For we must all learn to howl.

Sometimes it just really doesn't hit me how depressing it gets using these "social" dating apps - I started out because I was curious, and I've made some friends using these apps. Of course, the majority of people here are looking for something else. I know full well that these people who talk to me aren't doing so because they think I'm smart or funny or fun to talk to - there's only so much even a well-written profile can tell about you, after all. These people talk to me only because they think I'm "hot", whatever that's supposed to mean. Is it supposed to mean that I'm fuckable? Because that's the message that these guys are sending. Sure, it's fun to watch them make fools of themselves, but it's also incredibly sad to see how many lies they're willing to throw at you just to see if they can make it into your pants. It's lonely, and it's another bad habit I seem to have gotten myself into. ...

I'm not sure if I've made this obvious enough in the previous few posts, but I'm in university now. I didn't really think that there was a big difference between uni and poly, but I've been proven wrong in a couple of ways. The biggest difference, in my opinion, is how quickly you can lose people here - another friend just left the course. To be brutally honest, I had no intentions of making friends when I stepped into uni - I was still afraid that similar misunderstandings like what happened in the first year of poly would repeat themselves, and I didn't want to take that chance. In my mind, all I wanted to do was study and graduate, and I felt that I could be okay just keeping to myself for the next two years. I should have known something like that was impossible for me - of course, I also hadn't expected how nice everyone was. Everyone was weird and funny and a complete nerd in their own ways, and I guess we sort of melded into a clique of some sor...

Things I should be doing Studying my ass off for that final exam tomorrow Blogging about AFA 2014 (It was last weekend and holy shit it was awesome ) Things I want to be doing Writing that piece of Xiuhan fanfiction that's been collecting dust in my head since freaking November Watching anime Things I am doing Listening to Kashitarou Itou and crying Tumblr That blogpost about AFA will be up as soon as I can remind myself to stop being so lazy and retrieve the photos from my phone hahaha. In the meantime I'll just put this song up because seriously, Kashitarou Itou is amazing. How had I never taken notice of him on NND before?! He's even better than Shoose when it comes to voice clarity omg I can't And his persona both on and off stage is so... Magnetic. There isn't any other word for it. Yes, I'm attracted to a guy in a fox mask. This is him - I don't know what he looks like under the mask (very few do because th...

Well. My first of December's been nothing short of a fuckfest - put nicely, it's been absolute shite with only bad luck through the whole day. I don't want to talk about it, I just want to put it out there that the whole of today from me snapping the end of my bracelet (yes, the one I rarely take off) to rushing for dinner has not been fun or enjoyable. Plus everything's been building up and none of this is helping. I just hope tomorrow onwards will be much, much better. I don't really do this, but I think it's necessary this month: December, please please be good to me - you're a really important month.

Ashes , ashes ; We all fall down . Black tears , ruined eyes - How pretty you look . How will you stand again ? Careful now , it's sharp .

Ask about anything and everything - better a fool for 5 minutes than a fool forever. Treat yourself to something nice every week - no matter how big or small the treat, it'll be something you can look forward to and you'll be thankful for the weekly motivation. People will tell you your dreams are too big, too small, too difficult, too easy. They may or may not have a point, but remember that you're the only one who has any say in whether your dreams live or die. Stop looking at the ground or your phone when you walk - use your eyes to look at the world around you, I promise it's a better view. Bring a jacket with you no matter where you go - you'll be glad for it. If someone wants you in their life, he or she will make it clear. Never wait for someone who makes you feel unwanted. That being said, never make anyone feel unwanted if you want them in your life. If they mean something to you, if they're important to you, let them know. A little eye contact...

This one's for you, Kira. I didn't know him, but I hope you and your fam are all okay.

EAT - An empty stomach does not equate beauty. It may not seem like it now, but it's possible to love yourself with a full stomach. Never take a blade to your own skin for any reason, not even curiosity - you may not regret the scars, but you'll always wonder how things could have been if you had never started. Emotion is not weakness. Crying is not weakness. Do harm to none, but that doesn't mean that you should be a pushover. Know your limits. You are worthy - of him, of her, of yourself most of all. You don't need to be naked to feel confident about yourself, but that doesn't mean you should hide in your clothes either. "No." is a complete sentence with no explanation needed. Love does not equate sex, in the same way that Sex does not equate love. Take all the time you need to cry when you need to, but remember to pick yourself up when you're done. He or she will leave you, and it will feel like the end of the world - it is not. Listen to...

Major essay's just about finished (the first draft, that is) - I've got to take another read-through and get to editing and tightening it for submission. Presentational essay - I need to get started on it, submission's on Thursday and I'm still lacking those two pesky academic journals for reference. Aaaaand those stupid journals for digicomms - I should be able to finish those quickly enough as long as I don't get lazy hehehe. I've also got quite a few plot bunnies jostling for space in my head right now, and I'll tend to them as soon as I finish my assignments. It's really frustrating though - I need to write something but I want to write something else. Adding on to my frustration is the fact that I've lost my dreamcatcher ear chain/string/thing. I bought it sometime last year, and I've gotten really attached to it and the feeling of something dangling from my ear. The thing is, I have to take it out when I dye my hair because I c...

I haven't seen you in a long time. Let's be real - I haven't ever  seen you. I don't even know what you look like. But the thing is, I used to dream about you, and often too. I wonder where you are now? I used to hate the idea of soulmates - I never believed in the idea that someone out there was supposed to be my missing puzzle piece because I hated the thought of having to stay somewhat incomplete until I met whoever it was who was supposed to "complete" me. It felt weak, somehow, knowing that whoever it was you were to be truly happy with wasn't going to be decided by you. It felt like some notion thought up by a silly lovesick schoolgirl to make herself feel better, thinking that there was someone out there who was in looooooove with her. Of course, all that changed when I saw you for the first time. Or perhaps felt would be a better word - all I remember, all I'll always remember are your hands holding mine, holding me safe and warm and st...

I cried onstage today. It wasn't something that I'd planned to do - it was the last scene of the performance, and was supposed to be heartbreaking and sad and in a best case scenario would leave the audience in tears. The thing was, I'd planned to just fake it - a few sniffles, a waver of the voice, maybe a crack or a sob even. That's what I'm good at, and I've never tried to actually force a few tears out because I've never been able to and the few times that I've tried it have all looked unbearably fake to me. The way I cried onstage today... It was amazing to me. I've been so stressed lately, what with school and the performance and personal problems, and only half an hour before call time saw me having a minor breakdown in the toilets with a junior comforting me. The reason why I cried... At that moment, it was mostly because I felt that I didn't deserve to be onstage with the others. I'd been out of acting for close to a ...

10am. Slam the door harder, I don't think I heard you the first time. Throw the dishes down - I'm still not quite sure how angry you are. Storm from room to room. This house needs more negative energy, after all.

Stressed, sick, upset, lonely. I haven't the time or patience to waste on emotions today. 8Tracks while I work: Sweater Weather

Forget the outside voices. Forget the stress. Remember what you are here for. Forget what you hear, that your time is over and you're chasing a lost dream - do what you came here to do and leave with good memories. Forget the hunched back, forget to pretend. Walk how grandmother used to. Breathe how grandmother used to. Remember.

I'm tired. I'm so tired. Just ended a session - the performance itself is next Thursday and Friday - if I wasn't stressed enough my brain's creeping into full-out panic mode now because I've reached that stage where I hit a block and for some reason find myself completely unable to understand and connect to my character. It wouldn't be such a big problem (I encounter this every time I have a character so it's nothing new, really) if not for the fact that the performance is next Friday . When I was acting as Mrs Phua for TWCT, at least I still had some time to sort my character out and work on breaking through the block. This time... If not counting the weekend because I'll be away, I have three days to perfect everything. I have three days. Three . Days . Three days to perfect my character and script (there was a last minute change to the script that now requires me to speak in near-fluent Cantonese as if I wasn't already having a huge proble...

Listened to a few things I wish I didn't have to today. Infighting, politics, people who just couldn't care less... These were things that were common enough back when we were around, but the thing was that we'd solved most of those problems by the time we had to leave. The problem is now that it appears to be that those problems have come back in full force, and the situation seems worse than before. Listening to all that made me incredibly upset because this isn't what we fought for. This isn't what we argued and cried over and planned for. This wasn't the legacy that we left behind. What we left behind wasn't perfect, but it had something. Everyone was more or less getting along, and everyone seemed to know what they wanted as a whole. This isn't what I'm seeing now. This isn't what I'm hearing now. I'm hearing stories about people getting kicked out, about people being pressurised to quit. I'm hearing about people stayi...

If you think this is one of those well-planned, long-ass posts that I occasionally put up, you're wrong. I'm just going to ramble, so you've been warned. There's something I want to do. It's been at the back of my mind since I first found out about it, but I've always pushed it to the very back of my mind because well, it wasn't all that important. I knew about it, and some others knew about it, and that was enough for me - I didn't need everyone to know. The problem is, there was a recent event that got me thinking - I decided that I wanted to be able to tell others about it, that I wanted to be able to show how proud I was of it. But I'm still scared. I see some people being so flippant about theirs, and it makes me think that hey, if I were as flippant about it as they were maybe no one would freak out if I told them. The thing is... Everyone hears about theirs a lot more. I'm not upset about it, but it's the truth. Only Milk and a...

Ignorance Denial Anger Bargaining Guilt Depression Hope Acceptance Basically a small plot bunny that hopped into my head and now refuses to leave - I can't get to doing it just yet though, I need to at least get started on my essay because not only do I have an evil bunny in my head but I also have cosplays to plan out for December and I seem to have signed on for a bit too much this month. Presentational Essay + Major Essay - I need to at least get started oh my god Blog review - that should be easy enough, but then again I managed to struggle with writing a bio the last time... Mama Looking For Her Cat - apparently the Drama club needs a fill-in so voila I seem to have gained a part-time job. Don't ask me what it is, because I might have to kill myself if I admit that I've gone back to that job again . Cosplay plans for AFA in December - 2 or 3 characters?? I have like one confirmed plan (Misa again) but then I also have another kind-of-confirmed one th...

So I thought I should post this here because I've been whining here about how I've been working on that skeleton fic for Pingu, and posting bits and pieces of what it might be about. I'M FINALLY DONE WITH IT. It's a monster, being the longest I've written so far - it's not a lot really, but I'm proud of it no matter how raw (and sometimes rather awkward) it is. I'm currently waiting for feedback - I've sent it to Pingu and Kira (so far ignoring the C2 tama-zombies who managed to find out about the fic and have been pestering me from time to time to check if I've finished it) and want to wait to hear what they have to say about it before I even think about putting it up on the next fanfiction exchange (Pingu's idea). 8Tracks: Rainy Days and Movies

So the summer anime run has finally ended... And the anime side of Tumblr finds itself sharing blankets and mugs of hot chocolate and hugs as we pick up what's left of our souls hearts and cry or stare blankly into space. All in all considered quite normal, considering what we've been through. Each series was considered short (the shortest in this list had 11 episodes while the longest had 25 episodes) but all were equally crippling - excuse me while I pick up my box of tissues and shuffle to a corner to cry again. 1. Haikyuu! As far as my very limited experience for sports anime goes, Haikyuu! follows the standard formula for most sports anime ( "This year we'll finally go to Nationals, I can feel it!" ) and still manages to keep things fresh. I have no idea why Hinata and Kageyama reminded me of Naruto and Sasuke though  maybe it was because of Hinata's nonstop energy and Kageyama's too-cool attitude hehe . The anime seems to follow the manga ...

『 LOVELESS 』ですか。。。 I wonder. Can you see it? The days passing by like faded greys Somewhere between the headaches and the spinning the letters the writing meaningless flirting I think I started missing you again しっていますか？ How it felt when I talked to you I don’t want to hear their voices the way I did yours I don’t want to know their stories the way I did yours The hot summer days we used to talk about have melted into hazy sighs 『 愛 』はなんですか？ You said you would show me if I trusted you If I fell Did you catch me? The doves have all flown away, my love. It’s time to join them. しっていますか？ I hate them. The others – they don’t call to me like you did With their panting smiles and hungry eyes they want only to possess, control. They think themselves wolves but you and I, we were our own pack This wolf hunts alone now. わかっています。 I gave everything to you so much that now the leaves are like falling snow it is winter now, i...

I can't think anymore. 8Tracks Today: I Will Survive

Even Google's getting tired of my shit. 8Tracks Today: Americano and Two Shots of Love Ahhh Childhood No Such Thing as Too Much Coffee

Hello. My name is Natalie. I'm 20 this year and a university student. Too boring. Something about me... Well, I suppose you could say I'm kind of weird. What do I mean by weird? Well... I guess that's something you'll have to figure out for yourself. I'm so sure people will be interested to read about that. I like coffee and theatre and music. And cats. Again, I'm so bloody sure that people want to read this. I can't think anymore. ( Because honestly now what do people even write in their biographies I can't think of anything besides hi I'm weird as fuck will you be friends with me and tell me your story  but I highly doubt that's going to be graded well, and I'm also slightly annoyed because it's not possible to listen to music with headphones when you're wearing dangly earrings and earphones don't muffle the clickity-clack of your nails on the laptop's keyboard as well) NOT UNLESS YOU REMOVE YOUR EARRINGS A...

So for Digicomms we have to create a website of sorts, something like a personal-professional blog. Don't ask me how that works, I'm still trying to figure that out myself because I've asked the tutor what exactly he's looking for and he can't give me a straight answer. How do you combine both personal and professional? The topic I'm choosing to focus on for my blog is one that's sensitive to say the least, and might be considered taboo for some. It's stupid of me to choose something that I can already tell has a pretty high potential of becoming a major pain in the ass, but the thing about me is that I can never do something without feeling some sort of connection to it. I've tried many times, trust me - if I don't feel a connection to the topic I really can't do it. I'm not proud of it because I know it's highly unprofessional, but there you go. But before I can get to posting about said sensitive topic on my WP (yes, it's...

Taking the bus home today. I don't usually do so, preferring to take the train since it's a faster mode of transport (although a lot more crowded). The bus just kind of winds around and takes its time to reach your destination. Personally speaking, I love taking the bus, and it's a luxury I allow myself every once in a while. Its not just about the fact that it takes so long to bring me home, though - it's the fact that it's an adventure. In a train, you know exactly where you need to go, and you get there in the shortest time possible. In a bus, though... So many possibilities are open to you. The single or double-decked monstrosity just trundles along the roads, and it forces you to look at everything along the way before you finally arrive at your destination. It's like it's saying hey, look at all this. Doesn't it make you want to forget about where you were going? Don't you feel like you want to stay here, where it feels like a bubble of bliss...

make sculpture from bodies extract heart cut out heart from body creative ways to kill someone psychopathic mindset how to cut open the ribcage saw ribcage I sure hope I manage to finish writing this story before I get arrested =.="

University classes have finally started! I was supposed to take 4 modules this trimester (Communication Theory, Professional Writing, Digital Communication and an elective choice of either some IT thing or Microeconomics, though neither sound very appealing), but because I'd taken similar subjects in TP I was exempted from the Professional Writing module. Not bad, huh? I chose to take Econs too, though I wasn't very happy about it - I'm so bad at anything related to Math (I know they say Econs isn't related to Math, but regardless) that the moment you toss me an equation chances are high that you've lost me. Anyway, I'd made my peace with the module (not that I'd had much choice) and faithfully attended lectures, making sure to take notes so I at least had some way of organising the mess that I tend to make during lectures. Before... and After. Have I ever mentioned how messy the add-drop module process tends to be in our school? Because I was ...

7:45am He leaves the house with his bag carelessly flung over one shoulder, fingers busily working through the knots that have formed in his earphones (because he’d just untangled them, for fuck’s sake). As always, he manages to sort through the chaos by the time he reaches the ground floor, and makes his way to the bus stop. He’s strolling and halfway towards the bus stop when the bus itself thunders past him, and it takes a second to register before he finds himself chasing after the damned thing with a curse sharing the space in his throat with his heart, jamming his earphones into his ears as he runs. 8:02am He boards the train at the same time every day, and glances at the map out of habit. As always, he counts eighteen stops to his destination and sighs. 8:10am He looks up. She always boards the train at the third stop, and today is no different. She’s interesting to watch, he decides, because she looks like she’s tried too many times to piece herself together...

It's happening again. Music - louder! -  The voices can still be heard. Eyes - dropped to the ground -  the shadows are still there -  Stop. This needs to stop. didn't they disappear for good back then? What happened - how - when - wait. She knows. Like before, everything rushes back. It's a tsunami of thoughts, words, sensations and the overwhelming need to do something drastic. Something stupid. Bottle, cap and store -  for as long as possible, as many bottles as the shelf can hold. A crack - oh shitfucknoFUCKFUCKFUCK Run. Retreat. Hide. Stay in the glass sanctuary you've managed to build. Sleep within the maze you know, walls high - strong - enough to lash out at but not break. Leave everything outside the way it was, nothing matters now. This was not how it was supposed to go. This so-called roller coaster -  this ride -  it was not supposed to last so long. Jump. Maybe you'll fly. Swallow the red pill. Maybe you'll wake ...

You know what the toughest thing about relapse is? It's that you're never prepared for it. That's what makes it so terrifying - you're doing fine for a few months now, and even managed to control yourself when your hands got itchy and tingly a few days back (good for you!) - and then it hits you out of nowhere leaving you scrabbling to pick up whatever pieces of you you possibly can. It punches you in the gut, swift and hard and true, and leaves you trying to hold yourself together, unable to think or speak let alone breathe , and trying your hardest not to think about that emergency stash you've got somewhere in your room. It's not the same feeling as an itch, which can be easily brought to heel using those coping techniques you always read about - no, this thing is bigger, stronger and much deadlier. This thing is you crying as you try to force yourself to sleep, telling yourself that as long as you can get through tonight then the hardest part of trying to ...

Hey everyone! /blows dust off blog page/ So yeah I know I haven't updated this blog in like 2 YEARS, but please rest assured I'm getting around to hacking at a post... Eventually. Long story short, I've started life as a university student (I'm still slightly in shock at this, some days it feels like I'm just staring into an abyss that's supposed to represent my future... I'm terrified) but I don't really have much to say for now because nothing much has happened - I'm only a week in so it's still too early to say anything, and I'm also pretty apprehensive about saying anything  at all, to be honest (remember what happened in 2011? I sure haven't forgotten). But yes, I promise I will eventually talk about how life is - because I'm sure this blog still has visitors who're genuinely interested in reading about ore-sama's boring-ass life. Seriously, I struggle to come up with something that isn't mind-numbingly van...

I've realised something . Maybe it's something that I've known for a while but chose to ignore . My parents always sound annoyed when they're talking to me , but when they talk to each other they sound happier . ...... It's me , isn't it ? If I were out of the picture , they'd be happier . The burden of having to talk to me would be lifted , and they'd breathe better .

This house is falling apart. This family - can I call this a family? - is also falling apart. There have been many earthquakes, both small and large, but the house cannot withstand any more damage. You see, the foundations of the structure were never strengthened as they should have been. Very soon, this house shall collapse. The only question that needs to be asked now is what can be salvaged from the rubble.

So I finally quit working for my aunt and resumed my societal status as jobless soon-to-be-university-student effective last Friday. I still feel kind of guilty about leaving just when the office was getting busier with closing and all, but when even your colleague tells you that you should run, don't worry she'll be okay... You run.  The school's Orientation Day (though can you really call it a Day if it's only two hours?) is on the 25th, and classes start the next day. I'm nervous as hell, but here's hoping that things turn out alright - I've learned my lesson from TP. I still have a week or two before classes start, so I've been trying to catch up on the anime series that I've been missing out on - it's been torture seeing all the photo and gifsets on Tumblr and somewhat getting the gist of the series while being unable to catch them because I needed to sleep, ugh. Click here to read the previous listing (and short description) o...