For we must all learn to howl.

Every song makes me think of him and I can't stop thinking - why did it have to happen this way, why did he just forget me just like that , why why why. There's an answer, of course, though it hurts even more to consider exactly how possible the answer is.  I'm in hell, and I put myself here, and I have no idea how to get out. I want answers and I want closure, but at the same time I just want to keep floating in this personal purgatory of mine.  Because purgatory is what it is - I'm nowhere, suspended between wanting to cry it all out and just feel , and wanting to cut my heart out so everything can stop bleeding. It feels like there's a raw, gaping wound in my chest and I can barely function. It's a good thing of sorts that I'm not at home right now, because I'm kept busy taking pictures and being forced to socialize with the rest of the group. If I were at home right now... Well, the demons make their home there too, and they're most c...

Well, this post has been long overdue now hasn't it? I've been in Hokkaido for about five days now, and I'm more than slightly ashamed for being so doggone tired (and maybe lazy too) to gather some energy and hack out a satisfactory post about this place that I love so much.  Which is why I'm hacking away at my phone now. Full blessings from my dad, too - he doesn't need me to watch the GPS like I usually do to let him know where to turn, where to go because it's a mountainous road right now, and these roads are pretty straightforward. Just keep driving straight and try not to drop off the side of the mountain.  Digressions aside, I'm finally in Hokkaido. It's funny really, I thought I'd be in tears when I arrived at Narita airport almost a month ago, simply because of the fact that I was finally in Japan, the country I loved so much besides my own.  No tears. Not even a sniffle.  The whole time I was in mainland Japan, I thought there was something ...

Been meaning to blog about Hokkaido ever since we stepped into Hakodate yesterday (I have a lot of feelings and emotional attachment to Hokkaido, if you haven't already guessed), but I've literally been so bloody tired, and I'm incredibly pissed off at my dad because I'd been planning to churn out a good blogpost tonight, only for him to come and ask me to write a caption for a picture of a mountain that he took, and I don't usually like doing these when I'm this tired because the amount of research I put in to one caption usually leaves me unwilling to type any more, much less a satisfactory blogpost.  Long story short, he somehow managed to confuse a cape with a mountain, and I'm pissed off as hell because who the fuck even mixes these bloody things up  and now I've wasted both time and effort on something that I'm going to have to do again.  So chances are I'm going to have to push this blogpost further down the pipes for another night (hopefu...

Sitting here in the hotel room, quietly blogging and sorting my thoughts out as best as I can. As usual, my thoughts turn to you - it's not fair really, you were just supposed to be an online friend and nothing else... So tell me why I keep thinking about you. Stupid you. Stupid you and your stupid bad English and spelling and your stupid taste in music and stupid conspiracy theories. Stupid you with your sweet words and stupid me for actually believing them, for believing you when you said that you never talked this way to anyone else, that this could be "something good". I'm in Japan now, and I keep thinking about how it could have been if you'd have gone to Japan too. Your accent would have been atrocious as always but pretty funny really. I wanted to think about how amazing it could be to be with someone "good" in a country I loved. I wanted to share everything I loved about the country and culture with you because I thought maybe you loved the cultu...

I feel like I'm going insane. Cooped up with the asshole for another what, 18 days? I've been bottling so much up that I don't know if I can go on with it. The worst part of things is that I can't go off on my own (to take a walk, breathe, cry, anything  to get some tension out) because he obviously doesn't trust me to take care of myself even in a country that I know better than him.  He's making me hate Japan. I really didn't want to say this, but it's like he's spreading some kind of taint all over this country that I love - the way he looks at everything I hold dear to me about this country and its culture with such indifference. I'm tired of having to leave my emotional switch on at "Cheerful" all the time just so he doesn't say that I have an attitude problem, I'm tired of having to cater to his decisions (like when he said he wanted to eat at a fried pork restaurant when I said VERY CLEARLY that I hated fried food) and I...

I hate politics. Have I ever mentioned that? It's an intriguing game, but it's still one I detest. Every move you make has to be calculated with the utmost precision for fear you give the other party some kind of an advantage over yourself. From the words you say to the tone of your voice, everything and anything has to be treated as a potential opportunity for either you or your opponent to seize should you need to. It's just like a huge game of chess, and the stakes may vary but the motive is always the same. To win. Isn't that what everyone wants? To emerge victorious from whatever battle they think they're in? ~ ...I digress, but I haven't shared how much I love talking to strangers. It's an irony against the age-old rule: Don't talk to strangers . But it's so easy to talk to someone you don't even know, for the simple reason that they don't know who you are, don't have some preconceived notion of how you're going to t...

Apparently I don't know how to smile anymore.  I only realised it this morning when I took a selfie with the group's guide (he was leaving for Tokyo to lead another group while we were to follow his senior, so we tried to give him a good farewell of sorts and took some group pictures) because I may or may not think he's kind of cute, ahaha. Grabbing the shot, I felt pretty satisfied with it until I looked at it a little more closely.  Every flaw in the picture was obvious to me - my eyes were misshapen, my smile too wide, my hair too messy... What the hell?!  I usually make sure I look at least halfway decent in photos (and especially selfies) but this was so off for some reason I couldn't identify. The previous few photos that dad had taken with me in them looked really bad, too, and I'd just chalked it up to me being naturally ugly. However, this looked so different - it was like I'd forgotten how to smile altogether.  What the hell..?

I should have known it was too good to last - no prizes for guessing what happened.  We were on our way to a famous bridge, and got lost because the GPS brought us to the bridge's museum instead of the bridge itself. I told dad to go the toilet first while I tried to get directions to the bridge itself, and the lady at the counter misdirected me to another bridge instead, telling me that the bridge would be opened and closed at intervals to allow for ships to pass.  So I went to tell him, and surprise surprise, he didn't believe that the bridge would close in 20 minutes and kept telling me that I was wrong, how could the bridge close like that so early and so on and so forth. The stupidity of the questions irked me to a point where I just told him that I obviously didn't know WHY the bridge was like that because that was all the lady told me (bear in mind that my Japanese really isn't fantastic) and we could always just go and see for ourselves.  He said I ...

It's been a long day today, and tomorrow's only going to get even more exhausting.  Long story short (because I'm really exhausted) today was a disappointment because just about all the places we were supposed to visit we're closed either due to weather conditions (in this case the volcanic crater that was closed due to a high amount of volcanic gas emissions today) or because we were too late to visit anymore (in this case the suspension bridge that we wanted to visit but were too late for). And now we're staying in a hotel that's smack beside the red-light district. It's fascinating and I'd love to walk around the area some more and maybe get some pictures, but my dad's really upset - I think he doesn't like the idea of his daughter being exposed to such "corruption", but then again think of how he'd react if he were to know how much I really know about all this... Anyway I've got a pissed-off dad to deal with, and things with...

We've arrived in Kumamoto! Everything's okay, we're really tired so we (or I) are going to crash soon... (You know I'm tired when I start reporting the small things like how I'm going to crashing soon.) I've been taking loads of pictures, I can't wait to share them on this blog (I don't have a laptop with me, and most of the pictures are taken with my DSLR so it's basically impossible to share them until I get home a month from now) - but for now do check out my Instagram account @natnutella26 , I'm posting some of the pictures there.  Went to an onsen for the first time in my life because my knees were giving me hell (I've been having knee problems ever since I badly twisted both knees last year) and it was quite enjoyable though I was certainly very self-conscious because it was my first time after all, and are you sure I'm supposed to just walk around completely nude?  I kind of wish we had onsens at home so I could go with friends, bu...

So... We're in Japan! Or Kagoshime, so to speak - it's our first stop before moving to Kumamoto tomorrow.  Kagoshime is... Boring. I'm sorry, but there's no other way to phrase it. It's a lovely little town really, and I would love to stay here if I were a retiree - there's literally nothing else to do here but enjoy the sea (and the hot spring sand baths) and maybe some pachinko (which is basically a slot machine game that Japan loves ).  Everything's good so far, dad and I haven't killed each other yet (we didn't even snap at each other, this is how much Japan affects us - it's almost pathetic how we seem to get along fine when we're in a place we both love or when we have no choice but  to get along) and we're actually working together to get to each area - the GPS requires a map code so I have to help him figure everything out.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - I'm no technician, but hear me roar anyway. Day 1 d...

In the departure hall with dad now - the trip hasn't even bloody started and already things are fraying. Long story short? We fought. Again. My favourite part of it all was when he said: "If I had known it would be like this, I would have changed my mind about bringing you on this trip." to which I shot back: "Well you know what, we're stuck together for a month, so either we figure out how to talk to each other or this trip is really going to screw over." Wow, right? We really do get along nicely. Maybe he should have swapped my name for mum's instead - it sure felt as if she were going for the trip instead of me after all. I can't pretend to be my mother for him. I don't talk as nicely, and I'm not as patient as she is. He has his ego and a quick temper to deal with, and I'm quick to anger (though also quick to cool down, though I admit I hold grudges) and guilty of not always thinking before I say things - plus I admit that I intention...

I’m flying to Japan tonight. Just wanted to put that down here because I didn’t really want to tell anyone unless they asked – it would have sounded like bragging to me. Telling people that I’m going to Japan doesn’t quite sound like bragging, you say? It just sounds like a normal holiday, you say? Well, I’m going for a month – NOW you see why saying it out loud would have sounded like I was trying to brag. Well, I’m not (bragging, that is). And I’m thrilled to be going (as not-thrilled as I sound, though that’s because I’m exhausted and worried and in a bad place again – a story for another time), although what sucks is that I’m only going with my dad since mum’s going to be too bogged down with work to take a month off. That and the added guilt that it’s so soon after Grandmother’s passing, though my mum and friends have told me not to be stupid because we all know Grandmother would actually be cool with it. She was the best, I swear. So. Stuck with dad for a month c...

Sometimes I feel like curling into a right little ball and squeezing myself into a corner where I'll sit unnoticed by the world around me. I just want to get away for a while, to not think if I mean something to anyone or if I'm that easily replaced. I think this month will be good - I'll have the time to think a lot, to do as much quiet reflection as I want in a beautiful place that I love and brings me something resembling peace, in a way that only I can understand. I'll have the chance to take the pictures I want, see the sights I've always wanted to see, take some time to myself and all the voices inside my head - maybe they'll calm down a little.  You get it, right? The feeling of wanting to just yell "fuck it!" and walk away for a while. All these thoughts: Grandmother, family and Milk, Aoi-kun, friends, personal demons... They're getting too much to handle, and the headaches are getting worse - I can barely see straight anymore. I've als...

Grandmother's wake is over (it ended on Wednesday) and she's been given a sea burial with my grandfather and our other ancestors. I have quite a bit to say about everything (including how much I had to fight the urge to slap my second aunt and her daughter as well as my third aunt), but so much has been locked away in my mind that I honestly don't know where and how to start. I suppose I'll go with a few pictures and captions, and then see where that gets me. I wasn't too happy at first about my parents taking pictures during the wake and burial because it felt rude to me, but I'm thankful for the pictures now because they're all we have left. Grandmother's obituary. Grandmother on the second night of the wake - you can see how grand the decorations are. Well-wishes sent by friends and colleagues. Most of the bouquets were taken apart on the second-last night to decorate Grandmother's casket. The Chinese believe in burning p...