For we must all learn to howl.

Let my inner wolf show today, awhoooooo.

我有时候真不知道该相不相信你。 真的以为我是那么傻的吗？ 对啊，我真的是这么傻的一个·人。 我当你是姐姐。 你当我是谁？ 你告诉我。 我在你眼里算什么？

The knives in the kitchen have never looked so tempting. One cut, one clean cut, and I can just wait for it all to be over. Just one quick slice. A sharp, shiny knife. It would be a good welcome-home present, would it not? All red and bloody and shiny. How lovely. A lovely lovely present, just begging to be wrapped  in a nice red ribbon. Blood red.

Dear Asshole, This whole month that you were gone, I actually missed you, okay. I couldn't contact you because of the following reasons. 1. I DON'T HAVE VIBER. 2. Even if I did, you didn't have a stable wifi connection, wherever it was that you'd gone. I could call or text you and you wouldn't even know till maybe hours  later, when you finally managed to hook up to some wifi connection or something. Obviously you never cared that there was an 18-year-old who was at home obviously wondering if you were alright, wondering if things were okay on your side. And said 18-year-old didn't want to text you on whatsapp cos she didn't want to bother you. Like, hey, you could be having the time of your life not having to worry about the people back at home. Did you ever think about that? Apparently not. And now that you're home, the first thing you do is ask me if mum and I had used the air-conditioning every night. In your opinion, we so obviously  had,...

It's fucked up. Everything's just so fucked up. You. Me. Everyone else around. It's all so fucked up. Why? Why does this all have to happen? Physical. Mental. Emotional. It's not fair at all. And I promise, I swear on my life, that if I ever have kids someday, I will NEVER treat them the same way. Why bring them into this world to make them suffer? So I swear it. Never ever will I allow my child to suffer this way. Ever. The shouting. The lashing out. The stress. The abuse - physical, verbal, emotional. The tears. It's not worth it. And yet I seem to see it everywhere. Why? I ask you. Why?

Well guys, meet my new phone case. Her name is Maya, and reflected in the waters there is her alter, Naida. It actually took her a while to trust me enough to tell me her name (she spent a good deal of the time discussing with Naida if I could be trusted). Nice to meet you, Maya. And Naida.

This was what dad texted me today via Whatsapp. "Sorry did you want to say something I accidentally cut off?" I'm guessing he's talking about last night's pathetic excuse for a conversation. "Lol no" was what I replied to him. Yeah, I'm still angry. And no, I don't know when I'll get over this anger. Too bad, dad, this daughter of yours is a Cancerian with really, really mood swings and well, she knows how to hold a grudge. For long periods of time. I'm not the only one who's entitled to hold grudges and get angry in this house, after all. So fuck you. Piss off and leave me alone.

Down. Face first. Hitting the floor with that loud satisfying unmistakable THUD. How did you fall? “I was clumsy.” “I tripped.” GET UP! You clumsy, pathetic, good-for-nothing excuse of a girl! Sprawled all over the floor like that! Have you no shame? What will people say? Now get up! UP! How dare you defy me! Smile! Laugh! Go! Go and show the world that your life is perfect, that there is nothing to worry about, that your life is perfect . Smile! Why can’t you smile with your eyes anymore? You’re useless! I said SMILE! This is where I scream. Or wake up from the dream. Why won't I wake up? "Some nightmares just don't want to end." Truer words never spoken.

My mood has been completely ruined tonight by one fucked-up phone call, and well, I bet those who follow me on twitter already know about it.  My mum and dad were talking over the phone on viber or something, since he's still overseas. I asked mum to let me talk to dad, cos well, I haven't seen him in a month. And I kinda miss him, even though I know we don't get along well.  Get this: My dad put me through to my cousin. My cousin from Hong Kong who doesn't speak English or  Chinese. And me being the non-Asian Asian who doesn't speak Cantonese. What basically happened was that I had one of the most awkward phone conversations of my life. 5 minutes of torture, okay. And then I asked to be put through to my dad, who was the only reason why I endured the freaking 5 minutes okay. What did my dad do? Straight after the phone was passed to him, he told me, "Could you pass the phone to mum?" No hello. No how are you doing. No how are your stu...

Mmm. I love how you smell. Like blood and strawberries and death. Delicious. Come here, child. Daughter of darkness. Come here so that I may smell you. Taste you. Exquisite.

If it is through bringing evil that you damn your own soul, then it is by fighting evil that you can redeem it.

The exams are over so what's the first thing I do?  I head back to school.  How very clever of me, no? Well, in my defense, I was heading back only to collect my CW final assignment, because the only way to find out what grade we got was to head back to school and collect the paper itself. I got 78% for the assignment, sigh. I know my writing isn't that good, but I'd hoped to get something a little better. It's an A grade, that's for sure, but I thought I'd be able to do better. (This is prolly where all my friends start whacking me and scolding me for being stupid. Thanks guys.) I'd also gone back to meet up with Aishah, Lya and Suzette for a bit of a chat. We took loads of pictures, and well, Shi Yuan popped by for a bit too, so it felt like a Team Eulogy meeting all over again, just without Abang Dy. Lya trying to be funny. Suzette and I making funny faces hehehe. I seriously need a hobby. Or a life. Well someone likes messing ...

Fire. Lots of fire. Burning and scorching and blistering. Heat. Beams crashing down. Paint on walls peeling. The smoke, the smoke. Everywhere. Suffocating. Can't breathe. Run. Grab her and run. Don't look back. Ssh, ssh, don't cry. It's alright. It's going to be alright. I'll stay here with her, keep her calm. Wait- where are you going?! You can't go back in! It's madness! NO! And then I wake up. Sigh.

The bad thing about a webcam is that you tend to camwhore, just a little bit. Yeah. So, おはようございます～！ With me and my sleepy eyes and retarded smile. Yes, that's a HP7 poster in the background that Jo got for me for my birthday. (I love you, Jo. Have I ever said that?) Voldy's so handsome. Yes, I'm heading out. To school. To collect my CW assignments (and Tish's, that bimbo non-blonde has casting  today. Wooh. All the best, sweets!) If my mum were to see me she'd prolly go " Haiyo , go to school only, no need wear so nice la!  *whiny* But I want  to. If only for a little while. じゃ、いってきます！

Tonight, it's all about light.

It was sometime around 2-4PM that I heard the news today. A schoolmate, senior and friend had passed away. I don't know the details, but I'm in shock. He was only 19, for Kami's sake. I remember him as one of the most energetic GLs in Skelto when I went for FOW last year. It was him, along with some of the other GLs, that I talked to and it was them who made me feel less shy. It was them who made me feel like I belonged somewhere in Skelto, in TP. I remember him talking to the fellow freshies, asking if everyone was alright after running so much in the hot sun. I remember him doing all sorts of retarded, silly stuff with the other GLs. Even after FOW, when school started and there wasn't any time to meet up with the rest of Skelto, whenever I happened to run into him in school, he'd say hi to me. That really meant a lot to me, because it meant that he actually remembered me, even though I was just any other freshie. He actually remembered. I was out with my mu...

"Physically, you didn't leave, but your soul was somewhere else because darkness creeps around you." This was pretty much the nicest thing that anyone's ever said about my extreme mood swings. So, thank you. :) And darkness creeps around me, huh? I likey.

It's funny. It feels like something big  happened yesterday. And in a way, I guess it did. So many things happened in one day. Happy. Sad. A little lost. Relieved. Angry. Confused. Uncertain. Scared. Why is it that so many emotions can present themselves to me in just one day? Believe it or not, I actually felt all this yesterday. In just one freaking day. Sigh.

BMR IS OVER. FUCK YEAH. FINALLY, THIS TORTUROUS MODULE IS OVER AND DONE WITH. I PRAY THAT I WON'T HAVE TO DO THE SUPPLEMENTARY PAPER OKAY. DOING IT ONCE WAS ENOUGH THANKYOUVERYMUCH. Okay. I'm done spazzing over BMR. I got like three hours of sleep last night, sleeping at 1 and getting up at 4 to study BMR, so... Yeah, I'm just about ready to die. The coffee I got with Tish this afternoon after the paper seems like a lifetime ago, and I'm feeling extremely lightheaded. You can bet that I'm going to crash after this post is done. Well... Now that the exam is over, I'm free. There's no overflowing joy, no excitement or crazy screaming, because all I feel is relieved . Relieved that this crazy semester is over. Relieved that the exam - this one subject that we've heard so many horror stories about - is over. Relieved that we finally get the chance to rest. I went for lunch and coffee + a much-needed chatting session with Tish today, after the paper...

Been talking to the NAS drama peeps lately. They're having their tapestry performance tomorrow night, and I'm going to watch them and also participate in a huge hugging, back-slapping, hey-how-you-been, haven't-seen-you-in-a-gazillion-years session. I have missed them so much... :') But talking to them... Feels different now. Talking to them, I'm reminded that I'm no longer a student of NAS. I've graduated two years ago, and I'm no longer the awkward 16-year-old fashion disaster I used to be. I'm now an awkward 18-year-old fashion disaster. But Kami, so much has changed, especially since I entered poly. It feels like I'm a completely different person. I kid you not, if you were to compare the secondary school me to the current me.... I'm different now. Less... Gullible, if you'll put it that way. Still incredibly naive, that's for sure, but not so innocent now. I dunno, there's no actual way of putting it. Just go and ...

Whenever there's an exam that I need to study for, I get extremely stressed. And when I get stressed, I'm all over the place. That's why whenever I need to study, I usually head to the nearest provision shop and grab a pack of Hello Panda. I swear, they help me feel better about studying. I know they're unhealthy, but they're comforting and I have  to have them whenever the exams roll by. Except that this time, I forgot to go buy a pack of them. Sigh. So last Friday, I got beyond stressed during BMR tutorial. When I got home, I couldn't even concentrate, I was that out of it. When my mum came home, she took one look at my face and kept quiet. I think she could tell that I was really bothered. The next thing I knew, she gave a box of Hello Panda to me and told me to go study. I think I actually teared up, I was so touched. Hello Panda, from mum with love. I love you mum.

"Develop a coding sheet for this study, numbering each step." Okay. Breathe. Just breathe. There's no need to freak out. (Yeah, right.) If this question comes out tomorrow, I'm going to die. Because I've been staring at this for 45 minutes and I still don't know how to answer it.

Come, restless traveler, come and play in the forest of shadows. Leave all that you know behind, abandon all and bring nothing. The moon shall light your path, the stars fill the night with endless chatter. Follow the winding path, littered with the bones of a hundred men. Follow the trail that leads to nowhere, swallowed up by inky darkness. Look for the trees marked with blood, recognize that as my signature. Follow the scent of strawberries, let your senses guide you. Follow the scent of strawberries, and leave the light ever farther behind. Walk with your ears pricked, and listen hard for the music. That familiar, lilting melody that has been heard on many occasions. Before the blade falls. Before the arrow pierces through. Before the poison seeps through. Before the bell tolls. Before the crows descend. Follow the scent of strawberries and they will lead you to me. Come, restless traveler. Come play ...

They say that cussing and swearing helps to relieve pain if you're injured. So, ow. Fuck.

Funny how trance mixes seem to work well enough for studying. And I was in one of my horrible mood swings again last night - I'm sorry to anyone that I snapped at or was really short with. On the upside, my mood swings don't seem to be hitting me so often nowadays. On the downside, when they DO hit me, it's really bad. I can stay in that funk for HOURS some days. I'm sorry to have to sound so selfish, but this is something that my friends have to look out for if they still wanna hang around me. If anyone still wants to hang around me, you've got your heads-up. NATALIE CHEW HAS VIOLENT MOOD SWINGS. BEWARE. Heads-up enough? :) I try to pull myself out of my mood swings, cos I obviously wanna avoid getting pulled into the mood, not being able to snap out of it, and hurting my friends in some way or other. Whether I snap at them, or I just not talk all of a sudden... Whatever. It confuses the hell out of them cos they don't know why I'm so cheerf...

RQ = A question exploring the r/s between 2 or more communication concepts. Hypothesis = A declarative statement suggesting a predicted r/s between 2 or more communication concepts. Constructs = Things/Concepts that the research is interested in examining for a potential r/s. Conceptual Definition = Definition of terms in the problem statement. Operational Definition = Indicators that are real and fit the concept. Independent Variable = Variable that is expected to influence a change in another variable. Dependent Variable = Variable that is expected to change as a result of the actions of the independent variable. Intervening/Confounding Variable(s) = Any other variable(s) that may influence the r/s between the independent and dependent variable. Conceptual Fit = Measuring what you set out to test. Reality/Ecological Isomorphism = How consistent the operational definition is with the way the constructs exist in the real world. Linkages = Terms that specify the dire...

I'm unbelievably shaky. Still shaking slightly since about an hour ago. I think  I may have seen something in my house. I can't be sure, but I don't want to be sure. It's the seventh month. Please don't let it have been anything bad. A curious spirit, okay. But please not anything other than that. I'm scared, okay. I'm actually scared. My heart is racing, my hands are trembling, my whole body feels cold. Maybe I'm overreacting as always. Maybe I'm exaggerating. But I've never had such experiences, except for one in Sec 2 or 3 and that was freaky enough that I don't wanna know if it was for real or just a really fucked-up dream. Maybe I'm overly jumpy or something, but it is the SEVENTH FREAKING LUNAR MONTH, OKAY. It's the HUNGRY GHOST MONTH. And I am SCARED. Right. It could be my imagination. It could be electro-magneti...