, how to get there, what to eat.)

(He reads my blog and my diaries - laughs at them

tells me that of course he doesn't exist and who would believe me

hugs me from the back, strokes my hair when I talk to others

reminding me that he is always there)

(He tells me who I dream of doesn't exist, that I'm just being childish

tears at the shadows in my mind

until I no longer remember that figure's touch or name or presence

and I am left to fight the nightmares alone)

Friend

You've stayed away for a month and a half, seeing the sights and enjoying life

So tell me...

How long will you be staying this time?