Goodbye for now

I QUIT THE DRAMA CLUB.

Well, not really quit. More like I took a break from drama practice. Yeah, I can almost imagine the reactions from those reading this. "What? Why're you leaving? I thought you loved drama so much! Don't you love acting??"

Yes, I love acting. Yes, I love the drama club, and being onstage, and helping out with the crew backstage, and planning a production and rehearsing and getting stressed over scripts and blockings and motivations and movements. I love it all, and I'm not kidding when I say that I think that without drama, without acting, without the stage, I'd die. Quite literally, I'd die. There'd be nothing for me to live for, and it's scary how I can't think of anything to prove that statement otherwise.

But I had no choice. I had to go. My parents kept trying to force me to quit the drama club. They've been like that ever since I first joined Dramatec last year, for reasons unknown to me. My grades are decent, I'm not a bad kid (at least I don't think I am) and I don't have a boyfriend, I don't smoke, club, whatever. I'm good. So why they wanna keep trying to force me away from the one thing that keeps me happy, I don't understand. There are other, more personal reasons why I had to ask for this break from the drama club, but this is the main reason, as well as the trigger.

Well, my parents will be happy now, knowing that they've succeeded in getting me to quit the drama club. What they DON'T know, what they'll never know, is how important acting is to me. How important the drama club is to me. I practically dream, live, breathe drama. I may not be like Jo, who is really into her musicals and plays and can tell me so much stuff that I never knew about theatre, but without acting... I am nothing. I cease to exist, it's that simple.

When I told Noran (the Dramatec president and one of my good friends) about this, I didn't think that I'd cry so much. Honestly, it was like I couldn't hold back the tears, the stress, the emotions... I was so worried that I wouldn't be allowed back into the club. Like I wouldn't be wanted anymore, like one day I'd just receive a text telling me that I was no longer part of the club. Well, Noran comforted me and told me loads of sweet stuff that made me laugh and cry a lot more. And she told me that I would always be welcome in the club,and that they'd actually watched me grow into a good actor, which made me cry even more. I swear I'm such a sap when I cry, sigh. Anyway, I was feeling slightly better after that, and then I realised that I still had other things to do.

1. I had to tell the rest of the seniors.
2. I had to tell the juniors.
Oh sweet kami.

So I walked into the meeting rooms with red, swollen eyes and a tear-stained face (very cool, Nat. Walking in straight after you've blubbered and bawled your eyes out.) and well, I had a lot of explaining to do. I didn't give the really personal reasons for why I had to leave, I just gave the important reasons.

I didn't think my heart would break so badly until I saw how upset my juniors were. I swear, I could actually feel my heart break. They hugged me, and asked me why I had to go, and basically made me feel like the worst senior in the world for leaving them like this. I genuinely love my juniors - when I've had a horrible day in school, and then I go for practice and see them... Bantering with them, talking to them, seeing them even... It brings the ghost of a genuine smile to my face. So having to tell them that I had to go... I'll only be gone a month, hopefully, but still... Sigh. Just LOOK at this text that two of my juniors (my sweeties) Aishah and Lyaa sent to me:

It's true that it's not like I'll be leaving the drama club forever, but still, it sure feels that way to me. What if I go back after that one month (or more, depending on the parents) and it's so awkward? What if I won't belong to the club anymore?

*hastily brushes tears away*
I'm not crying, I swear I'm not. I actually hate crying in public, you know? Like, I'm okay with crying, just not in public. Preferably alone, in my room, late at night... Yeah. Ever since I was a kid, my parents have been pretty harsh on me whenever I cried. According to my dad, there was never a reason to cry (I always had to be "brave" in front of him) and well, my mum was never one to baby others around. In the end, I just learnt that if I absolutely had to cry, it would be in front of my girlfriends or alone.

I give up.
I'm not making any sense at all.

Anyway, after Performing Words (our upcoming production)... I'll be gone.
I'm not crying.