Rant
Okay, so I had a really bad fight with my mum last night. Like one of those full-blown, screaming-at-each-other, crying-for-three-hours kind of fight. Yeah, it was really bad. I'm ashamed to say that I didn't stop crying till 1AM or so. Sigh. My throat really hurts now because I'm pretty sure that my lymph nodes or something have completely swelled up from crying so much.
I called my friends, and well, kinda talked over the phone (though I'm not sure if they could actually understand me, I was either sniffling or hiccoughing every 5 seconds). And felt slightly better, even though the tears wouldn't stop even after I'd hung up. And well, basically promised them that even though I was about 2600000000000000000 miles away from "fine", I'd be fine (or at least ACT fine) the next day (which was today, duh).
Well, after a long night of tossing and turning and snapping awake multiple times, I'd woken up with horrendously puffy, swollen, slitty eyes. I took one look at myself in the mirror and burst into tears again. I looked horrible. So well, I left the house looking how I felt - like absolute crap. I couldn't even put my contacts in because my eyes hurt so much from crying. Not to mention that I was having the mother of all headaches (that was also caused by crying so much), and I had to be ready to rush a lot of work.
The day is over, and I'd apologised to my mum (yes, shelving my pride - how very accomplished of me, no?) for shouting back at her even though she'd made the first move. I couldn't stand beating myself up for being the worst daughter in history, I just couldn't. Plus I was upset that I wasn't as in control of my emotions as I should have been.
But after calming down so much, I feel that there are certain points that I have to make.
1. I LOVE THE DRAMA CLUB.
Yes, I love acting. Without it, I'm nothing. I've said this before, I've said this so many times that I'm sure loads of people are sick of hearing it, but acting is all I've got. It's the only thing I'm at least halfway decent at. Without acting, without that change of being onstage... I'm nothing. Please... I'm begging you. I will actually get down on my knees and beg you.
Don't make me leave the one thing that makes me happy. Don't make me leave the one thing that's keeping me from doing anything stupid. Please. It's the only thing keeping me alive right now.
2. I DO NOT WORSHIP SATAN.
For the love of Kami. For the love of ALL THAT IS HOLY.
I do NOT, DO NOT, WILL NOT EVER WORSHIP SATAN.
I am SICK of people asking me "Do you, like, worship Satan or something?" just because I wear black almost 24/7 and listen to weird stuff and LIKE weird stuff.
I like skulls.
I like learning about torture devices.
I love supernatural stuff.
Does that make me Satanic?
NO IT DOESN'T.
I like blood.
I like weird pictures of people crying and looking depressed.
I think I might actually be depressed.
Does that make me Satanic?
NO IT DOESN'T.
I like things that creep people out in general.
I like death, Hell, I love it.
I like writing dark, sad, depressing stuff.
DOES THAT MAKE ME SATANIC.
NO IT SURE AS FUCK DOES NOT.
And I feel extremely hurt when my own mother asks me if I've been possessed by the devil. I kid you not, she actually asked me that. I wanted to kill myself. If my own mother asked me such a question, it makes me wonder what other people may think of me.
3. If you don't understand the stage, don't fucking insult it.
"You rehearse for 3 months just to go up on stage for 5 minutes. And you're not even in the lead role."
What is this, primary school? I'm sorry that I don't go for a two-week-long rehearsal before going up onstage and acting in some primary-school-style play. If you've never been in something that required you to practice, that required you to perform, I say you zip that mouth of yours right up before you say something insulting and stupid about the stage, because I will zip it up for you if you do. I won't let you desecrate our sacred space.
Yes, the stage is sacred. Not just the stage, but any space that we work in. We have to clean it, keep it as spotless as possible, because it is sacred. That space is where we work. I can't explain it to you, but that's how I feel - it's sacred. Which is why I get angry when people bring food into the space, or dirty it somehow, or disrespect it. Like during drama practice, when we eat in the room, that's cool cos the room itself is pretty much our home, but when people bring food into the area where we usually practice, that's when I get annoyed. I won't say anything because it's a personal opinion and others may disagree with how I feel.
But back to topic. Yeah, we can rehearse for 3 months just for those 5 precious minutes onstage. It may mean nothing to you, but to me, those 5 precious minutes onstage are everything. They are what make the 3 grueling months of stress and tears and anger and blood and cursing all worth it.
And if you can't understand that, then nothing I say will help you understand.
Okay, I'm done ranting. Whew! I won't say that I feel loads better, because I only feel about 5% better. The rest that's left... Well, I'm used to this compressed anger, I guess? After bottling everything up for 18 years, you get used to it.
I called my friends, and well, kinda talked over the phone (though I'm not sure if they could actually understand me, I was either sniffling or hiccoughing every 5 seconds). And felt slightly better, even though the tears wouldn't stop even after I'd hung up. And well, basically promised them that even though I was about 2600000000000000000 miles away from "fine", I'd be fine (or at least ACT fine) the next day (which was today, duh).
Well, after a long night of tossing and turning and snapping awake multiple times, I'd woken up with horrendously puffy, swollen, slitty eyes. I took one look at myself in the mirror and burst into tears again. I looked horrible. So well, I left the house looking how I felt - like absolute crap. I couldn't even put my contacts in because my eyes hurt so much from crying. Not to mention that I was having the mother of all headaches (that was also caused by crying so much), and I had to be ready to rush a lot of work.
The day is over, and I'd apologised to my mum (yes, shelving my pride - how very accomplished of me, no?) for shouting back at her even though she'd made the first move. I couldn't stand beating myself up for being the worst daughter in history, I just couldn't. Plus I was upset that I wasn't as in control of my emotions as I should have been.
But after calming down so much, I feel that there are certain points that I have to make.
1. I LOVE THE DRAMA CLUB.
Yes, I love acting. Without it, I'm nothing. I've said this before, I've said this so many times that I'm sure loads of people are sick of hearing it, but acting is all I've got. It's the only thing I'm at least halfway decent at. Without acting, without that change of being onstage... I'm nothing. Please... I'm begging you. I will actually get down on my knees and beg you.
Don't make me leave the one thing that makes me happy. Don't make me leave the one thing that's keeping me from doing anything stupid. Please. It's the only thing keeping me alive right now.
2. I DO NOT WORSHIP SATAN.
For the love of Kami. For the love of ALL THAT IS HOLY.
I do NOT, DO NOT, WILL NOT EVER WORSHIP SATAN.
I am SICK of people asking me "Do you, like, worship Satan or something?" just because I wear black almost 24/7 and listen to weird stuff and LIKE weird stuff.
I like skulls.
I like learning about torture devices.
I love supernatural stuff.
Does that make me Satanic?
NO IT DOESN'T.
I like blood.
I like weird pictures of people crying and looking depressed.
I think I might actually be depressed.
Does that make me Satanic?
NO IT DOESN'T.
I like things that creep people out in general.
I like death, Hell, I love it.
I like writing dark, sad, depressing stuff.
DOES THAT MAKE ME SATANIC.
NO IT SURE AS FUCK DOES NOT.
And I feel extremely hurt when my own mother asks me if I've been possessed by the devil. I kid you not, she actually asked me that. I wanted to kill myself. If my own mother asked me such a question, it makes me wonder what other people may think of me.
3. If you don't understand the stage, don't fucking insult it.
"You rehearse for 3 months just to go up on stage for 5 minutes. And you're not even in the lead role."
What is this, primary school? I'm sorry that I don't go for a two-week-long rehearsal before going up onstage and acting in some primary-school-style play. If you've never been in something that required you to practice, that required you to perform, I say you zip that mouth of yours right up before you say something insulting and stupid about the stage, because I will zip it up for you if you do. I won't let you desecrate our sacred space.
Yes, the stage is sacred. Not just the stage, but any space that we work in. We have to clean it, keep it as spotless as possible, because it is sacred. That space is where we work. I can't explain it to you, but that's how I feel - it's sacred. Which is why I get angry when people bring food into the space, or dirty it somehow, or disrespect it. Like during drama practice, when we eat in the room, that's cool cos the room itself is pretty much our home, but when people bring food into the area where we usually practice, that's when I get annoyed. I won't say anything because it's a personal opinion and others may disagree with how I feel.
But back to topic. Yeah, we can rehearse for 3 months just for those 5 precious minutes onstage. It may mean nothing to you, but to me, those 5 precious minutes onstage are everything. They are what make the 3 grueling months of stress and tears and anger and blood and cursing all worth it.
And if you can't understand that, then nothing I say will help you understand.
Okay, I'm done ranting. Whew! I won't say that I feel loads better, because I only feel about 5% better. The rest that's left... Well, I'm used to this compressed anger, I guess? After bottling everything up for 18 years, you get used to it.
A second's tranquility.
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